This week, you're all probably frantically just-now remembering that whole annual thing about Christmas presents. Oh, yes. We must buy electronics and warm items of clothing for one another to honor the crucifixion of Santa Clause. Ok, look: the myth varies by culture. That's how my family celebrated it. But while the image of a bleeding Kris Kringle (ever wonder WHY his suit is red?) troubles your guilt muscles, please allow me to distract you with a sleigh full of fun things to do. Welcome to Whassup: Procrastinate the Presents Edition:
* Thursday, Dec. 13: Party Machine Holiday Benefit, Bell House: The two comediennes who head up The Party Machine make an interesting duo: one verges on Steven Wright levels of deadpan, while the other seems perpetually just this side of floating away on a flying carpet of manic bubbles. And they're merely the hosts of this comedy variety show, with sets from Janeane Garofalo (remember the '90's!) and Adira Amram, the most joyously '80's dancer you'll see outside a faded MTV video. Plus, this whole thing benefits the Brooklyn Badass Animal Rescue, a favorite cause of FiPS during our rare, non-snarky moods. 7:30pm, $15.
* Friday, Dec. 14: Holiday Punk Out, Rock Shop: Check out some local punk heroes, particularly the party band Brooklyn What, as they jingle all of your balls before Christmas. Because, you see, balls sounds like bells. But is also a term for testicles. Punk rock! 8pm, $10.
* Friday, Dec. 14: Eugene Mirman's Comedy Special, Bell House: Unofficial grand master of yuks at Union Hall and Bell House, Eugene Mirman, will be happening all over Comedy Central with his special, "Eugene Mirman: An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory." Should be good. Mirman's a pro, who would never use a word like "yuks." Screening at Midnight, FREE.
* Saturday, Dec. 15: Winterland Romp, Littlefield: Traditionally, it gets cold in NY around Christmas. Who knows what Global Warming will bring, but should the icicles still descend, Littlefield's got some New Orleans heat to get under your Santa's collar. There's Dixie jazz from The Hot Sardines, burlesque and…a Channukah Elf? Ok, Brooklyn, you win: you can now do just fucking anything for a Park Slope event. 8pm, $10.
* Sunday, Dec. 16: Tattoo and Art Show for Red Hook, Kidd Studios (133 Imlay St.): The Red Hook small businesses got hit hard by Sandy, in case you didn't already know. And here come some soft-hearted tattoo artists who will gather to raise funds toward recovery. It's an art show meets tatoo-ening meets concert meets bar. There will be a bar. I mean, personally, that is the first thing I want to know about an event. 2pm-8pm, FREE.
* Monday, Dec. 17: Science and Religion Stories, Union Hall: The nerdtastic story slingers of Story Collider will narrativize one of the stickiest, chewiest, deliciousest aspects of science: it's intersection, and often combat, with religion. Two heavyweights, each with cosmic ambitions. If he dies, he dies. Something else from Rocky. Enjoy. 8pm, $8.
* Wednesday, Dec. 19: Soft Swells, Union Hall: I'll be blunt. We here at FiPS know the Soft Swells. But they'll play good music into your ears, even if you're a stranger. 8:30pm, $12.
* Thursday, Dec. 20: No Office Holiday Party, Littlefield: I'm just going to keep pimping this one: it's FiPS -- along with fellow BK bloggers Brokelyn, Brooklyn Based, and the Skint -- throwing you telecommuters your very own embarrassingly drunken holiday party. Hosting will be Wyatt Cynac, who seems to be angling to steal Eugene Mirman's Slope comedy crown, or mayhap he aims to fill the void left by Kristen Schaal. Come blow off a year's worth of steam with us. 7:30pm, $5.
* Thursday, Dec. 20: Christmas Is Spectacular, Public Assembly: One of the creators of FiPS' favorite (ok, my favorite) the PunderDOME, Jo Firestone tells the story of a child actress making a comeback via Liza Minelli, who may SAVE CHRISTMAS! And the main character's name is Bambina Bambina. It's just a big pot of awesome weirdness, y'all. 8pm, $10.