Allow me to preface the following by saying that robbery is a heinous, cowardly crime — unless, of course, you rob from the rich to give to the poor. Then it’s noble.
Our mothers taught us from an early age that we mustn’t take what isn’t ours, do unto others, and never point fingers. Last Friday, an unsuspecting Park Slope resident learned that not everyone heeded the sage advice of dear old mom. One bad little drifter is going to bed without dessert.
According to the 78th precinct police blotter via Park Slope Patch:
“A burglar stole over $100,000 in jewelry from a Union Street apartment on Jan. 11. The 30-year-old victim told police that she left her Union Street apartment, between Fourth and Fifth avenues, at around 8:30 a.m. and didn’t return until 9 p.m. that night. When she returned, she found that a burglar had climbed through the back window and stole a pair of gold earrings worth $10,000; a 24 karat gold watch worth $40,000; a $50,000 emerald ring; and a prasiolite ring worth $3,000. The burglar escaped the apartment through the back window. Neighbors told police that they heard someone moving around in the apartment between 6:45 and 7 p.m.”
Why didn’t our victim have a safety deposit box, or at minimum, a combination safe? Why didn’t she have those crisscrossed red lasers from the movies that require a pouch of baby powder and an Olympic gold medal in gymnastics to overcome? Perhaps we can be of assistance in solving this crime, my Sleuthing Slopers. To the fact-mobile:
- An extraordinarily wealthy young woman chooses to live in an apartment on Union Street between 4th and 5th Ave in Park Slope, rather than a bumpin’ penthouse on Park Ave.
- There was a stockpile of exorbitantly expensive jewelry, the least valuable of which (but hardest to pronounce) being a $3,000 prasiolite ring which, incidentally, is a transparent green quartz rather than the Rite Aid brand of Pedialyte.
- The burglar gained access to the backyard of her building, climbed through the window, and stumbled upon a fortune. Now that’s one lucky bastard. If the Hamburglar fell into such spoils he wouldn’t have had to do so many damn commercials.
What’s that my dear sleuths? Your Scooby senses are perking up? I’m gonna say what we’re all thinking…Insurance Fraud!
Don’t get me wrong, I feel terribly for our local Lady Godiva but I’m a tad perturbed that a 30-year-old was sitting on her own personal Tiffany’s while I’d only be out a pair of Nikes with dog poop on them, some leftover Thai, and my piano (if they could lift it).
In all seriousness, it’s off-putting that there’s been a seemingly increasing crime statistic in the area. We hear story after story of theft in da ’hood. Let’s take a stand. I’m not condoning vigilante justice but I do urge you to keep an eye out for your neighbors. If something seems odd, chances are it is. After all, if it smells like a fish and it looks like a fish—it’s probably some mother-fucker trying to rob your landlady.