Yes, I realize its supposed to fucking SNOW TODAY, people, but we are cutting edge here at FIPS. So when everyone is all focused on winter-n-shit again, we're rolling it back to focus on Spring. And what do we all do the second it warms up? We buy ice cream...or ices in the case of FIPS reader Ally, who is hoping that her brush with disgustingness will help to save even ONE of you from contracting monkey AIDS. Behold:
So I suppose we should have known better. Anything being carted around in a glorified wheel barrel in Prospect Park on a Saturday, by someone whose personal hygiene I question, probably should not go in my mouth. In fact it’s probably something I should add to the long list of shit I try to avoid: i.e. YOUR children at MY bar, or cover charges and shit...but I digress.
So yeah, while basking in the sun on Saturday (back when it was warm for half a minute) we ran out of liquids to mix our whiskey crystal light with, and thus we made a huge mistake. We attempted to procure some lemon ice from one of these fucking germ machines friendly, affordable flavored ice vendors.
When my friend's husband returned from his Italian ices mission with a bright yellow scoop of ice, we were all kind of baffled. I mean, lemon ice isn’t the color of radioactive pee. I mean, right? Intrigued anyway, we all tasted it to try to determine its potential flavor profile. After we all "Cagney and Lacey'd" it, we determined it was, in fact, pineapple and thus it was clearly an undesirable flavor for our libations.
My buddy, who hates to complain or return things, hesitantly decided to return to the cart to see if he could get his hands on some lemon after all. After a few moments of confused tri-lingual chatter, he returned empty handed. Apparently they did not have lemon.
And, further, when he said he didn’t want the pukey-pineapple-ice, they decided to just dump it back into the big pineapple ice bucket. !!!???
Yes friends, the very same bucket that the original janky pineapple ice was scooped from. He desperately tried several times to explain to them that it had already been tasted “IT WAS IN MY MOUTH!, You can’t do that!,” he pleaded. The reply from the vendor? An assertive: “its ok."
No sir. It is not.
So I implore you all...stay away from the Italian ice vendor with the wheel barrow. I know it’s convenient when you're hot and sitting there and you don't feel like walking to that cafe on the side of the Picnic House for other ice cream, but if you aren’t interested in contracting herpes, just say no.