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Tuesday
Nov132012

New Parents are Like Assholes: Every Neighborhood Has One 

So I'm about 100% sure what I'm about to "report" on is a joke. OR it's an evil ploy to gain attention from a blogosphere obsessed with calling Park Slope Parents stupid and ridiculous. Please please please someone tell me it's a joke. If by some wild stroke the following wasn't posted in jest, well, then the writers of it should have their license to pro-create revoked because They. Just. Suck. 

As recently reported by Gawker, someone outed some brand spankin' new parents who had written a Google document for their friends, which states the following: 

We are beginning to settle into a routine with our sweet baby girl and have visitors. [Parent] and I put together a list of "helpfuls" if you would like to come over and help us out during this transitional period into parenthood. Please visit this google doc:

Dear friends and family,

The following helpful list are the kind things that we will remember and appreciate forever. This is what [Parent]'s body and soul needs, and will be most helpful for our bonding with the baby. By devoting just a few hours doing one of these things, we will get the support and rest we need with our newborn in the house.

Love,
[Two Chill Parents]

1. Ask us what groceries we need around the house and bring them to us. We likely need toilet paper and milk.

2. Drop off a big super greek salad with grilled chicken. We will dress it ourselves at home. Or, drop off frozen homemade food like lasagna we can reheat later.

*Allergies/intolerances include: Soy anything (including tempeh and tofu), carrageenan, guar gum, gum acacia, xanthan gum, carob bean gum (anything with the word GUM in it), lentils — Please read labels. Many of these ingredients are in store bought food.

3. Come over at about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then complete one or more household chores, such as:
-fold laundry
-scoop the litter box
-take [our dog] for a well deserved walk or run around the neighborhood or park
-clean the kitchen or the bathroom
-vacuum

4. Come over at 10am, make me eggs, toast, and ½ a grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw anything out that you doubt — don't ask me, just use your best judgment. Clean the kitchen stove and the kitchen floor.

5. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum, dust, clean the litter box, and then leave quietly. It might be too tiring for me to chat and entertain, but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to a clean, organized space.

6. Take [our dog] for a well-deserved long walk or run around our neighborhood or Prospect Park.

7. Come over to fold laundry or clean and give [Parent] a break so she can go enjoy some r & r, go to a coffee shop, a bar, or something else fun. Vacuum and fold more laundry. Clean the litter box.

8. Make a giant pot of vegetable soup in our kitchen and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Then take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house. Reline the kitchen garbage can with a fresh bag.

Chill Parents indeed. I call shenanigans on all of this.  Seriously, am I the only one who thinks this is a poorly-written attempt at making fun of parents in this neck of the woods? Here are a few reasons as to why I feel the way I do:

A. That allergy list is a flaming pile of bull. Who the hell is allergic to lentils?* Also, if these parents were real obnoxious, urbanite, organic parents, they would love tempeh and tofu SO hard, even if they were allergic to it. 

B. WHO THE FUCK FREEZES LASAGNA? You throw that shit in foil and stick it in the fridge. In addition, if you're allergic to all of the things referenced in item 2, chances are you can't eat lasagna. I'm starting to think this list was created by created by a 17-year-old Korean boy from Balboa Island, California. 

C. Come over in your work clothes and clean? That's a strange detail. Almost too strange to be real (who has a fetish in which someone wears work clothes while cleaning?) 

D. Twice these people requested a dog walk and name-dropped Prospect Park, thus dropping the scent of Park Slope on us all. 

E. Um... how many whole-food organic parents give carte blanche to go into their fridge and throw shit away? You and I both know that people like that save EVERYTHING, and whatever spoils either gets composted or is used to make artisan penicillin. 

F. "Come over to fold laundry or clean and give [Parent] a break so she can go enjoy some r & r, go to a coffee shop, a bar, or something else fun." This, FIP'sters, is where the jig was up for me. Any new parent worth her salt would not take break time to go to a coffee shop or a bar or do something fun. The bitch would sleep -- I don't care what neighborhood she's in. 

Truth be told, I really want this to be fake, but I'm actually related to people who would write something simiar. So whether this is real or fake, balls to you, sir or madam (or Anyong) for NOT BEING CHILL.

*I can't wait to read how many people are truly allergic to lentils once you guys start commenting. 

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