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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For Jocelyn

Ample Hills Creamery is an ice cream joint in Prospect Heights, and if you ask me (and you didn't but I'm a contributor to this blog, so I get to make this shit up), they only came up with the name "Ample Hills" so that they could sell tee shirts to women with the words "AMPLE HILLS CREAMERY" emblazened across the boob area. Because I have the sense of humor of an 11-year-old, that's why.

Speaking of 11-year-old tastes, you may have heard of this thing called "Nutella."  It's a chocolate hazelnut spread that used to be pretty much unavailable in the United States.  But privileged white mid-westerners went to Europe on an exchange program, and entitled American Jews spent a month on a kibbutz in Israel, and then holy shitballs, can you please shut the fuck up about Nutella and how your host family let you eat it on toast every morning? Because, guess what?  The 80's ended more than a few decades ago, and while you were yammering on about your time abroad, they started selling Nutella at Costco in bulk.

And Ample Hills Creamery came up with a flavor called "Nanatella" which is a banana-Nutella ice cream. The flavor struck a chord with one Jocelyn Bogdan, who allowed her child to eat that much sugar, merely because she had a fond association with Nutella after an itinerant Israeli camper "changed her life" by introducing her to the chocolate-hazelnut spread. 

So far, so good.  Ample Hills is selling the flavor.  Jocelyn is feeding it to her child.  God is in her heaven, and all is right with the world, until... 

...Ample Hills decides that they have to sell fewer flavors.  

Nanatella was on the chopping block, and Jocelyn launched a campaign by writing an op-ed in the Jewish Daily Forward, urging people to vote daily to save her beloved Nanatella.  She didn't stop at the op-ed.  She also launched a Facebook campaign, proving, once and forever, my theory that Nothing Good Ever Happens on Facebook.  She went all "grassroots" on this shit, by recruiting passers-by on the street.

In the end, her beloved flavor lost.  By two votes.  Jocelyn has announced (also in the Jewish Daily Forward) that she will be boycotting Ample Hills, because she thinks the fix was in, and the fix was against Nanatella.

Jocelyn.  Jocelyn.  Dear, sweet, misguided, angry, passive-aggressive, Jocelyn.

Ample Hills is going to rotate their flavors.  So, if Nanatella didn't make the cut this time, it'll probably show up on the roster later on, down the line.  Your children will not be unduly traumatized.

Also, you might not have heard of this thing called "computers?"  Because I went on the inter-ma-net, and typed the words "banana nutella ice cream" into the google machine, and guess what I found out?  Can you guess, Jocelyn?  Well, maybe you can't, so I'll just go ahead and tell you.

You can make your own fucking banana nutella ice cream at home, and it isn't actually very difficult.  In fact, the first recipe that showed up didn't even have dairy which is why I think they put the words "ice cream" in quotes. Here is the recipe:


Banana Nutella "Ice Cream"

4 ripe bananas

1/3 cup Nutella

1.  Peel the bananas.  You might not have thought to do this, Jocelyn, but it is essential to the recipe.  You are very, very welcome.

2.  Cut the PEELED bananas into pieces. (I put PEELED in all caps, because I don't know how well you follow instructions, Jocelyn, but you have to PEEL the bananas, or the recipe won't turn out the right way.)

3.  Freeze the PEELED banana slices for an hour or two.  You do this by putting them in the freezer.  For a couple of hours.

4.  Put the PEELED frozen banana slices into a blender or food processor.  Pulse until it's almost smooth.  

5.  Add the Nutella.  Pulse a few more times.  Put it into a container, and then return it into the freezer.

6.  You won't be using the peels, so you should compost them.  Otherwise, your neighbors will judge you.  Even in Prospect Heights.

So, that's the easiest recipe I could find, Jocelyn.  I went with the simple recipe, because I figured anyone who started a Facebook campaign and accosted random passers-by on the street and took to writing op-eds instead of just doing a basic web search--well, I thought you might need a little extra help.  But, if I'm underestimating you, and you've got the sophistication (and the kitchen aid mixer attachment) to attempt something more difficult, there a recipe with four (4) ingredients that can be located here. (And, Jocelyn, that last word is in bold and highlighted like that, because it's a link, and if you click it, it will take you to a new web page, where you can read more stuff).

Welcome to Summer, Jocelyn!  I hope you eat lots of delicious ice cream!

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