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GET PORKED at Landhaus

DO YOU WANNA GET PORKED???!!! Sweet! So do I!...Like ALL the time. PORKED IN THE MOUTH.

Unfortunately, as of lately I've been getting a little bored with all the places in Park Slope that I usually go to GET PORKED. That's why it's so perfect that two weeks ago Thursday Landhaus, Brooklyn's wandering pork purveyors, moved into the space occupied this past summer by People's Pops.

Landhaus has earned that "wandering" tag over the past few years by foregoing a physical space in favor of a booth at Smorgasburg & The Brooklyn Flea, and a menu served out of The Woods, a Williamsburg bar. Park Slope makes TOTAL sense for their first physical locale, as their slogan is "Farm to Sandwich." You Park Slopers love that locavore shit.

The tiny storefront space, however, is better suited for take-out due to the dearth of seating. Sure, you can sit at one of the few seats along the wall, or you can do like I did & eat off of the Ms. Pac Man machine, but if you show up on an eve where more than a half-dozen people are looking to GET PORKED in-house, you're pretty much taking that shit to go.

Since People's Pops are returning to the space once the weather perks up again, one wall is still adorned with their imagery. The remainder of the space features adorable chalk drawings of pigs in various stages of delight. One wall even offers the opportunity to draw your own hog using regular chalk or chalk pens. CHALK PENSWAH???!!! The future is here, people.

As for the Park Slope menu, compared to what they offer in other spots, it's sort of weak. At The Woods, they have three kinds of tacos & a butternut quesadilla. At the Smorgasburg & Flea, they offer up a BLT & a Lamb Burger . Don't get me wrong -- in Park Slope, they’ve got a good menu, including their famous Grilled Maple Bacon Sticks, but I'd much rather have tacos. Sorry. I'm kinda obsessed with tacos, especially when they allow me to GET PORKED.

The food menu's not huge, coming in at only four main items, the aforementioned Grilled Maple Bacon Sticks, a few soups and a Fresh Mint Lemonade. When I stopped by with a friend last week, we were able to try most of the menu. Sorry Heritage Pork Meatball Sandwich, Fresh Mint Lemonade & various soups.

First up was the Herb Roasted Mushroom Sandwich, a pile of mushrooms with cheddar cheese sauce & arugula on a toasted bun. While the mushrooms didn't have the heartiness of your standard sandwich mushroom--the Portobello--they did have the right amount of firmness & flavor. The dominant flavor, however, was the yellow cheddar cheese, which was rather salty. I like sodium as much as the next guy, but it was a bit more than I prefer. Luckily, the arugula & bun balanced out the flavor a little bit.

From there, we sampled the Grass Fed Beef Short Rib Sandwich, a toasted bun filled with short rib, topped with cheddar cheese sauce & a bunch of varied peppers. Their short rib is tender & of the shredded variety, and when mixed with the salty cheddar cheese & peppers, the sandwich is sort of like a high-class Philly Cheesesteak. Keep in mind though, if you go to Pat's Steaks & try to order "WIT PEPPERS," you’ll probably get punched.

Since I love bonding with the vegetarians in the hood, we also tried the Beet Salad. Personally, I enjoy chopping, roasting, and tossing a few beets with some nice cheese & lettuce-type stuff, so I'm all about the beet salad. The Landhaus Beet Salad features candied walnuts & shaved, aged Coach Farms Goat Cheese. It was a nice mix of sweet (the beets & walnuts) & salty (the cheese), with a touch of vinegar (the dressing). The roughage rounded it all out.

After sampling all of this, I finally GOT PORKED IN THE MOUTH, finishing up with a Grilled Maple Bacon Stick, which is pretty much just crack. That is to say, since eating one last week, I've gotten IRRATIONALLY HYPER, blown through my life savings, performed oral sex behind the Key Food, sold some salvaged copper & lost a few teeth. CRACK!!! The grilled maple bacon sticks are a honkin' heaping of pork fat with a melty middle crisped up with sweetness on the outside. They're pretty fucking good, but I dare you to eat one every day of your life & not die of a heart attack.

So yeah...go ahead. GET PORKED! Oh wait...there are only two pork items on the menu. Horsefeathers. My repetitive joke is ruined. Whatever. People's Pops returns in the spring, so you have until then to GET PORKED.

Landhaus, 808b Union Street, Open 11am-8pm Tuesday-Sunday

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