Bloomberg is now outlawing Styrofoam, one of the greatest and longest lasting elements in the known Universe. Oh, Styrofoam, you Prince of insulated to-go containers, where did we go wrong? Yeah, yeah, so you’ll never “decompose." You’re “toxic” when melted. You’ll be in our landfills “forever.” Is there one among us, a vampire perhaps, who has lived forever and testified against the sacred polystyrene (scientific name…boom)?
New Yorkers do not like being told what to do. We’re savvy and metropolitan! We have opinions and attitudes. If we want to pollute while getting fat, we demand the right to order all the huge-ass, Styrofoam-wrapped sodas we can suck down in one sitting. After all, we’ve seen far too many polar bears drinking the stuff to be convinced it could possibly be harmful. Remember when the little one slides backwards down the snow bank and stops at the big one’s feet and they share that crisp, refreshing beverage? That shit is priceless!
Opponents of the anti-Styrofoam initiative argue that Bloomberg is "on the track to ban everything." One went so far as to call him a Communist. In elegant rebuttal, Bloomberg is quoted saying, “…In smoking, you can’t smoke where other people have to breath the smoke, but you can still do that.” It’s the fucking air, dude! It’s everywhere and we all have to breath it…a lot…or we’ll die!
But, seriously, here's the FiPS top 10 list of things Bloomberg should ban:
9. Seating in Times Square
7. The wet, brown sludge that occurs at every corner after a snowstorm
6. David Blaine
5. Crowded subways (the trains, not the sandwich shops)
4. Clowns in Subways (the sandwich shops, not the trains)
3. The Gowanus Canal
1. Styrofoam (that’s actually a pretty good idea)