[SPONSORED]: PRIORITY FITNESS OPENS NEW LOCATION TOMORROW

Be honest: you ate 11 billion calories worth of food at Thursday's Thanksgiving dinner, right? And you still can't really zip up your pants, right?

I thought so. 

Well, the best way that I can think of to deal with this shit would be to hightail your ass on over to Priority Fitness's new group class studio which, lucky for you, opens TOMORROW. 

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Brooklyn: Now Serving PLACENTA

Image via FlashinthePan.net

Sometimes I’m embarrassed to say I live in this fucking borough due to its sheer ridiculousness. This is one of those moments. 

Pregnant women and recent mommies: Don’t worry one more second about what you're going to do with that post-birth placenta, because our very own city of Brooklyn has a professional placenta preparer! Jennifer Mayer specializes in teaching the art of preparing freshly-excreted placenta for you (and potentially, your significant other) to enjoy as a post-labor snack; a snack made of 100% YOURSELF.

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FIPS CARES: This Brooklyn Family Needs Our Help

Oh man.

From the Huffington Post:

"In a nine-day span, both Nathan Bond, 38, and his wife, 36-year-old Elisa, learned that they have advanced cancer. Nathan found out on Valentine's Day.

Nathan has Stage 3 colorectal cancer. He has been given given a 60% chance of surviving five years or more. Elisa has Stage 4 breast cancer and has just a 16% chance of surviving five years."

The two have an 18-month-old daughter and are now facing the daunting task of fighting their respective diseases, caring for their daughter, and paying for it all.

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What the Gowanus Canal Needs? OYSTERS!

Sexy!

Architect Kate Orff gave a speech at the TED Conference last December, and suggested that Oysters may in fact be the key to rescuing the gigantic, smelly, sewer-like Gowanus Canal.

"Bundled into beds and sunk into city rivers, oysters slurp up pollution and make legendarily dirty waters clean -- thus driving even more innovation in 'oyster-tecture.'"

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Sick In the Slope

When she heard we were a bit under the weather, my mom sent me my Sicilian grandma Rose's time honored cold remedy. By mail. No, not email. Snail mail.

While it didn't come in time for our last household outbreak of fever/cold/nausea/chills so you can't restishness, verily my fam has gone down for the count again. As have a posse of playmates and their unfortunate parents and neighbors. It seems that everyone is sick.

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Park Slope Teens Getting Fat?

As a formerly pudgy little teen bastard who was often vexed by whether nine McNuggets and a large order of fries would be enough to satisfy a bulging tummy, I can't say I'm all that surprised by this recent study about teen eating habits. 

Apparently the study shows that little bastards between the ages of 13-17 haven't exactly been dissuaded from stuffing their fat faces since New York made including calorie counts on fast food menus mandatory in 2008. The survey appeared in the Journal of International Obesity (isn't obesity just an American thing?), and yep: fewer than 10% of the Justin Bieber fans surveyed give a rat's ass that eating two Burger King chicken sandwiches afterschool will probably make hearts explode in twenty-or-so years.

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Endangered Species Watch?: Slope Smokers

Every time I walk past some lone and lonely smoker standing on their snowy stoop (look at that alliteration), I remind myself to post something. The sightings have gotten so few and far between that I was ready on the basis of this half-assed inFIPStigation to put them on my endangered species list. And that was before Gothamist sent me some data.

According to a new analysis, in 50 years smoking may be as outdated as floppy disks or whale harpooning. Though the research is based on declining rates in Britain, it says just one in five Americans is a smoker, down from one in four a decade ago. And as of 2009, there were just 1 million adult smokers in New York City. Though the number might be higher, as rumors of public shamings have driven many into hiding. Oh crap, did we just give Bloomberg an idea? 

It's gotten so bad for the smokers of Park Slope that I've grown sorry for them. Me...the one who wrote my first real research paper (6th grade, IS 44) on the dangers of cigarette smoking complete with an exhibit jar of my stepmother's water-soaked butts.

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