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« WE'VE ALL SEEN THIS SHIT: PARK SLOPE SCENES (BY STEVEN WEINBERG) | Main | How to Upcycle your old shit into new shit »
Friday
May252012

PS 282's Cleaning Crews May Be Adding To Park Slope's Rat Problemo

Ladies! Jump on a chair, pull your skirts suggestively above your knees and proceed to wail like a banshee, because Park Slope is -- as we recently suspected -- overrun with rats. Turns out cleaning crews at local school PS 282 have been throwing out loads of garbage, specifically discarded cafeteria food, onto the street near 6th Ave and Berkeley, which is attracting the furry little locavores in droves. And they have been wreaking havoc! In one unconfirmed and completely made-up report, a rat stole a baby from the Starbucks on 7th avenue and sold it into white slavery. Obviously something must be done (where is Crispin Glover when you need him? Probably somewhere painting a dwarf with Down’s syndrome).

Unbeknownst to the residents of Park Slope, the incident is actually part of a complicated plot* by the cleaning crew at PS 282, who is reportedly so sick of the kids who they clean up after every goddamned day that they have concocted an intricate plot to rid their once peaceful neighborhood of the screaming little stroller jockeys. 

The first step is attracting enough rats to whip the townspeople into a frenzy, followed by a make shift Slope-wide meeting, wherein they will decide that the only logical solution is to hire a magical piper who can play an enchanted tune and lead all the rats into the Gowanus.

Naturally, afterwards, the piper will demand his pay, which the town’s people will deny him because he supports Israeli humus. Then in retribution the piper will play a magical version of The Arcade Fire’s Sprawl II and all the little hipster children will prance after him, never to be seen again.

So the bad news is that we have rats. The good news is that if the cleaning crew at PS 282 have their way, The Tea Lounge is going to be a lot more tolerable in the mornings (I'm looking at you, sing-along).

*I'm completely making this up.

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