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Thursday
Dec292011

Top Ten Excerpts from Yelp Reviews of Jackie's 5th Amendment

 Photo via Here's Park Slope

We've extolled the virtues of Jackie's 5th Amendment, before.  We've argued that Jackie's was grievously overlooked by Complex when they made their list of definitive NYC Dive Bars. And we've chastised GQ for failing to recognize the raw, unbridled genius of Jackie's (and its ilk) when penning their fucked-up and lame guide to nightlife in Brooklyn.

FiPS isn't alone in the appreciation of Jackie's 5th Amendment. Many of the reviews of Jackie's on Yelp agree with us. Also, they are hilarious. So, here, without comment (mostly), and without correction of spelling, grammar, punctuation or capitalization, are our top ten excerpted comments from Yelp reviews of Jackie's 5th Amendment:

#10: "Alcoholic? Here is the perfect place to hit bottom."  -Hal D.

#9: "If you can't realize the glory of an actual dive inhabited by actual low-lifes, all friendly-as-can be, with cheap beers and good times?  Then stop goddam drinking, you little baby."  -Joe R.

#8: "Welcome to the morgue" -Aaron Z.

#7: "Yes, this bar is hell's waiting room." -Amanda S. 

#6: "Jackie's is open at 8am.  I'm not saying they are serving, but the doors are open and there are people inside.  i am a-ok with this business model, yes i is." -Mag M.  

#5: "my favorite story of jackies is meeting this old man in a superman tshirt at the bar on a saturday night and then the next day, we were riding by jackies on the bus on the way to brunch and this same man still in his superman shirt was walking out of the bar at  2pm, haha!"  -Katie C. 

#4: "Real rock n' roll on the jukebox (now, unfortunately, one of those internet kind), not the fucking indie hipster shit that pollutes the air in this part of Brooklyn like a nasty-ass fart that has been wafting for several minutes." -Erik W. 

#3: "You might run into the old guy in the back room who's just won $200 on a scratchie and decides that the most prudent course of action is to reinvest in the NYS Lotto.  You might exchange a few words with the middle-aged woman who tells you that her husband wants to know whether you and your friend are 'some kinda poofs, or what.'" -John B. 

#2: "Every time I end up here, I think "how the hell did my evening take this turn?!?"  Yet, like a bad drunken booty-call, this place gives off it's nasal siren song and I'll find myself cradling my bucket of highlife and wondering what the smell is." -Jonathan K.  

And now, our NUMBER ONE review of Jackie's on Yelp, which is worth reprinting in its entirety.  From Bob W., we have:

#1: Yes, it's full of old folks, most of whom appear to be several decades deep into full-fledged alcoholism. Yes, the newfangled digital jukebox is full of pre-1990s music  (rock, country, doo wop and what have you). Yes, no one gives a shit whether you stay or go, or even come in in the first place. And so on. Those are but a few reasons why it's a great bar. Bonus points for the bartender telling me that no, they don't have diet coke, then offering to pay for a two liter if I'll pick it up from the bodega next door. Twice. (Reading that, it might sound rude, but seeing as how the bartender couldn't exactly leave to buy the particular product I wanted, I thought it was more than meeting me halfway. Plus, I got a suspiciously early buyback each time.)

That rounds out our top 10, but we'd like to give honorable mention to Heather T. who is apparently living her dream of compiling reviews for Zagat's, except she's doing it on Yelp.  Way to dream big, Heather T.!  Here's what she came up with:

"Flourescent lighting," "folding card tables," and "a female bartender that looks like Jerry from Ben and Jerry's" make up for the lack of "class," "entertainment," and "people," that characterize Jackie's "posher" neighbors. There's nothing "on tap", but a "mug" of "vodka" can be purchased for a "thrifty" four dollars. At these prices, Overheard in New York Moments come easy. In between ponies of Miller High Life, one client was overheard to say: "I got five kids. Or maybe four; I don't remember." 

One final note: if any of the above-quoted reviewers are reading this post, e-mail us.  We want to drink with you.

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