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I've Seen Fire And I've Seen Rain: Goodbye Smartmom

Double Bitchburger with Cheez (DBBWC) got some VERY sad news yesterday at FIPS HQ...and by sad, I actually mean: SO NOT SAD AT ALL! Smartmom got canned by The Ridonkulous Paper in the borough of Brook! (RPITBOB).

Even Double Bitchburger with Cheez's husband Phish-a-lishy (PAL) was jumping up and down. And their beloved pooch, Hawtest Basset on the Motherfucking Planet (HBOTMP) took a dump on the living room floor...I think that was his way of saying: we are all in this together Double Bitchburger With Cheez and Phish-a-Lishy.

It's not that DBBWC, PAL or even HBOTMP wanted Smartmom to actually get canned (well, except in DBBWC's case mebbe), but it's that this really represents an end of an era for the Neighborhood That Recycles So Fucking Much (TNTRSFM). THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT RECYCLES SO FUCKING MUCH IS CHANGED NOW AND FOREVER.

Click to read more ...


In Prospect Park, Love R00lz

WE ARE NOT ALWAYS FULL OF MEAN.  Well, usually we are.  But not always.  Case in point, this OMGZ 2 KEWT story about the above, blurry couple that FIPS reader Felicia was lovely enough to send in to us:

Love is alive and hopeful in Prospect Park.  On August 4, I was sitting on a blanket near the tennis house at around 3:30 p.m.  My 6-year-old climbed a nearby tree (yes, I breed).  The piercing voice of an older woman yelping on her cell interrupted my bliss.  She had a cliche wicker picnic basket and was sitting on a blanket under some trees.  It sounded as though she had been stood up.  "I'm HERE!  Right in FRONT of the TENNIS HOUSE?!  WHERE ARE YOU" ...then she scampered passed me.   She turned to me about to explode from some emotion that I couldn't detect.   She said to me "MY SON IS ABOUT TO PROPOSE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND OFF THREE YEARS!"  I'm all about love stories so I engaged (pun intended) her in conversation and found out the couple met at the tennis house three years ago at an event...After this devisor of sneaky engagements scurried off, I watched the proposal, the shock, the hugs, kisses, the popping of champagne and then I left my kid up in a tree to race over, congratulate them and offer to take photos.  I took a bunch of shots...They were as happy as bugs in a rug (not bedbugs!).  I could hear my son screaming in the distance, "Help, Ma, I can't get down from the tree!", so I took a bunch more pics, shook hands with them, hoping I wouldn't be spending the rest of the afternoon at Methodist's emergency room.  It wouldn't be the first time.

She ends her email by saying,

Wonder if the couple will stay in the hood to spawn, filling up valuable PS 107 & 321 slots.

We like how you think, Felicia.

FIPS wants to extend our congrats to the happy couple, wherever they are in the Park Slope ether.  May you leave your commingled DNA in a tree one day, too.


Anyone in the Mood for Some Communal Dressing Rooms?

Um, as if you actually needed a reason to quit shopping at Daffy's in Atlantic Center, FIPS reader Hannah has one pretty convincing one: Newly communal dressing rooms.

I've been a regular customer of the Atlantic Avenue Mall, and though I have put up with the shiteous shit the stores put their customers through, this tops them all. I ventured into Daffy's this morning to buy more things that I don't need. After finding some cheap dresses to try on, I walked into the dressing room and was shocked to find that Daffy's had taken down ALL the doors and curtains from the private dressing rooms and I was standing there staring at a bunch of naked chicks trying on clothes. I asked to speak to the manager and she told me (grudgingly and like I was crazy) that corporate made them do it on account of all the shoplifting. I mean, am I sniffing things or is this absolutely the weirdest thing in the world?! Has anyone else experienced this? BANANAS.

Fucking bananas, indeed.


[BITCHY MOM DIARIES] Mini Bugaboos-n-Me

Welcome our newest FIPS whack pack member, Bitchy Mom! Not all bitches are BALLERS, ppl. Take note.

So yesterday I took my kid to the park because I thought he could use a chance to run around after his escape into the bathroom wherein he stuck his hands up to his elbows in toilet water that still had pee in it.

So whatvever.

I went to that park on Berkeley between 4th and 5th Aves. Obvsies, I didn't want to have to talk to any other moms, so I parked my stroller next to some nannies who i knew weren't gonna even look at me let alone engange in conversation. One of the nannies' toddlers had one of those little mini-strollers that they were pushing around. I swear, the sight of all those little kids pushing around those little strollers is enough to make me want to give it all up.

What is wrong with this kids in this neighborhood!? Even the babies are baby obsessed! Kids around here would rather push around a fucking stroller than play on a slide...I don't get it!? But before I could properly process, I saw the horror of all motherfucking horrors: A MINI BUGABOO!!

This thing was being pushed around proudly all up and down the playground by some 3-year-old future overbearing mommy. I was so shocked and horrified, I needed to find out where someone could even buy one of these things, so I googled that shit the second I got home. And what I found was even more disturbing: some DIY HOW-TO GUIDE on Ohdeedoh on how to build your own mini goddamned Bugaboo.


Also, did you know the Danish word for END is SLUT. So like, there are hopscotch courses in Denmark and at the end it will just say SLUT. we should have that here. I know it doesn't relate, but those parents need to be taught a lesson.


BREAKING: Rite Aid Car Crash

Straight from Gogo Gowanus's cell phone comes a blurry pic that indicates that the Rite Aid on 5th Avenue and 10th is providing our nabe with a new, much needed parking spot: IN THEIR FRONT FUCKING WINDOW.


UPDATE: Fips reader Sarah had a better pic and some scoop: A big crowd was there and the store was roped off with police tape. Lots of people taking photos, lots of police trying to get folks to steer clear of the accident site. Not sure yet what exactly happened, but the front left side of the car is smashed in so maybe some other car ran into it first and made the driver lose control?