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« Bussaco Is Closed | Main | WHASSUP: July 22-28 »
Friday
Jul232010

ATTACK OF THE RACCOONS

Are you afraid of burglars? Rapists? Roving gang members? Well, save it, cause what allll your asses REALLY should be worrying about is A MOTHERFUCKING RACOON BREAKING INTO YOUR MOTHERFUCKING APARTMENT AND HAVING A BURNING MAN STYLE RAVE IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING KITCHEN.

T-R-U-T-H.

I thought this shit was fake too, ppl, it was so hard to believe. But after several emails back-and-forth with FIPS reader Jon and his friend Toby (who lives right smack in downtown Park Slope), I too am a believer.

Here's what went down (according to Toby):

I live on the 3rd and 4th floors of a duplex brownstone. The kitchen is on the 3rd floor and 
my cousin sleeps on that floor. My daughter and I sleep upstairs.

 My cousin has a small dog and closes her door at night--her air conditioner was on full blast, so 
she didn't hear anything.

 When she woke up and opened the door to the kitchen, she saw our 
silverware drawers out, silverware all over the floor along with oatmeal
 and other detritus. She thought we'd had a regular burglary until she 
spotted the raccoon head sticking out of the back of the silverware 
drawer.

HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE!? Imagine walking into your kitchen in the morn to grab a bowl of cereal or some OJ and instead you see the DECAPITATED HEAD OF A RACCOON STICKING OUT OF YOUR SILVERWARE DRAWER!!?? ARE YOU PPL IMAGINING THIS SHIT??? WELL STOP IMAGINING B/C HERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!

As best as we can deduce, the raccoon made a hole in the screen of a
 window in the kitchen that was open. It pooped on the stove and all over the 
counter and generally caused a gigantic mess.  It found a big thing of dry oatmeal and
 a loaf of bread on top of fridge and then must have smelled the dog food
 that was in a big bin in the cabinet. The cabinet doors have childproof
 locks and the doors were closed, so there must be a 
space in the back maybe between the fridge and the cabinet?  I don't know,
but the raccoon got in there and into the dog food and caused a big fat
 mess.  It must not have been able to figure out how to crawl back
 out the way it came and couldn't push out the doors because of the locks.
 Looks like the raccoon pushed out the silverware drawers to get out, and 
tried to squeeze itself through the little crack in the back of the 
silverware drawer.  It must have gotten its head out and then suffocated as
 it couldn't get its body out. So, the raccoon was dead by the time we 
got up in the morning and its body was still in the cabinet.

OMFG.

OMFG.

OMFG.

OMFG.

I don't think the raccoon was decapitated, but I didn't look closely. His head was jammed in the drawer so who knows? 

OMFG.

OMFG.

OMFG.

OMFG.

In the morning, its baby was outside on the fire escape sleeping! My landlady got a pest control company to remove the raccoon while we were at work and we haven't seen the baby again.

THE BABBBBBY!? THE RACCOON HAD IT'S BABY WAITING OUTSIDE??? I'm literally typing this as I breathe into a fucking paper bag. I'm pretty sure I'd prefer an *actual* robber to having to deal with a situation as harrowing as this one. We salute you, Toby...for realz.

As for all of your asses: be afraid....BE VERY AFRAID. I MEAN, LIKE SOOOOOO FUCKKKKKING AFFFFRAID.

 

Reader Comments (4)

Restraint Hypoxia. The cops do it all the time.

July 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@murmur55

My doctors' notes showed malpractice, inaccuracies, nasty comments & gossip, outright lies, & failed documentation of diagnosis & treatment. The records looked like they belonged to 20 different patients.

July 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@murmur55

sooory. Last post was for another article...Too much computer...

July 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@murmur55

Why are you terrified of a raccoon? You would "prefer an *actual* robber to having to deal with a situation as harrowing as this one"? Are you serious? A robber is there to steal valuables and possibly hurt, or even kill, you. A raccoon is only there to steal food and it would be terrified of you.

September 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEvan

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