Mo Problems, Mo Problems [Can White People Rap?]

Behold: our brand spankin' new advice column from my favorite dead rap superstar and yours, (Not) Notorious Big.

BOOM! [you're welcome]

Each week, coupla weeks, whenever the fuck he feels like it, Twitter Biggie is gonna answer your most burning questions about life, love and the pursuit of big booty bitches. If you've got mo problems, Biggie's got mo money answers.

Check it:

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Dear Big Poppa:
A good man is hard to find. Where they all at?!
One of your fave Big Booty Bitches

 boo: you got a big ass booty and still aint findin a man? okay, one of two things happenin here: either you fuckin with white dudes, or you straight crazy. you probably one a them wild bitches, gettin freaky in the Lex all night then flippin a table up in the club. either way, hit me on my pager.

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NotNotriousBig,

What's the most straight street way to deal with someone hogging a pole in the subway during rush hour?
@patriceC from Hell and Heartaches

okay. ima tell you how to do some real grimy shit right here, stay with me.

1 - look that motherfucker straight in his face. bug out them eyes, flare them nostrils and start breathin real hard. you wanna be on some real hannibal lecter shit, like you gonna eat his lung or whatever.
2 - get straight behind that motherfucker and start breathin real heavy down the back of the neck. if you can make it sound like you chokin on some blood, thats even better.

aint nobody gonna fuck with you after that. cats gonna clear the fuck out, they see you comin. good luck.

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Popz,

Do you think white people can rap? Cause I think I'm the next Eminem (wanna listen to my demo?)

Em 2.0

*blank stare* 

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Hey Biggie,

I already fucked up my New Year's Resolutions...how can I stay focused? Also, you got any New Year's resolutions?
Carl

oh, you in a lockdown situation homie? keep that head down, mind your business, you gotta keep on and on like erykah, know what i'm sayin? i'm tryna maintain over here, puttin on a little weight. sweater's mad tight. you know what im sayin? this year Poppa gonna blaze more trees, fuck more hos, eat less cupcakes. yo, hov put me up on these strawberry jammies up at the little cupcake joint over on third. we smoke a tree, get a dozen and oh shit! that gotdamn fluffy icing will make a nigga cry, so fuckin delicious.

 

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Big Poppa,
I can't stop eating frozen yogurt...help. Also, what do you dig? Pinkberry, Red Mango or Other?
Jus wonderin

fuck frozen yogurt. for real. what the fuck kinda candy ass you think i am, mario winans or some shit? bout to be some punchin up in this motherfucker.

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Big,
Where can I get some good weed in Brooklyn?
L.A.

yo, one time redman came up to the crib with a L the size of fuckin gary coleman. we turned on ren & stimpy, smoked that shit up and next thing you know, faye wildin cause we ate two platters of deviled eggs and a ham she made for easter company. you shoulda seen that shit, me and red fallin out, crackin the fuck up like we at a wayans brothers show, and faye gettin hot as hell, bout to go upside our heads with the cordless phone. damn, that was some shit, creeper weed. i think we was high for three days.

what was the question? oh, word. i dont know.
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Yo, so Twitter Biggie knows what the fuck he's talking about, ppl. If you gotta question, send it to effedinparkslope[at]gmail.com, and I'll pass it along. Also, follow his ass on Twitter (@NotNotoriousBIG) for non-stop hilarity.