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« The "New Ozzie's" Is Kind of Adorable | Main | Man Wrongfully Accused Of Sexual Attack Speaks Out »
Monday
Dec122011

Hey Genius: Some Small Businesses *should* close!

"I hate that independent bookstores are all closing! Now who will scoff and roll their eyes when I ask a question that would have led to a sale?" -@TheBenWord

As we all know, "Small Business" is a Park Slope code-phrase like "Interracial Couple, Same-Sex Parents, Local Produce, African American Teacher, and Sustainable Energy." All of these codified phrases have the same subtext: "We are beyond reproach: support us at all costs, or you're a fucking scumbag."

Well guess what: I happen to know an interracial lesbian couple who are such horrifically negligent parents, that if you ever saw the way they smoke dope in front of their kids,  even Eminem's mom would call
Child Services.

This article from a Brooklyn blog last week is one of thousands of places where 
you can hear uppity intellectuals bemoaning the loss of Park Slope's mom n pop shops.

Don't get me wrong: the new Dunkin' Donuts makes me edgy, and I can make myself cringe by picturing a Distopian 2024 where 7th ave is all CitiBanks and Arby's, but lets get real:

* Aunt Suzie's was a vomit-inducing shithole.
* Oko was OKAY, but tasted like dicks compared to Culture.
* Ozzie's was filled with jerkoffs on laptops all fucking day, and their hippie staff was always too busy talking about world music with some guy at the front of the line with a Djembe to get my fucking scone. Put aside your prejudice, and compare their service to the Germanic efficiency of the Starbucks on 7th near 1st.

As someone who has to hustle and suck my customers' balls on a daily basis, I'm offended by the notion that certain businesses, like certain people, are entitled to earn a living while the rest of us have to work and worry and compete to be the best. If you're a small business owner, do what the successful guys are doing: worry about your customers, and tell your employees that you know they're the next Quentin fucking Tarantino, but while they're still working for you, they need to treat each customer interaction like it could lead to their big Hollywood break.

Spreading Love and Joy,
Benjamin Leo

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