This Halloween, I really want to scare people -- so I'm dressing as Paul Ryan's belief system. Boo! Now, clean out your magic underwear, and let's get down to the serious-as-a-zombie-apocolypse business of planning your Halloween celebrations. And, as you might expect, there's a whole (unholy) host of pumpkin-day shit to do 'round here. Welcome to Whassup: Fright Week Edition:
* Thursday, Oct. 25: HallowMEME Costume Party, Bell House: The Bell House has the funnest, kitchiest events, so it's no surprise they will be pleasing your Internet addictions this Halloween with a meme-based costume contest. I say go old school and be the "All Your Base Are Belong to Us" cyborg dude. 8:30pm Doors, 10pm Costume Contest, FREE (RSVP here).
* Saturday, Oct. 27: Zombie Cash, Jalopy: Live music is old hat. For Halloween, you need living dead music. Zombie Cash covers the Man in Black as if he had come back from the dead. Hey, Delia's back! 9pm, $10.
* Sunday, Oct. 28: Tete Offensive (Spoken Word), Freddy's: Maybe you have some scary poems or something. Or scary-bad poems. It's all good. The mic is yours, for five minutes, for poetry, song, spoken word, storytelling, jokes, or just about anything else. Look, if you're gonna overshare everything online anyway, do it with your actual face visible in front of actual people. It's almost like real human interaction. 9pm, FREE.
* Sunday, Oct. 28: Bare! Sex Stories, Bell House: If you've ever been a 13-year-old boy, you know that sex can be both fascinating and terrifying. That makes sex the ultimate horror story. (A stretch? I don't care. Sex stories are cool, go to this show.) 8pm, $10.
* Monday, Oct. 29: Butchery Class, Prospect: It's a new place near the Barclays Center. Think of that what you will. But, the cool part is that they are teaching people how to wield knives to slice up an entire tuna. The class will end in a bloodbath, and the last student standing wins a free spice cake. Call 718-596-6826 to book a spot. 7pm, $90.
* Monday, Oct. 29: Schtick or Treat, Littlefield: It's like a comedy cover band -- stand-ups will tell some of their favorite bits from their favorite comics. How is that Halloween-related? Well, their explanation is that cover bands do Halloween versions of the acts they cover. (Like, e.g., Dionne Werewolf, which I believe is happening at Union Hall again this year.) And that's true. But a stretch. The basic concept is cool, though. 8pm, $8.
* Monday, Oct. 29: Local Horror Flick, Freddy's: If you've seen the weird (exceedingly weird) film mashups perpetually running at Freddy's, you'll realize why this is such a perfect setting to view some Halloween flicks. The really scary part will be how grainy the footage will look on Freddy's pull-down screen. But the really, really scary part will be the chains around the bar. But the really, REALLY scary part will be the horribly bloated, but-somehow-still-alive frogs in the Freddy's fish tank. 8pm, FREE.
* Tuesday, Oct. 30: Poe Songs, Union Hall: The Bushwick Book Club calls on local songwriters to set Edgar Allen Poe's decidedly Haloweenish poems to music. Ravens and shit, y'all. 8pm, $5.
* HALLOWEEN: Crushing Gourds, Barclays: The Smashing Pumpkins play New York's newest hockey arena ON HALLOWEEN. PUMPKINS, you guys! And if '90's nostalgia doesn't reach quite far enough back for you, Journey and Pat Benetar play the night before. 8pm, $50-75 (before fees).
* Thursday, Nov. 1: Auster vs. DeLillo, BK by Book: They will fight. To the death. It will be so brutal and so literary. Totally jk-ing, they will actually just be in conversation. But you know author egos: blood could be spilt. 7:30pm-9pm.
* HALLOWEEN WEEK: Evil Parties, Borough-wide: Check out our bloggy friends over at Brooklyn Based for a run-down of monster mashes throughout the future home-city of the NY Islanders.