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Monday
Aug272012

OK, Who's The Dick (or Dicks) That Destroyed A Bunch of Greenwood Cemetery Monuments? 

Photo via Gothamist

Cut it out with the steroids, you guys. Seriously.

Recent vandalism in Greenwood Cemetery -- obviously caused by a group of roid-raging idiots, because who else would have THAT much pent-up aggression -- has left 43 tombstones, crosses, and arches knocked over or destroyed. The NYPD Hate Crimes Unit is investigating the situation, and at least one of the vandals was caught by security cameras. Repairs are estimated to cost $100,000, but some of the damage is irreparable. Looks like the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people have won this round. Fuck those guys.

Seriously, there are so many better ways to take out your aggression in the neighborhood. Here are some recommendations for ways to build it up and get it out (vandals: take note):

1. Head over to the Greenwood Park Beer Garden, where you will likely find yourself growing angry at the parents who bring their children there in the afternoon, and the "bridge and tunnel" set by night. Take out your aggression by screaming at the used condoms littering the nearby sidewalk.  

2. Meander over to Flatbush and shout obscenities at the glass-and-rusted-steel exterior of the Barclays Center. There’s nothing you can do to stop its imminent opening, but you can still be mad about it (as an alternative flip off one of the Barclays Center signs in the subway station for the duration of your wait for the train.)

3. Wait in line for a cab at LaGuardia. There will most definitely be some douchebag who tries to jump the comically long line, and you will be there to berate him on behalf of everyone standing behind you. 

4. Spill coffee on your desk at work. Obviously this is maddening if you do it by accident, but if you spill coffee on your desk on purpose, you’re bound to throw a tantrum (you may even build additional aggression by becoming angry at me for suggesting that you do something so dumb). Take out your aggression by sticking Post-It Notes all over your hairy arms, and then ripping them off all at once. 

5. Go to Ikea on a Saturday -- beat the shit out of a pillow.

If you’d like to donate to help cover the cost of the repairs in the cemetery, you may do so here.

[Via Gothamist]

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