Growing up, your mother could scream and yell at you all day, and yet, "Wait until your father comes home" was the only effective threat she could actually come up with. Why? Because you knew damn well that your father would come home from another long, soul-crushing workday and not want to deal with whatever bratty tantrum you were having that was making your mother crazy that day.
He walked through the door, laid down the law, then scarfed down a late dinner while reading the newspaper. Within 30 minutes of getting home, he was passed out on the couch, snoring loudly over the evening news, while you were sitting up in your room, "thinking about what you've done."
Right now, if you take a moment to think about what you've done, all the grief you put your poor father though—the bad attitude, the drinking, the piercings, the phone calls from the principal, the pregnancy scare—you'd realize it's a miracle that your father didn't hang himself from the tree house he lovingly built for you well before you turned into an ungrateful teenager and an absent adult.
This year, it's time to get your father something that will help you atone for all of your douchey mistakes.
For the Old Dad:
1. O'Pioneers Handkerchief Set ($40, Izola NYC): You used to think that your father carrying around handkerchiefs was disgusting. You grew up on Kleenexes, so you couldn't understand why anyone would want to carrying around snotty silk handkerchief all day. Then, you realized that your father rarely blew snot rockets into the handerchiefs. He used them to wipe his brow as he was sweating at the bank, hoping that loan for your college payment would come through. Now that you're older, you're familiar with the cold sweats that come along with finance worries. Pick up a set of these O'Pioneers Handkerchiefs for yourself, while you're at it.
For the New Dad:
2. Camera Lens Travel Mug (Start at $24, Photojojo): Dads love gadgets, and they love to document everything. 400 photos of his new daughter posted on Facebook says to the world, "HEY JERKS, I MADE THIS, WHAT'D YOU DO THIS MONTH?" This Camera Lens Travel Mug combines coffee and cameras, two things essential for a new father, all rolled into one convenient travel mug.
For the Divorced Dad:
3. Gingham Bowtie ($68, Forage): Your mother used to lay out your father's work clothes every night. She'd iron them, match the shirt perfectly with a tie, select an appropriate pair of socks, and put everything together in the closet like he was some kind of colorblind retard. Now, left to his own devices, he's looking more and more like that middle-aged guy with a wrinkled, untucked button-down shirt and dockers who would carouse your college bar and buy you and all of your friends drinks. You don't want your dad to be that guy. Help him start a new wardrobe that will impress women his own age. This Gingham Bowtie will replace the boring, worn-out neckties and make him look especially dapper when he's on his second date with that lady from Match.com.
For All of the Above:
The Star Wars Father's Day Card ($6.75, Dove Designs Shop) is available on Etsy.
For more Father's Day gift suggestions for your lazy, ungrateful asses, check out You're Welcome.