Let’s all take a minute to remember our dear friend Jimmy McMillan who once proclaimed that thou rent is “too damn high."
Preach on, Jimmy. Preach on.
For those of you who have yet to reevaluate your stance on suburbia and dining at the Olive Garden, and have instead decided to grin and bear the New York grind for another year, here is a round-up of current real estate you can expect to pay entirely too much for.
**PLACES FOR SALE**
Location: 467 14th Street (8th Ave & Prospect Park West)
Real Estate Agency: Real Direct
What it's like: This historical landmark is porn for an architect or design enthusiast. Recently renovated by its architect owner, it features a number of updated originals mixed with stunning new renovation. With 12-rooms, 4-bedrooms, fireplaces, a garage and more outdoor spaces you can count, this place just may be worth the price tag.
Why you might want this place: Because you’re a Harry Potter enthusiast and have been dying for a library ladder to access you custom double high kitchen cabinetry.
Why this place might suck: While it’s cool to boast your house as part of the “Park Slope Historic House Tour," we imagine the parade lines outside your front door would get old real fast. Just ask Sarah Jessica Parker.
Location: 34 St. Marks Ave (5th Ave & 6th Ave)
Real Estate Agency: Citi Habitats
What it's like: Originally on the market in 2011, the current listing is down $300,00 from its highest point. Boasting “modern amenities with old world details," it sports 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, plus 2-half baths. Plenty of exposed brick, a patio,a deck and floor-to-ceiling windows make this place easy to call home.
Why you might want this place: Because your kid is a on the Brooklyn Nets Kids Dance Team, and you’re looking for a place with practice space and proximity to the stadium.
Why this place might suck: Because it’s been off and on the market for quite some time. Who knows what literal skeletons are hanging in the closets?
Location: 349 13th Street (6th Ave & 7th Ave)
Real Estate Agency: Rutenberg Realty
What it's like: Built in 1899, this house looks like it belongs somewhere south of the Maxon Dixon, but begs to be Brooklyn with its hard-to-miss (and easy to paint) bright red door. The semi-attached home with a charming front porch sits on a spacious lot, has 3 bedrooms and just as many outdoor spaces. Legally zoned as a 2-family home, the bottom level is unfinished, but could be converted for a rental tenant.
Why you might want this place: Because your hammock would sit much better on a front porch than off your tiny balcony.
Why this place might suck: When the realtor recommends that you “bring your architect,” one can only imagine the overwhelming projects that await this pre-war building.
Location: Carroll Street (4th Ave & 5th Ave)
Real Estate Agency: Corcoran
What it's like: In one word: Modern. In four words (according to Corcoran): chic and organically modern. (Great…now modern is organic?) Enrique Norten’s new construction has 17 units with open concepts and an ultra contemporary feel. In this case, contemporary also means comfort as all units have snazzy temperature control, eco-friendly appliances and washer/dryers.
Why you might want this place: Because it’s pretty. Really pretty. It also has a delightful zen-like outdoor garden, which serves as a lovely escape from the mean streets of Park Slope.
Why this place might suck: What’s modern in this 2-bedroom, 2-bath may in a few years be just as dated as your iPhone4. Thankfully, floor to ceiling windows rarely go out of style.
Location: 396 12th Street (6th Ave & 7th Ave)
Real Estate Agency: David West Properties
What it's like: A clean, sunny 1-bedroom in South Slope that has, well, everything you’d expect from a 1-bedroom for under $400,000. Co-op building, hardwood floors, good location and (fingers crossed) no bed bugs included.
Why you might want this place: Because you’re 39 and it’s time you owned something, damnit.
Why this place might suck: The co-op board and the canary yellow walls are both likely to give you a headache.
**PLACES FOR RENT**
Location: 14 7th Avenue (Park Place & Sterling)
Real Estate Agency: Corcoran
What it's like: Imagine if Alice from Alice in Wonderland had her tea party at the Grand Prospect Hall. This gigantic townhouse is delightfully trippy with design elements ranging from art-deco to urban lumberjack. Perfect for a large family or a sorority.
Why you might like it: Because you are hoping to rival the Duggers in procreating and need 8 bedrooms for your growing brood.
Why this place might suck: Your compact dust buster is no match for this colossal abode. Make sure to factor in the price of a cleaning service before leasing this beast.
Location: Berkeley Place (8th Ave & the park)
Real Estate Agency: Brown Harris Stevens
What it's like: The web listings maintain a bit of mystery on this 3, possibly 4, bedroom apartment on top of a beautiful townhouse in North Slope. With interior reminiscent of Joan River’s powder room and sporting your Grandma Rose’s 1960s wallpaper, we’re...intrigued.
Why you might like it: Because your dinner parties are deserving of a formal dining room.
Why this place might suck: Apartment shopping on the web is not so dissimilar to online dating. We want more photos before getting too invested.
Location: 6th Street (7th Ave and 8th Ave)
Real Estate Agency: Ideal Properties
What it's like: This prewar 2-bedroom has been nicely brought to modern times with refreshing renovations, including a washer/dryer and dishwasher in the unit. Also nice? The roofdeck, which is perfect for sunning, BBQing and a blow-up kiddy pool.
Why you might like it: Because fencing on the roof ensures you can sun bathe in your skivvys.
Why this place might suck: The kitchen leaves something to be desired, as witnessed by the microwave atop the fridge. Budding Dale Talde’s best look elsewhere.
Location: 4th Avenue (Butler Street)
Real Estate Agency: Elliman
What it's like: This lovely 1-bedroom in a new-ish luxury building boasts tons of conveniences to “offer residents a zen-inspired lifestyle of soothing retreat, wellness, and comfort." Despite this claim, a masseuse does not come included with the rental, but a doorman does.
Why you might like this place: Because you prefer your residence to be a compound that you never have to leave. Also, a “pet spa” is at the top of your rental check list.
Why this place might suck: Because you’ll never leave your apartment building and therefore will be likely to die alone.
Location: Prospect Park West (Union Street)
Real Estate Agency: Elliman
What it's like: It’s a studio. A nice studio. 500 square feet of your own bliss, with a nice-looking kitchen and advertised “good” closet space.
Why you might like this place: Because let’s face it, all you want in life is peace, quiet and your own apartment where you can watch Teen Mom in your underwear.
Why this place might suck: That part-time doorman means you’re only part-time protected from Park Slope hooligans.