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« Big Dick in Park Slope | Main | My Shoemaker is More Awesome Than Your Labradoodle »
Friday
Dec182009

Holiday Gift FIPStravaganza: Day Five [Dog Obsessed Friends-n-Drunks]

This is our week-long dive head first into the trenches of holiday gift shopping, Park Slope style. Buy local, bitches! Unless, of course, you enjoy walking past empty storefronts every ten feet. In today's edition we cover dog obsessed pals and drunks.

For your dog-obsessed friend:

In Park Slope, dogs rule the neighborhood, second only to annoying kids.  Most dog owners are pretty conscientious though, and “curb their dog” and don’t call the police when I’m coming out of Smiling [Happy Face] Pizza at 3AM, totally tanked, and I happen upon their dog tied up outside of the bodega next door and start petting it like I have never seen a dog before.  “OH MY GODDDDDDDD, PUPPYYYYYYY!” is usually shouted and sometimes there's drool...though its mostly mine.  So yeah, what to get for the best friend of your best friend?

A faux suede coat, obviously (see above). 

Listen, I’m really not into people dressing up their dogs, mainly because I think it’s the equivalent of putting funny makeup and clothes on your invalid mother who you shipped off to the nursing home a few years back (“Mommmm, you look so pretty!  Look at this BLUE eyeshadow!”). But if you’re going to be an asshole and buy clothes for your dog when people in Africa don’t have shoes, that’s your perogative, Bobby Brown. 

4 & A Tail (240 7th Ave. between 4th and 5th Sts) sells Shearling Faux Suede coasts for $45.99, and you can be sure that Rover will never looked more fashionable (or stupid) in one.   PS:  Is that dog in the picture giving me a “come hither” look?  Creepy.

Down the street at Tarzian West (194 7th Ave. at 2nd St.), they’re selling Sojos dog treats, and not that I really know much about dog treats, but they look good enough to eat—and I’m not even a dog.  For $6.95, you can get a box of Bacon Cheddar, Peanut Butter, or for the food snob dog, Duck & Wild Cherry.  When’s lunch? 

If you're down with the dog treat idea but you're looking for something even fancier, you can head on over to the Buttercup Paw-tisserie (yes, people...that is an actual word) (63 5th Ave at St. Marks Place) where they have FRESHLY BAKED doggie treats. This place is allegedly the Magnolia Bakery of the canine set, and based on the spread they had in there, I believe it. Check out this adorable Chanukah Dreidel for all the Jewish dogs in your life ($3.95). Just remember to tell the fur baby's mommy/daddy that this is a dog treat and NOT an actual cookie...or not. Totally up to you.

Finally, head across the street to the soon-defunct Living on Seventh (219 7th Ave. between 3rd and 4th Sts) to pick up a set of these adorable dog bowls.  Okay, I don’t know if they’re dog bowls, per se, but they’ve got a dog’s face at the bottom of the bowl.  Maybe the dog owner can eat out of one, and the dog can eat out of the other?  The possibilities are ENDLESS.  They’re $17 each, so don’t get more than two, for God’s sake.  A dog’s going to be eating out of them.   

For the drunk in your life:

We all have at least one friend that’s always drunk.  New York lends itself well to [borderline] alcoholics scene, mainly because liquid lunches, happy hours, and all-night binge drinking is not only encouraged, but  expected.  Walk into any bar in Park Slope on a Sunday afternoon and you’ll see what I mean.  We’re all a bunch of lushes.  

Prospect Wine Shop (322 7th Ave. between 8th and 9th Sts) is the jewel of Park Slope’s liquor stores, running the gamut between fancy wines, microbrew sake, and chilled bottles of wine for as low as $8.99.  Neighborhood drunks delight in the free wine tastings from 4-6PM on Saturdays.  Pop in, grab whatever poison your friend likes, and you’ll be the hero of the year.  Everyone loves booze.

Everyone also struggles with how to drink on the go (right?).  For that busy alcoholic executive who’s always running around, head on over to Lumiere (238 7th Ave. between 4th and 5th Sts) and pick up a flask for $34.95.  Not only is it wayyyyy classier than a Bud Light tall boy in a paper bag, you can find it in whatever dark gutter you passed out in—it’s glow in the dark! 

If your friend is a *real* drunk, then they probably like all that shit you're supposed to eat along with the wine...like cheese and crackers, dried figs, artisinal chocolate and all that other crap.

Well they've got all sorts of tasty yummies and then some at the adorable little gourmet shop Blue Apron Fine Foods (814 Union Street, nr 7th Ave). You don't even really need to know what you want before you get there...half the fun is telling the cheese guy the sorts of stuff you like and then having him suggest something new for you. Gorgonzola Dolce, don't mind if I do! Stop off there before you drop off your wine, and you and your drunk friend can have yourselves a cocktail party for two.

If I were in the business of having money to spend on such luxuries as “drinking accessories,” I would totally buy this message in a bottle send up from Fred Flare  at Tarzian West (194 7th Ave. at 2nd St.).  I would also buy this if I had the ability to open a bottle of wine and not finish it immediately.  Details, details.  This thing is cute.  And for $8.59, a steal.    

So that’s it!  One week, 51 fabulous gift suggestions.  Of course, there are many, many more worthy businesses in Park Slope that have great stuff--and you should all go buy lots of shit from them. But you fucking try going into every single store in this neighborhood on the coldest, rainiest Saturday in history. 

Okay, okay—no need to get defensive, it’s the holidays.

Hope you and yours have a good one.  Happy holidays, dbags!

ed note: Let's all give a big fucking round of applause to Amanda, who put this whole friggin gift guide together from start to finish. I warned her that my lazy ass was probably going to be too busy to help her, and I was--but she was not dissuaded. So yeah...she rocks. AND she wants people to buy stuff in Park Slope, so just like FIPS, the bitch cares. Bravo!

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