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Friday
Sep072012

WHO GIVES A SHIT: IS DIET COKE REALLY GONNA KILL ME?

If you gathered all the people I know in one room and asked everyone to shout out the first fact that comes to mind about me, I'm guessing that 98% of them would say: SHE'S ADDICTED TO DIET COKE (ok, and/or maybe: WHAT A BITCH). 

Anyway. 

This Diet Coke thing is kind of out of hand. 

Like my husband has learned over the years, after several very not pretty freakouts, if I come home and find that there is no Diet Coke in the fridge, I turn into that possessed little girl in The Excorcist. When anyone invites me over to their house, they know that a bottle of DC (NOT CAFFEINE FREE. THAT SHIT IS NOT EVEN REALLY DIET COKE) needs to be close by. I am a member at Costco, for the express purpose of buying gigantic flats of canned Diet Coke once or so a month. 

At this point, I'm probably drinking 5 cans a day. 

I start first thing in the morning, and usually finish one off right before bed. 

Obviously, this is not good. I keep reading shit about how people who drink DC are more likely to have heart attacks, strokes, memory loss, cancer, FLESH EATING BACTERIA VIRUSES. Ok, not flesh eating bacteria, but all the rest. And as is pointed out to me again and again: you rarely see skinny people drinking this shit. 

However, I also see quite a bit of commentary on how these studies are bullshit...cause who knows if the peope who are more likely to have strokes are also doing lots of other shit that's making them have strokes? Shit that has nothing to do with drinking Diet Coke?

I don't smoke, I barely ever drink alcohol, I don't do drugs (mostly), I'm not addicted to Porn...Diet Coke is like my one vice. And yes I know it's filled with chemicals, and nutrasweet, and god knows what else, but it tastes like kittens and puppy dogs and rainbows and I JUST CAN'T STOP. 

WHY DO I HAVE TO STOP??

I've tried before...probably three times. And it's the same story everytime:

  • DAY ONE, 8AM: I am going to do this! I'm so ready! I'm going to take two Advil right now to ward off the headache that I know I'll have in a few hours.
  • DAY ONE, 11AM: I have a very bad fucking headache. 
  • DAY ONE, 1PM: How in the living shit am I supposed to eat my lunch without Diet Coke? HOWWWW?
  • DAY ONE, 4PM: I hate you, me and everything currently living and breathing on Planet Earth. I take more Advil.
  • DAY ONE, 7PM: I think I need to go to sleep, just so this day will be over. 
  • DAY TWO, 8AM: WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Take more Advil.
  • DAY TWO, 11AM: If someone came into my office and murdered me right now, it would be more enjoyable than sitting here NOT drinking Diet Coke. 
  • DAY TWO, 3PM: Did I mention how much I hate you?
  • DAY TWO, 4PM: I'm drinking a frosty, bubbly delicious can of Diet Coke

My brain says yes, but my heart says no: I just can't quit you Diet Coke. 

Ok, so this is obviously a 100% selfish WGAS post that has fuck all to do with Park Slope, but I think I just need a bunch of strangers to yell at me and tell me that I'm obviously going to die any second if I drink one more can of this stuff. Or a doctor who can tell me that I'm fine...and can drink as much Diet Coke as I want. Or some kind soul who kicked the habit themselves and is still managing to lead a happy, successful life. 

HELP. ME. PLEASE. 

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