WHO GIVES A SHIT: Have You Ever Almost Been Killed By A Kid On A Scooter?

illustration via My Complete Lack of Boundaries

Cause I have.

Like 11 billion million times.

You ppl are all: "bike lane, bike lane, bikes, baby bikes, BICYCLES" 24/7 and I just don't get it. Cause the only thing I'm worrying about in Park Slope is getting maimed by a reckless 8-year-old with a death wish on a motherfucking scooter.

THESE THINGS ARE A MENACE, PPL.

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Yer Kid's Got No Socialsklz [TERRIBLE PARENTING 101]

Faye Rogaski thinks your kid is a brat. And frankly, other people are starting to notice, too. And you can count that Brown acceptance letter toast if little Sunshine doesn't shape up before she gets her braces off.

OK, so according to this much kinder, more socially-acceptable-than-FIPS (PUNS R FUN) Park Slope Patch article, the above isn't exactly right, but I'm taking my liberties and declaring that's pretty much the gist. Rogaski, a PR exec and adjunct professor, was disturbed enough by her students' consistent lack of decorum that she founded Socialsklz: a set of etiquette classes for kids that'll set your spawn on the fast-track to "Yes ma'am," "No, sir" and "I deeply apologize I shared that photo of my gravity bong on Facebook." 

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Brooklyn: Now Serving PLACENTA

Image via FlashinthePan.net

Sometimes I’m embarrassed to say I live in this fucking borough due to its sheer ridiculousness. This is one of those moments. 

Pregnant women and recent mommies: Don’t worry one more second about what you're going to do with that post-birth placenta, because our very own city of Brooklyn has a professional placenta preparer! Jennifer Mayer specializes in teaching the art of preparing freshly-excreted placenta for you (and potentially, your significant other) to enjoy as a post-labor snack; a snack made of 100% YOURSELF.

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Park Slope Child Labor (Kidding, mostly)

Donde esta el pizza slice-o? I recently spotted these adorable children from Juguemos a Cantar, a Slope-based learning institution that provides Spanish immersion programs and classes, taking a pizza-making lesson at Smiling Pizza. The campers were learning how to spread the salsa de tomate and queso on el pizza.

Cómo de dice, "Awwwww?"

Q: How Stupid Are Women Who Breast feed? A: Very?

Or something like that.

Apparently there was this whole study conducted, and the results showed that people do, in fact, hold biases toward women who got milk:

"According to the study breastfeeding mothers are viewed by potential employers as being "significantly less competent in general, in math and work specifically."

Only, oopsie: the study was conducted amongst college students, who don't know shit about shit anyway. Unless your study is about how to cheat on research papers or who they can buy some Aderall from, I think it's safe to say that those results probs don't mean a whole lot.

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FIPS SALUTES: TENNIS PLAYER DAVID FERRER

You know how sometimes you're playing a championship tennis match, and then maybe things aren't going so well, so you're rully, rully trying to concentrate hard in order to turn your game around? And then like maybe you actually *could* turn your game around except not, cause, you're tryin and the entire stadium is quiet except for the sound of one MOTHERFUCKING CRYING, WHINY BABY??

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WINDSOR TERRACE BALLET STUDIO GOES ASSHOLE (VEGAN)

The Cynthia King Dance Studio on Prospect Ave is turning your kids into douche bags.

Cynthia, a former professional dancer, forces her students to wear cruelty free “vegan” shoes. This cray cray be-atch says that leather ballet slippers don’t “mesh with the beautiful passionate joy” she has for dancing.”  

BARF.

You guys, I’M WORRIED. Does Cynthia have a sweat shop full of little tutu-wearing kids sewing silk to hardened tofu or woven wheat grass? OH WAIT, did I say tutu? My bad –– that shit ain’t allowed at Cynthia’s studio. Her students are required to wear leotards and tights only. Any kid that shows up different has to GTFO.

Don’t worry, things get whacker: Cynthia’s studio is decorated with elaborate costumes that dangle from the ceiling above the innocent children dancing below (souvenirs of former victims?)

Cynth explains, “I didn’t come from a normal, peaceful, fairy-tale life.”

OMG. BLACK SWAN ALERT.

(via NYT)