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'I Love My Children. I Hate My Life' [I Love My Life. And Hate Your Children]

So, duh: clearly, I've got shit to say about New York Mag's cover story: Why Parents Hate Parenting.

I read it this morning on the subway with gusto, and if I'm being really honest, it was hard to get through it without already envisioning the comments that any perspective I shared would generate. I'm guessing shit is pretty much gonna go down like this: I'm gonna post some bullshit about why I love being a BALLER so damn much, and then the floodgates are gonna open. We're gonna get:

*regular group of FIPS BALLERS who offer up some "hells yeahs" and online high-fives.
*regular group of FIPS BREEDERS who are like "yeah, maybe for some people, but this is SO not how it is for me"...I LOVE being a parent and all scientists are whack!
*random group of fly by nighters who find out about this post on PSP or some shit and have to throw in their two cents about how pathetic and lonely my life will be cause I choose not to have kids (and all scientists are whack!)
*Winston throwing in a comment about dog shit

Here is a basic synopsis of the article: ALL EVIDENCE, EVERYWHERE, EMPIRACALLY POINTS TO THE FACT THAT MOST PARENTS ARE TOTALLY FUCKING MISERABLE 99.9% of the time. These are *not* my scientific experiments, ppl. These are the cold, hard, facts. There was one lil ole study a few years ago that everyone was jerking off to that FINALLY offered up evidence that parents are actually happier than non-parents, but oopsie! The scientist who conducted the experiment realized a few months later that all of his data was jacked, and as it turns out all the parents were still totally fucking suicidal.

Click to read more ...


Fracked In Park Slope

As I know I've said before (and it bears repeating, because you people are a little slow on the uptake), we weekend farmers have been sounding the alarm for a while now that BP's oil spill is going to look like small potatoes compared to the calamity on its way to a cup of water, a country house, and apparently a bagel near YOU.

That's right, it's not just me yelling from the wilderness--the Terrace Bagels dude is now on board too. Maybe he too has a weekender in the Borscht Belt? And, fuck, what would the world (fine, NYC) come to without bagels? I don't know, bagels may be as essential as water. And apparently, vice versa. 

So, when I last left off, I was getting a good lather on about Governor Paterson's craven support for digging 50,000 natural gas drilling wells throughout upstate New York, using the scary-ass sounding “Halliburton technique” (aka fracking).

Click to read more ...


Mid-Year Check-In: How're Those Resolutions?

Because you're not totally fucking over fireworks already.  (Photo: NY Mag)

Maybe I spent too much time around my folks this weekend (or the Tea Lounge stroller brigade has really done a number on me), but I'm feeling the urge for a motherly check-in: How are those New Year's Resolutions going, gang?  We've officially been fucking around for half of 2010 (how the hell did that happen?) so, accordingly, you should be halfway done with your self-improvement projects.

I, for one, didn't comment with my resolution (in my desperate but futile attempt to keep my love life off the internet), but I'm spotless on my keep-your-exs-as-exs vow to self.  The other shit's still a work in progress.  And now the spotlight's on you, you supermodel-body-wanting, Diet-Coke-addicted Slopers: How are you all doing?  And is your 2010 blowing way less so far than 2009?

Let's chat, since it's Tuesday but sort of Monday but actually Tuesday oh god where's my desk calendar I'm useless this morning.


Park Slope Cheap Eats

One of the main tenets of Fucked in Park Slope is that we're all, essentially, fucked in Park Slope because it's so expensive to live here but we all love it and can't leave.  

And sure, the rents are expensive, but it's also kind of expensive to feed yourself around here as well.  $32 steak at Benchmark? Totally worth it, but not justifiable on my "Hi, I work in media" salary.  

But there are some decent cheap eats around here too, as evidenced by Time Out New York's Cheap Eats issue.  The Dram Shop got a shout-out for being one of the "Best Budget Burgers" and Bark Hot Dogs scored a mention as one of the best "Affordable Green Treats."

Where's your favorite place to stuff your face with quality food on the cheap?  I'm gonna say Rachel's burritos—$8 for a burrito the size of your arm.  For that price, I can almost forgive that their service is terrible.     



Dear Prospect Park,

Whadda we gotta do to get some fireworks up in this bitch!?

Look: we appreciate the fact that you guys do fireworks on New Year's Eve...only no we really don't. Cause we're all out getting drunk-n-high and we don't even notice them. Point is, when most people think fireworks, they think July 4th! Fireworks and July 4th go together like shanananana rama lama ding dong...peanut butter and jelly...Lindsay Lohan and cocaine.

And I *know* that fireworks are expensive as shit, and you probs got to get all sorts of profesh peeps to set em off and stuff, but I guess what I'm wondering (and what I would assume ALL of Brooklyn is probably wondering today) is whether maybe you'd be open to switching shit up?

Like could we mebbe trade New Year's fireworks for July 4th fireworks?

It could be like a whole big Brooklyn event!

And, yeah, I'm guessing you can't compete with the bazillion dollar fireworks show that Macy's is putting on, but who gives a rat's ass! We could turn this bitch into a whole big, bad ass BK celebration! Fuck Manhattan!

Maybe you could even do some big all day festival where diff BK food vendors could set up throughout the park...or even along PPW. We could shut that whole motherfucker down and just have an all day fun fest. And if you can't afford to go hog wild on fireworks, schedule one of the cool ass Celebrate Brooklyn Shows for that night as a prequel. Then no one will even notice that your fireworks display is wimpy.

Point is, we don't even really give a shit...we just don't want to have to get on the subway to go to Manhattan. And I'm guessing there are a lotttt of other lazy assed motherfuckers like myself that would be all over that Prospect Park fireworks shit too.

What do you think, Prospect Park? Would you bitches be down?



[Who the fuck's with me?? If you agree, sign your leave a comment below...this thing could kinda be like our own lil petition].