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« 'KILL JEWS' [Can We All Just Agree That This One Falls Under 'Not Cool?'] | Main | I'm Less Of An Asshole...Because of My Dog »
Thursday
Jan282010

Ass-Off

In honor of National Personal Trainer Awareness Day, Healthy Weight Week, and in breathless anticipation of getting my married rocks off at the Valentine’s Shag PJ Party Erica is planning (yes, that’s right: I sent that cougar needs to get laid email--not!), I am crash dieting.

I know: you PC Park Slopers think I should love my fat ass as is and focus on a healthy body image, but my six-year-old AND my 11-year-old have started making fun of me as I struggle valiantly into my inexplicably tight jeans. My husband has taken to using code words like lush curves, rubenesque, or worse, no comment.

I'm sure you type A disciplined types think I should get said tush to the gym (or the new Armory!), and I agree: I should. I will. Maybe tomorrow.

My motivation is low as of late as my favorite gym teacher is off spanning the globe doing her post-doc work in the politics of blood and African literature (or something like that). Only in Park Slope would I have a PhD for an aerobics instructor.

So, I say no to Honorary Fat-Ass Appreciation Month and yes to Guangzhou’s Super Slim fruit capsules. All the little foil wrappers are in Chinese and Russian.

I’m on day four and I pretty much haven’t slept since I started these things up, so I’m beginning to think this shit has something in it besides kiwi, konicing nut (??) and sweet potato fiber. My friend Nina from Argentina says we must persevere despite the fact that her husband is wondering why she’s cleaning the bathroom at three in the morning (also, isn’t Argentina known for having the highest rates of cosmetic surgery or something?) (ed. note: nah, that's Brazil).

For the record, I also let Nina talk me into buying a pair of those embarrassing Skechers Shape-Ups (previously mocked here) that purport to tighten and tone without having to go to the gym. They are actually pretty comfortable, and also a walking testament to my own credulity and vanity.

So far he's my report on the mysterious Chinese "fruit capsules": pants are getting looser and I’m eating well--I just don’t have much of an appetite. Also, I haven’t slept in days, have a colony growing in my cotton mouth, and I'm probably on the verge of a major coronary. Will I have to head to a methadone clinic by next month? Stay tuned.

I heard one of my fellow effed bloggers has joined Weight Watchers (won't join the Food Coop but has no problem with WW? Just the thought of attending that meeting would turn me off food).
How ‘bout your healthy eating plan? Aside from illegal Chinese diet pills, what does everyone else do?

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