On August 27, 1776 General George Washington led his troops from Park Slope, across the Gowanus Creek, and into to Carroll Gardens. Why ever would he tangle with that milky cesspool we know and love? He didn’t want to wait for the fucking G Train!
Last Friday State Senators Squadron and Dilon announced that the MTA will be executing a four-month extensive inspection of G Train service. Quelle surprise! I always thought, “write your senator,” was a cliché roughly translating to “nobody gives a fuck.” Yet multiple complaints of infrequent trains, unannounced service changes, and overcrowding motivated them to get all Inspector Gadget on that shit.
The G’s awkward, two-borough, meandering zigzag makes many a confused commuter wonder why a train exists to take them from nowhere to…well, nowhere. Don’t get me wrong; I love a weekend trip to Williamsburg when there’s secret construction on the G. There’s nothing quite like ping pong-ing back and forth between five different stops to never reach Metropolitan for my night on the town. In the G’s defense, it’s a valuable resource if you live in Long Island City and operate a ride at Coney Island. That’s pretty common, right?
Since landing on this rock 12 years ago, I’ve taken to calling the G the “Ghost Train” because it’s green like Slimer, there have only been a few sightings by incredible yahoos, and most of the cars are invisible. So when there’s a problem, who ya gonna call? [Pausing for audience participation] Wrong! The answer is Senators.
Without further ado, here are the top 10 ways to improve the G:
10. Leather Recliners
9. Open mic night
8. Celebrity conductors (like Carrot Top or Bloomberg)
7. A mascot (if it’s Slimer I get a cut)
6. The G Train home game
5. Bike racks
4. Automated arrival boards
3. Trash receptacles
2. A bar car
1. That G train song played on continuous loop