CONFIRMED: Jackson Heights *Is* The New Park Slope

These posters declaring that Jackson Heights was the new Park Slope were plastered all over the nabe a few years ago, but I haven't really thought about them since. That is, until I received the following missive from a former Park Sloper, now Jackson Heightser, who has come to realize that her new neighborhood ain't much different from her old one. She forwarded us a post penned by a disgruntled neighbor from her Jackson Heights Family Listserv, which she says is kind of similar to Park Slope Parents:

"I just returned from a mildly unpleasant experience at our local Green Market. First, my path was blocked by the customers of the usual hot food vendor on the corner. Usually I use the bike lane to walk around her, but today the situation was compounded by the presence of the ice cream truck [which, thankfully, was NOT playing a jingle,] so I threaded my way through the clumps of customers. Then, I had a mildly annoying wait to make a couple of small purchases at the Ronnybook Dairy table. A woman was engaging the vendor in a prolonged conversatation, and I could not maneuver to the other side of her because a group of four adults had congregated a couple of feet from the table, blocking my access to the other end of the table. As I had not yet made any purchases and was carrying nothing but an empty shopping bag containing empty plastic bags, this was not a big deal.

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Babies Banned in First Class on Air Malaysia

 

Here's how I imagine first class on Air Brooklyn: flight attendants of ambiguous ethnic origin and sexual identity serve classic cocktails and a dinner includes truffled mac n' cheese, a beet and goat cheese salad and a salted caramel tart. The inflight movie selection is sorted by auteur, and on your headset you can listen to Jonathan Franzen reading excerpts from the latest New York Review of Books. But most importantly, every seat has a built-in cradle and the aisles are stroller width. Despite the fact that (luckily) this airline only exists in my brain, Air Malaysia has still managed to position itself as the anti-Air Brooklyn by banning infants in first class. 

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BREEDER v. BALLER: Baby Names

IMAGE VIA DANIELLENICOLESMITH ON FLICKR

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Baby Names!

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BREEDER v. BALLER: Strollers On The Subway

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Strollers on the Subway.

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BREEDER vs BALLER: Kids Will Make You Poor

Each week Once in a blue moon, we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched. This week: Kids will make you poor.

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Who Gives A Shit: BALLER Kenpo Rights?

As well all know, BREEDERS are annoying. In addition to taking over all bars and restaurants in Park Slope, all sidewalks, all parks, and all parking spots, now BREEDERS are insisting that we all get fat. Behold this sad story from a childfree FIPS reader:

"My street and building in South Park Slope used to be mainly artists and minorities. It was a nice quiet life for nearly 4 years. Then in the last six months we've been invaded. My entire building has become a house of horrors: crying babies, yippy dogs and pretentious parents. We're surrounded on all sides.

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BREEDER vs BREEDER: New Moms Gone Wild

Fine, I'm in. I hate us too.

I've said it myself: people are assholes or not, whether or not they have kids. But, there is something particularly godawful about the entitlement of the new mommy. I can understand that this is probably hormonal and you will get over it, but I must ask that you go away until you do!

Yesterday morning, I was literally almost mowed down on the way to drop-off by a gogo-booted mother speedwalking with her stroller. We were waiting for a light to change so I don't know where she thought her bitchy, "excuuuuuse me" was going to get her but she didn't give it a passing thought as she jack-booted her fat ass in her retro mini dress down the street. What happened to the motherhood of arms!? Or some united shit like that...

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