Just when you think that Brooklyn parents have hit their "ridiculous-things-to-do-with-babies" quota, the neighborhood manages to wring out a few more fad-following fools. The people at The Candy Rush on Franklin Avenue are holding Baby French classes, where wee tots as young as 9-months old are taught the French language even before they can speak, well, anything.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I understand the invaluable benefit for a child to learn a second language at a young age. Fluency in more than one language is certainly better than being relegated to one. However, I can’t help but question the parents’ motives in choosing French, of all languages. Why not Spanish? Or Chinese? I’ll tell you why not.
Here are the Top 5 Likely Reasons Brooklyn parents are teaching their babies French:
1. Because nothing looks cuter than a French speaking baby wearing a beret. NOTHING.
2. So they can entertain you and your friends at dinner parties by saying things like Je t'aime Maman and Le miel Boo Boo ne garde pas.
3. Because everyone gave the parents horizontally-striped baby clothing at their baby shower, forcing them to have no choice but keep the baby within the confines of either a French theme (it's that, or Hamburglar).
4. Because they made the colossal mistake of naming their baby "Champagne," and a sophisticated french class is the child's only chance to grow up and be a sommelier instead of a stripper (You REALLY fucked that one up, you guys).
5. To finally show that bitch Trudy Beekman who’s winning at life: you are, the one with the French speakin’ bebe.
Oui, I think I’ve made my point here.