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Friday
Jul132012

a FiPS guide to Upcoming Barclays Center Events

We're waitin' for ya, Babs!

If you're playing along at home, you may recall that we've already warned you about the fact that Brooklyn Nets games won't be the only things happening at the Barclays Center.  Once it opens, Slopers will have easy access to some really terrific performances and, well, other kinds of performances! We here at FiPS have taken a look at what's on the horizon, and here are some highlights:

Jay-Z

Jay-Z.  (9/28-30)  Sean Corey Carter is a part-owner of the Nets, and it's been reported that he was a big advocate for their move to Brooklyn (so he is in some way responsible for the horrible monstrous Atlantic Yards project).  If enough of us go to his concert and set ourselves on fire in the arena as a protest, perhaps they'll tear down the arena and leave us in peace.  It's worth a shot.  Tickets go on sale July 13.  Let's make this happen!

The Harlem Globetrotters.  (10/7)  This time, the Generals are going to win it.  They're so overdue for a win, it's a statistical certainty.  You won't want to miss that.

Barbra Streisand (10/11-13)  Brooklyn hasn't seen her since she crimped her hair moved to LA and started making shitty movies ("I will not be nuts for you!!!").  If Babs is coming back to Brooklyn, she'd damn well better get a pageboy haircut, put on the sailor suit and get that Egyptian eyeliner going.  We want the old Barbra back. The Barclays Center may not have a retractable roof, but surely they'll put one in before she performs -- the demand is written in her rider, so we can all assume that each concert will end with Barbra leaving the stage in a diamond-encrusted helicopter.  

Sensation (10/26-27).  I had to look this one up.  Here's what it is: "Sensation features world-renowned DJs who accompany extraordinary spectacles, acrobats, state-of-the-art lightshows, and lasers in a heart racing production that has wowed millions of event goers in over 20 countries since 2000. The event at Barclays Center marks the first time that Sensation will program an entire weekend event outside of Holland."  I swear to you, I didn't make that up.  I just cut it and pasted it.  Because as hilarious as my FiPS posts are, I'm just not that funny.  No one is.  Except for Dutch people, and that's purely unintentional, on their part.

Fuck yeah, Pat Benatar!

Journey, Pat Benatar and Loverboy  (10/30)  I just crapped my pants.  How the fuck am I going to grow a mullet between now and the end of October?!?

Justin Bieber (11/12)  I tried to call Justin Bieber's publicist to confirm that it was actually him who'd be performing in November, but I only had one bar and the call kept dropping.  I suspect that this isn't the real Justin Bieber, and that it's just a lookalike lesbian from the neighborhood who's scamming us to make a quick buck.

Coaches vs. Cancer Classic.  (11/16-17)  This appears to be some sort of exhibition basketball game.  From the name of the event, I'm presuming that a bunch of sports coaches will play basketball against a team composed of life-sized malignant tumors.  I really hope the Coaches win.

Kelloggs Tour of Gymnastic Champions (11/18)  I'm not sure what this is, exactly, but I think it might be Nastia Liukin eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats.  Meh.

Disney on Ice: Rockin' Ever After (11/27-12/2) Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head goes on tour, and performs classic songs by Led Zeppelin, the Yardbirds, Van Morrison and Steppenwolf.

So, that's what you've got to look forward to between now and the beginning of December.  Self-immolation, lasers, helicopters, cancer, cereal, hair and a disembodied singing head.  See you there!

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