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« Wallet-Friendly Retail Therapy: Where do you get your fix? | Main | WE'VE ALL SEEN THIS SHIT: PARK SLOPE SCENES (BY STEVEN WEINBERG) »
Monday
Apr302012

A FiPS Guide To All Boobs, Chicken Related Things

It was only a matter of time.  Earlier, we here at FiPS speculated about the types of businesses that might be drawn to the North Slope now that the Atlantic Yards project is nearly complete.  But we failed to state the obvious: it's only a matter of time before Park Slope gets a Hooters.

Like flies are drawn to shit, Hooters is now feeling the pull of the Barclay Center.  They've tried to buy the Triangle Sports location, as well as the Pinchik Hardware space. And we're guessing that they won't stop until they land in the North Slope -- all so that people who don't live in our neighborhood can have giant plates of wings served by bimbos in orange hot pants with ginormous fun-bags. Will any Slope residents go to Hooters?  I doubt it.  I've heard tell that the wings at Hooters aren't actually all that bad, but then again, that same person told me that they read Playboy for the articles.  Anyone who lives in this neighborhood knows that the Bonnie's Grill is the place to go for wings, right?

So since we're going to be forced to deal with this shit-show sooner or later, we might as well present you with your FiPS Guide To All Things Related to Boobs and Chicken Wings.  Here we go!

1.  More than any other body part, men have spent centuries coining interesting and funny euphemisms for boobs.  The funniest of these are: The Pointer Sisters, Blouse Bunnies, and Pool Toys.  If you have other faves, please leave them in the comments.

2.  Still on the subject of boob euphemisms, did you know that nearly any product manufactured by Drakes Cakes has a name that would be hilarious if you used them to describe a woman's chesticles?  Ring Dings?  Ha ha ha.  Sunny Doodles?  Oh, that's a good one.  Devil Dogs?  Okay, maybe that's funnier if you use it to describe a dick.  Yodels?  OMG! I think I just peed my pants!  Ha!  Boobs are funny!

3.  I'm gay, so I don't get this at all, and someone needs to explain it to me:  Why on earth would any woman willfully agree to be titty-fucked?  I don't get it.  What's in it for her?

4.  Men get breast cancer, too.  Not as often as women, but it can still happen.  You should give money to a reputable organization to help fight breast cancer.

5.  Remember way back when you were in the 5th Grade and Janet Jackson used the Superbowl Halftime Show to let America know that she had a giant ninja star attached to her tit?  Well, that case is just now getting to the Supreme Court.  Yeah.  That's right.  When they're not busy picking our president for us, or giving civil rights to corporations, the Supreme Court is busy dealing with important shit like that.

6.  Has anyone tried the wings at Bark, yet?  Every time I go there, I wind up getting a hot dog, but I really want to try their wings.

 

7.  Dolly Parton is awesome.  She plays nine instruments, isn't afraid to make good-natured fun of herself, and Elvis Presley once asked to record one of her songs.  I hope Dolly Parton does a concert at the Barclay Center sometime, and I hope it sells out and makes her a shit-ton of money.  I love Dolly Parton.  If you can't find something nice to say about Dolly Parton, you can't be my friend.  Those are the rules.

8.  I was at Talde for brunch this weekend and we ordered the Korean Chicken Wings and Waffles, and holy shit was it ever good.  They're delicious and spicy and messy as hell.  I sucked all the sauce off of my fingers, and then I nearly tried to suck the sauce off of the fingers of my dining companion.  If I ever murder someone in Texas (which, let's face it, only hasn't happened up until now because I don't spend much time with Texans in their home state), I hope that they give me Dale Talde's Korean wings for my last meal.

9.  I don't understand why some people have freakishly large areolas.  I once saw a porno where this woman had nipples that were the size of Toll House cookies.  What's up with that?  As crazy as it is on a woman, it's even freakier on a dude.  If I had gigantic man nipples, I would save up my money to have a nipple reduction surgery. I've already got nine reasons I never take my shirt off in public; I don't need a tenth.

10.  Hooters Girls have to acknowledge, as a condition of employment, that sexual harassment is part of the job. Seriously.  That's what Ratner's little project is bringing into the neighborhood, just so you know.

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