Today's the day. The big, stupid, Hallmark-created day. So if you haven't lined up Valentine's plans by now, let's be honest, you're kinda fucked. Unless you just want to take your sweetie for a romantic walk in the park. In February. But, who cares? With Cupid in the rear-view, we can all finally enjoy ourselves sans the pressure of creating a perfect, romantic night. In fact, the only thing you need to romance for most of these events is your beer. Welcome to Whassup: Post V-Day Relaxation Edition:
* Thusday, Feb. 14: Cringe, Freddy's: Ok, I lied. (It's what I like to do, in general, on Valentine's Day.) Because I do have one V-Day event for you (reprised from last week, because it's too perfect). This one's even ok for last minute plans because it's free and there are no tickets. Just show up (early-ish, to find space), and listen to some mortifying teenage diaries. The Valentine's edition should be extra rich with melodrama, embarrassment, heartbroken curses and hear-rending pining. 7:30pm, FREE.
* Saturday, Feb. 16: Alex Battles, Union Hall: The Slope's resident country troubadour, Alex Battles, rarely makes it to the Union Hall stage, opting more often for dive-ier locales like Hank's. So, take advantage and enjoy some old-school country in the classy, book-lined environs of Park Slope's best place to drink with (bocce) balls hanging over your head. 9pm, $8.
* Monday, Feb. 18-Sunday, Feb. 24: Yelp Happy Hour, So Many BK Bars: Ok, just fucking drink for a week straight. You have my permission. Yelp is ponying up some of the money it earned off of all the reviews you all write for free, so they can give you 50%-off happy hour prices all week. Fifty percent! This is how capitalistically hot Brooklyn has gotten, you guys. Companies will come and just flat out pay for your drinks. Just, please, notice them! Some Slope and South Slope bars made the list, too, including Der Kommissar, Freddy's and Mary's. (Ok, I guess that's JUST South Slope. It's the place for bars.) To do it, just check in on your Yelp app at the bar(s) in question.
* Sunday, Feb. 19: Wasabassco's Orgy, Bell House: Once you've plowed past all that V-Day romantic nonsense, get to the good stuff: real-life fantasies of cavorting, naked beauties. I'm pretty sure that's what the actual St. Valentine would have wanted. But don't get too excited: the burlesquers of Wasabassco won't really be putting on a group-sex show onstage. Instead, they'll be coming out in twos and threes (and other configurations) to get naked for you, all classily like. Which will give you an equally classy boner. 8pm, $20.
* Monday, Feb. 18-Friday, Feb. 22: Coworking Test Drive, BK Brainery (Prospect Heights): Brooklyn Brainery, the delightfully nerdy folks behind some of the best random classes in BK (and that's saying something), are starting a co-working space. That's right: it's a place DESIGNED for the MacBooked hordes. The Brainery is offering a test drive of the space, before instituting memberships. So you can come see if you like working among only other freelancers, instead of sharing the Tea Lounge couch with 15 sticky toddlers. 10am-5pm each day, $12.
* Tuesday, Feb. 19: Maude Storytelling, Tea Lounge: Though she's since gone on to bigger, better, Tina Fey-stalkier things, the former FiPS managing editor still holds a place in our bitter hearts. Check out her open-mic storytelling event, and see if you have the stones to talk about yourself in front of polite, but mostly otherwise-busy Tea Lounge patrons. 7:30pm, FREE.
* COMING UP:
* Monday, Feb. 25: Fried Chicken Fundraiser, Seersucker: I don't really think fried chicken is one of those things that needs to be sold. It's fried chicken. You already want it, just from my writing the words. What am I gonna say that makes you like fried chicken any more than you already do? Anyway, Seersucker rightfully inspires a certain level of craziness regarding its fried chicken. The gourmet, Southern comfort food joint is selling heaps of the crispy stuff to raise equally crisp dollars for P.S. 58 Kid's Vegetable Garden. That's right: clog your arteries so kids can raise veggies. It makes a certain kind of sense. Make your reservations now, it's bound to be popular. $50.