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Breeder vs. Baller will return with a bang, next week. This week we bring you a special edition, from the trenches report from our favorite resident badass: BALLER.
WASSUP, bitches? Happy Christmas, Merry Chanukah, Kicky Kwanzaa and blah, blah, blah. I've been nursing a killer eggnog buzz for the past few days, but I'm officially outta weed now, and there's just something I gotta get off my chest.
Facebook: embrace ur own fate and just go ahead and change your name to Babybook.
I fucking hate facebook now...HATE IT. Not because of all the annoying apps, and not because of the retarded new design. I hate it because its been totally and completely overrun by babiez.
My front page feed looks like a fucking yearbook for the pre-natal unit at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. "Oh my gosh, he's sooooo adorbs!" "Little Beth is just as precious as her big sis!" Or my fave: "Alex looks like he loves his mommy and daddy very much!"
Right.
That's exactly what Alex looks like.
Wanna know what I think Alex looks like? I think Alex looks like "GETTHEFUCKOFFMYFACEBOOKFEED, you little fucker."
And you know what, I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. I really do get that you are super excited to be a new mommy and a new daddy, and I really really AM happy for you. I would love to see a pic every once in awhile of little Cooper or little Maizy tooling around the city or going to the pumpkin patch.
But when literally every single item in my feed is related to the comings and goings of the under 36 mos set (and every single comment, that every single friend needs to make about every fucking new pic posted of the under 36 mos set), it almost makes me wanna go back to myspace (and I HATE myspace with the fire of a thousand hot burning suns).
And Dubya Tee Eff with this new practice of putting a pic of your child *instead* of a pic of yourself?? Have you people ever heard of child predators?? Kidnappers?? If I am your friend, I am more than happy to click on your little photo album button and look there for pics of your precious offspring. I'm friends with you...not your little bebe.
And not only am I forced to deal with all the real world baby bullshit, now I have friends (*yes, actual people that I KNOW) making facebook profiles for their unborn fetuses (just like this asshole).
And its not just facebook. I read about some fucking dude the other day who has literally invented a contraption that twitters everytime his unborn baby kicks? It's called the kickbee!
I get that this is not really facebook's fault...it's my own fault for not having enough straight up BALLER friends like myself. And I guess I just really felt the need to write this as a reminder to all you self-important new parents: this is *exactly* the sort of shit that makes it so fucking annoying to be around you.
This notion that it is impossible to focus on/discuss/highlight/celebrate ANYTHING in your lives now that does not revolve around your kids is very fucking boring and tedious for EVERYONE except for:
*your spouse
*certain members of your family (though not all)
*other new parents who want to partake in this incessant, self-involved narcissistic mind fuck.
And sidenote: how is that we have, as a society, collectively anointed the act of becoming a parent as the penultimate, no holds barred, "hooray for me!" exercise worthy of a 24/7 liveblog/facebook/friendfeed/twitter fest over all others? Can you imagine ANYONE, ANYWHERE spending this much time and/or energy on facebook talking about their cat? Or their ceramics class? Or their cure for cancer research?
My guess is: no. You wouldn't last one week before you "unfriended" the annoying SOB's.
Allison | 
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