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Tuesday
Mar052013

I Survived the Fung-Wah (More Like Dung-Wah) Bus to Boston

Four years ago, in mid-July, I felt myself getting progressively stir crazy within the confines of the city so a first time trip to Boston seemed like an inspired idea during the oppressively hot summer. Having moved from Texas just two years before, I had no concept of bus travel beyond the occasional luxury charter bus rides to and from fraternity lingerie parties and other terrible events I’d cinched my boobs together in a spandex vice, for. So when my friend Allison suggested taking the ol’ Fung Wah bus for a mere $15 dollars, I, of course, was thrilled.

I met Allison for an afternoon bus, and as I crossed the threshold of the waiting area, my heart sank. THESE are the people taking the bus? SHITBALLS. I promptly told myself to stop being so damn judgy and prepare myself for a restful trip. Think of it as a moving nap, Chinae. It’s only 4 hours, Chinae. You’re gonna catch up on some reading, Chinae. Maybe they have a bar area, Chinae.

We boarded the bus. A/C broken in 97 degree heat. The only seats that were open were directly left of the bathroom. Lots of crazy looking people, foaming at the mouth (ok maybe they weren’t totally foaming, but they looked REALLY scary). We met eyes with some of the other normals and silently made a pact that if this turned bad, we were gonna be in this together.

Allison and I settled in our seats...I tried to crack my window a few inches so I wasn’t ONLY smelling “Smells Like JLo Glow” mixed with the aroma of my own fear. I thought to myself...no one is gonna use the bathroom on the bus anyway. Who would do that? If they do, they totally only will pee, right?

That day, I discovered the lack of embarrassment and shame that some people have about strangers smelling their feces.

After three hours of reckless driving, and zero minutes of reading later (my knuckles were too busy being affixed to the seat in front of me), the driver announced that we’d be stopping for a dinner break. I’ve never been so happy in my life, I felt like it was my wedding day. Of course my joy was swiftly snuffed out when he added that we would need to bring our meals back on the bus due to us running late. Whatever, we still get to stretch our legs and breathe normal air for a minute or two.

I quickly realized that our “dinner” spot was a fried chicken joint on the side of the highway. I considered running away into the adjacent field at this point and leaving Allison to send condolences to my friends and family. Again, people have no shame and proceeded to board the bus with 5-packs of fried chicken and biscuits galore. The following 3 hours were not a good time to be near the bathroom. In the end, I arrived in Boston...probably sans nose-hairs, but I arrived nonetheless. I vowed that day, that I would NEVER, NEVER tell a new New-Yorker to take this God-forsaken vomit wagon, even to save money.

So, I was delighted to hear some good news this week and share it with fellow Fipsters. Fung Wah bus service was suspended this week due to unsafe conditions and ignored safety regulations, and who knows when these assholes will be up and running again. ABC reports that Fung Wah drivers are in the bottom 3 percent nationwide in driver fitness, which measures training levels and experience...which anyone ever in the history of ever could've told them. This shutdown is probably saving lives, people. Just google Fung Wah bus and see the range of oopsies they’ve committed...rolling buses, 10 hour delays on the side of the road, and injured passengers. A big thank you to the Department of Transportation for saving hundreds of people from a ride on the Poopy Ride of Death. 

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