My husband's a half-jew (on the wrong side -- his father's), so we're about as minimally invested in Hanukkah as anyone could be, without being not invested at all. But since Hanukkah involves eight days of presents, we still try and celebrate, even if it's only a little. The only problem is, the 25th of Kislev keeps moving around on us. Fortunately, I looked it up over the weekend, because in 2013 starts on a Tuesday, which is super, duper early. So if you haven't been planning your gifts ahead of time, or you've misplaced your menorah -- well, you'd better get on that shit, stat!
Anyway. When I went to the Google Machine to look up the dates for this year's festival of lights, I noticed that the people at Chabad.Org allow folks to leave a comment on their "When is Hanukkah this year?" page. Some of those comments -- complete with misspellings, grammar errors, and indicia of psycho-social disorders -- are noteworthy. Here are the top three:
From Richard in Oak Park, Illinois:
I have some Jewish friends and wanted to know if and when the ninth candle is lit?
Gee, Richard. If you really do have Jewish friends, why are you asking this question in a blog comment, instead of actually asking your friends? Maybe because you made them up? I suspect that you accidentally stumbled upon this page, read about all the cool holidays that Jews get, and you started feeling embarrassed because you haven't actually bothered to introduce yourself to your next-door neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Saul Goldberg. So, realizing that you are a horrible person, you decided to just go ahead and ask your question. But to keep people from knowing about your shameful solipsistic life, you just lied and casually mentioned that you've got Jewish friends. I'm sure some of your best friends are black, too. And you're totally okay with gay people, as long as they don't flaunt it. Fuck you, Richard.
From Anonymous in Dallas, Texas:
I would like to wish all my Jewish brethren a Happy Chanuka. From a Christian who supports Isreal.
The fact that this person is posting anonymously from Dallas, Texas, leads me to believe that he or she is one of those scary Christian Zionists. You know, the wingnut right wing freaks who think that the state of Israel is fulfillment of biblical prophesy, which will, in turn lead to a series of wars and tragedies that will pave the way for the second coming of Jeebus? Yeah. I'm pretty sure this is one of those people. I am concerned.
From Anonymous in Toronto, Canada:
I was raised Jewish from age 3 but turns out my family is Catholic. I was friends with a Jewish lady, I was her only friend. Spent her high holidays together with her. She wore lace on her head & prayed over the food. I shall never forget her, I was also alone but not after we met each other & she let me spend days with her. We grew attached. We were close friends. Ah but that was another time.
Oh, COME ON! We were just getting into the holiday spirit, and then you had to post this on the internet? Thank you, Anonymous, for bumming me right the fuck out! I'm going to need to blast ABBA's Greatest Hits at an extremely high volume and dance around my living room for twenty minutes just to undo the cluster fuck of sadness that you just subjected me to. Way to go, asshole.