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I'm A BR-ALLER

Diktionary

*BALLER - n. Kid free-n-lovin it

*BFI - n. Brilliant fucking idea

*BREEDER - n. Baby maker

*BR-ALLER - n. a BREEDER who's proven themselves to be cool enough that, despite their tendencies to procreate, can still maintain the basic principles of a BALLER attitude and lifestyle.

*COOPRETARD - n. Any annoying person who works at the Park Slope Food Coop

*D.I.N.K-n. Dual income, no kids

*FIPS - n. Fucked in Park Slope; the most badass'd blog on the dub dub dub

*SILTH - n. Sloper I'd Like To Hurt

*SAHM (or "SHAM") - n. Stay At Home Mom

 *SCHADENFOER - n. The feeling of envy and/or hate toward literary wunderkind and Park Slope resident, Jonathan Safran Foer

Entries in fips-tigation (7)

Tuesday
May242011

The Pavilion Makeover: An InFIPStigative Report

The Park Slope Pavilion has been taken over by Israeli Mossad agents or possibly a revival of Candid Camera/Punk’d. 

In exchange for swearing a blood oath of silence about the names of the buyers and their company, FIPS was awarded the scoop on the long-awaited, much hoped for and shockingly spectacular restoration lame-ass renovation of arguably the WORST movie theater in NYC.

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Apr142011

By Popular Demand: David, The Connecticut Stud-Muffin Man

Calling ALL the single ladies (and boys). Due to the cacophany of interest expressed about the identity of Park Slope's finest muffin purveyor in our story yesterday about the 4/5th graders going out to lunch, I did a little inFIPStigating for you all this morning.

I've identified the Connecticut Muffin mystery man!

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Aug192010

Is Methodist's Labor & Delivery Unit Way More Fucked Up Than Other Hospitals'?

K, so remember when we talked about the fact that all the BK mamas are defecting to go birth their tiny terrors on the the Isle du Manhattan? You told us your Methodist horror stories here.

Not too long after, we got an anonymous email from a reader who calls herself "Rogue Nurse," an R.N. at Methodist in the Labor & Delivery Unit, about the c-section sitch happening there.  The tl;dr version of it is, in this nurse's opinion, that the entire operation is fucked (in Park Slope.  Yep.).  Clickity-click for the full dispatch:

Click to read more ...

Friday
Apr162010

[INFIPSTIGATION] Park Slope Food Coop v. Barneys Co-Op

image via RackedOh for fuck's sake. It's true [gawd, I thought it was a good April Fool's joke].

So yes, I emailed Park Slope Food Coop General Manager Joe Holtz to get his side of the story.

Here you go. Have your fun, you dirtbags... I hate that you're right.

Click to read more ...

Saturday
Apr102010

BREAKING: GORILLA COFFEE IS C-L-O-S-E-D!?

I'm going apeshit here.

We got intel from the dudes at Sprudge that Gorilla Coffee had every employee walk out last night on their oppressive hipster-in-chief. Baristas, roasters -- everyone!

I went on a down-n-dirty inFIPStigation this morning, and it's true: Gorilla is indeed closed. I guess indefinitely (???), since there's not a note or anything on the door...

SON OF A BITCH??

Did Gorilla operate a sweatshop in the basement and exploit little Park Slope children, paying them well below international minimum wage? Did the the owner threaten to remove the leather-bound copy of the Communist Manifesto from the window display? No one has spilled the beans on exactly what has happened yet thoug this was a telling comment from Sprudge:

100% true. Everyone gave written resignation and walked out after the tyrants refused to comply with basic respect. How long this will last and whether or not an agreement will be reached is still yet to be answered. But the baristas (former rather) of Gorilla Coffee deserve much props for their guts. Norma Rays of coffee!

And so I'm left sad...confused...and wondering while sipping on my April 7th roast with the cupping notes of raisin, almost, blood orange, and chocolate.

So, you tell us! Is this IT for Gorilla?? Anyone got the 411?

(p.s. If any of the disgruntled Gorilla employees wanna get in touch with FIPS and share their side of the story, email us! effedinparkslope at gmail dot com).

More:

Friday
Jan222010

CALL OFF THE DOGS: COTMM FIPS-TIGATION UPDATE

Okay, everyone.  This shit is INSANE. 

I just ask a simple question (ie: Where the fuck is my mail?!), and I ended up igniting a firestorm of complaints about the mail service around these parts.  Stories of mailmen hanging out in building lobbies, weeks after weeks of no Netflix, homeless men finding mail in the recycling bin when fishing for empty cans and bottles—it's all super carayzee.

On one hand, it's nice to know you're not alone.  On the other, more pessimistic hand, it's kind of scary to know that this is a neighborhood-wide problem and not just an isolated incident.  So, we decided to mail a letter and test the whole thing out.

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Jan202010

Undercover FIPS-tigation: Case of the Missing Mail (COTMM)

Not to beat a dead whore horse, but this whole not getting your mail thing is kind of a big deal.  Especially around this time of year, when you've got important financial documents coming.  Hey, USPS, how the fuck am I going to get the tax return that kinda sorta makes me forget that my job pays me in candy bar wrappers and thumbtacks?

So, we've decided to launch a full-scale investigation of this situation, and are kicking it off with me mailing myself a "test" letter (see above).   I dropped this sucker in the mailbox on Seventh Avenue right outside Smiling Happy Crack Face Pizza at 6:30AM this morning.  According to my calculations (and considering the fact that the envelope is travelling literally a few blocks away from its current location), I should receive the letter by Saturday morning AT THE LATEST [ed. note: SATURDAY??? Are you fucking kidding me?? You should get that back by tomorrow! If you don't have the letter by Friday, 1/22, protests should be staged]. 

Click to read more ...