According to the New York Post, which is a newspaper-like publication owned by a wealthy Australian wire-tapper, Patrick Stewart has already been spotted in our neighborhood at such fine establishments as Zito's and Brooklyn Fish Camp. If you're jazzed by the fact that a new celebrity has moved into our neighborhood, or you're an obsessive fan of a Star Trek franchise that's been off the air for many, many years, you're most likely wondering what you can do to score your own Patrick Stewart sighting. You're also pathetic. But so are we. So here's where you should go:
Enterprise Car Rental. Patrick Stewart will rent from Enterprise because their business is named after a starship that he used to fly. Also, Enterprise is cheaper than Avis and Hertz, so I'm betting they'll overlook the fact that he's inclined to drive on the wrong side of the road.
Superhero Supply Company. He's Professor X, after all. When he needs new, um, gloves for his, uh, wheelchair, that's where he'll go, right?
Chip Shop. Patrick Stewart is extremely fit and looks as if he's eaten nithing but kale and wheat germ for the past several decades. At some point though, he's going to have to break. When that happens, he's going to wonder what this whole "deep fried Mars bar" thing is that he's been hearing about since his younger days as a child in Britain. When he finally cracks and eats his first fried candy bar, there's pretty much only one place in the neighborhood he can go--and that's Chip Shop.
Dixon's Bicycle Shop. I'm 99.9% sure that you can buy a Trek bicycle there.
Culture. Picture this: Patrick Stewart is walking down 5th Avenue. He's despondent, because he's surrounded by hipsters and overly-indulgent parents day-in and day-out, and he sees a sign that says "Culture." He goes in, hoping that it's nominally more fulfilling than the Shakespeare section at the Barnes and Noble on 7th Avenue. He arrives to find that no one is performing classical drama, there, but decides to try the yogurt. It is revelatory. He returns, again and again.
BAM. Because he'll probably be on stage there. Perhaps, nightly.
Pork Slope. This is the obvious one. Patrick Stewart will be found at Pork Slope, because it is a really awesome place to go. But here's the problem. Pork Slope is a roadhouse-styled homage to (among many other things) Patrick Swayze. Old people regularly conflate celebrities who have similar names, which is why they probably don't know the difference between Patrick Stewart and Patrick Swayze. I'm guessing that the elderly will show up to stalk Patrick Stewart at Pork Slope, and then they'll be really pissed off that he's not the guy from Roadhouse, Dirty Dancing, and Ghost. Then they'll become violent, because that's what old people do when they're upset. Then they'll start swinging their walkers and canes and everyone will leave splattered in blood and barbeque sauce. And then the cops will come, and you will have to go home before you've finished your porky melt and your order of wings. If you needed a reason to lock an old person in your basement, this might be a good time to act decisively.
Okay, FiPSters. What did we miss? Leave a comment and let us know.