Some people totally love summertime: the sunshine, the beaches and the fun outdoor activities. I am not one of those people.
I will gladly take a blizzard with unplowed streets and dirty snow piles over the stinking underground steam room of a summer subway station. I’d rather be bundled up for warmth than half naked, sweating my ass off in yet another Park Slope restaurant with inadequate air conditioning. Besides… I look really cute in layers.
So with the summer season unofficially behind us, let’s take this time to wish the hot, humid, and all-together disgusting summer months a big, fat goodbye by doing what this site does best: bitching. Here are the 5 things I totally hate most about summer (and after the jump, head to the comments section and give me yours!)
1. Leaking AC Units
We’ve all experienced it before: you’re walking down the street on a clear sunny day and boom -– you’re struck by a single drop of mysterious liquid that has fallen from the sky. Yes, friends – I’m talking about that dirty, chemical-y residue from a leaky air conditioning unit. Most of the time it lands on the top of your head. If you’re lucky, it only grazes your shoulder. Since God obviously hates me, it almost always hits me directly in my eye.
From May through August, these leaky ACs rain down on my ass (or eye) at least twice a day. The worst offenders are the businesses that mount AC units right above their doors. And so, as a reward for wanting to come inside your dumb store and spend my hard-earned cash, you dump a Freon AC water balloon on my face. Merci beaucoup.
Case in point: the UPS Store on 7th Avenue (pictures in the above photo). This store has such a steady, ongoing drip, it’s created a fucking river down the street. Why do I need to re-enact the water bucket scene from Flashdance in order to get into your store? On the cool or not cool spectrum, this is way not cool (no pun intended).
Listen – I love air-conditioning more than certain members of my own family (see point below), but why do we all need to get dripped on nonstop?! I mean, can someone please explain this?? Are all AC units leaky? Is it just the cheap ones? Isn’t there some sort of gutter you can install to catch the nasty water so it doesn’t drip all over the street?
2. Stores that either don’t have (enough) AC, or don’t use their AC
While we’re on the subject of AC, let’s talk a little bit about stores that have air-conditioning installed but either refuse to use it, or don’t have enough of it to actually cool down the place.
Bareburger has to be the worst proponent of the selective use of AC. They obviously have a unit. I’ve been in there plenty of times when it’s on. But in lieu of actually turning it on they tend to open that giant fucking garage door of theirs. It’s beautiful, really. On a fall or spring day, I bet it’s super pleasant. But when they open that goddamn door to let in the summer heat in when it’s 90 degrees outside, I’m not at all in the mood to eat their bare burgers.
I get that running air-conditioning is expensive, but if you expect me to spend money in your establishment during the months of May through August, I’ve got to be comfortable. And when it’s 100 degrees outside, that means your place needs to be a fucking icebox.
3. Summer TV
If you follow my ass on TWITTER, you probably know that I watch a bazillion hours of TV a week. It’s kind of a bad habit, except I don’t care and will never, ever, never stop. Still, for as much as I watch TV, even I have a hard time staying interested in TV during the summer. Because OMG YOU GUYS, SUMMER TV SUUUCKZZZZ SO HARD.
Besides Breaking Bad, Louie, and Newsroom, there was not one quality, engaging, scripted show on this summer. Not one. (Side note: I don’t consider anything running on USA to be quality or engaging, so stop right now before you try and throw White Collar back in my face). And while three shows might be enough to satisfy the average person’s TV appetite, I’m literally starving over here.
Even the guilty pleasure reality TV I normally enjoy totally sucked ass this summer. Real Housewives of New York City is boring as all shit this season. Every episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey and Project Runway’s new seasons feel like a re-run. So You Think You Can Dance’s new format is a total buzz kill. And Big Ang, though I love her, is not nearly as entertaining by herself as she is with the Mob Wives. It’s gotten so bad, I’ve started watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, people. A TLC reality show about hillbilly pageant parents who consider cheese doodles a major food group. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?
Oh, and I get that the Olympics were really cool and took up a ton of original programming over the summer. I just don’t give a shit about it.
It would be awesome if every network didn’t save all their great programming for the fall and spring. Imagine if we got 13 episodes of Community in the summer, then 13 episodes of 30 Rock in the fall, and then 13 episodes of something else really great in the spring? Then maybe show writers wouldn’t get so burnt out, and ratings wouldn’t be so shitty, and I would finally have something to watch when I get home after sweating my ass off in an un air-conditioned Park Slope restaurant.
4. The man-tank trend
Hey, dude. I can see you’ve been working out. Congratulations. You really look great. But do me a favor and put a fucking shirt on, will you?
See, I know you’re really proud of yourself. But just because you’ve got the body doesn’t mean you need to show the body all the time. These man-tanks you keep wearing are super annoying. I don’t need to see your torso tattoo and your nipples all poking out of your horizontal-striped, multi-colored Forever 21 tank. I shouldn’t be able to count your abs on the way to work in the morning. Or see the razor burn on your newly-shaved chest (side complaint: does anyone have chest hair anymore?). It’s all just too much.
It’s not just that I’m jealous (though I fully admit that’s part of it). Some of us out there can’t wear horizontal stripes, let alone sleeveless shirts. It's just gross; especially when you’re on a crowded subway holding on to the top bar, and my face is practically forced into your exposed armpit.
So please, let the man-tank trend die. I promise you, we’ll all still be aware of how hot you are…even in a regular T-shirt.
5. Flip Flops
Hey, guess what? Your feet are totally gross. I don’t care how many pedicures you’ve gotten or how many foot creams you’ve used – they’re gross. Like, not cute. At all.
And you know what’s even grosser about your feet? The fact that you walk around NYC exposing them to the nastiness, dirt, grime, and so forth. Have you ever caught glimpse of other peoples' feet after walking around this city in flip flops? The bottoms are totally black. Barf.
OH, and then when you wear your flip flops on the subway, and you sit down and you rest your foot on your knee and I have to see that nastiness right up in my face? I can’t. Just stop wearing flip flops. If you want to wear them while at the pool or the park, fine. But walking around during the day, taking the subway, and being all sorts of disgusting? No. NO!
Goodbye summer. I’m so not sorry to see you go.