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Tuesday
Aug102010

Animals Attack New York City

Just a week after making fun of kid one's hilarious warding off of hypothetical bears and rattlers, I'm now fighting the flight instinct myself. Had to eat my words when my neighbors came running back from the tennis courts yesterday having just seen a bear ambling across our private road. This was followed up by the garter snake that slithered around kid two's ankle and then the sighting of giant primordial snapping turtles off the dock. Oh, and some dude brought his fucking ALBINO BOA CONSTRICTOR to Skinners Falls last time we went. They were sunning themselves side by side.

I would run back to the safety of Park Slope except for the fact that you city folk are apparently faring no better.

Exhibit Effing A! The Rockaways are under seige after several shark sightings on Saturday.

Per one Rockaway denizen: “It’s a regular part of life in the ocean. The water’s warm, the bait comes close to shore, and the bigger fish chase the bait.”

Yeah? Well, fuck that shit! Those dumpster pools have never looked so good.

Exhibit B...

Saber-toothed tigers released in Prospect Park???? Are you kidding me? I really hope this is a joke, especially because aren't they extinct?

Canadian Goose? Tiger? Piranha? Now if I were picking the most dangerous creature here, it sure as shit wouldn't have been the geese! The least those evil exterminators could have done was ensure goose liver pate for all (well, except you vegans).

C: The raccoons staged a return trip to that brownstone, perhaps to avenge the beheading of their fallen comrade, maybe because there was something delicious in that kitchen? Erica emailed from exile to alert me to the dangers of raccoon roundworm. Pile on, why don't you?

From the Cornell Cooperative Extension, "raccoon roundworm can be contracted by humans who accidentally ingest roundworm eggs (shed in raccoon drop- pings) from contaminated areas eat raccoon shit by not washing hands after working or playing in or around a contaminated area. Small children are particularly vulnerable because they tend to put their hands and other objects in their mouths. Wash your goddamned hands and rugrats, stop sucking on those gross little mitts.

I told Erica that she doesn't pay me enough to read this shit but the long and short of it is that we are too nice in New York to kill raccoons and snapping turtles (no problem with geese!). Where's that weird trapper dude who parks his vehicle near the Pavilion? Call him.

D: Lets not forget the bedbugs.

What's next, folks? I think I'm staying in the country after all.

Tuesday
Aug102010

WHO GIVES A SHIT: HAUNTED PARK SLOPE

I'm not talking about ghosts-n-shit.  I'm talking about your favorite Park Slope haunts.  With all of this Foursquare check in bullshit, we're aware—now more than ever—of the places that we hit up on a regular basis.  

Every jerk you know brags about how they're the Mayor of their office building or the Dunkin Donuts on 9th Street.  COOL, GUYS.

But let's forget about the fake accolades and badges—what are the top five places in Park Slope that you go to on a regular basis? 

Mine are:

1. New York Sports Club

2. Stone Park Cafe

3. Bar Reis

4. Jpan

5. La Bagel Delight

Spill yours.

Monday
Aug092010

FIPS (kind of) Cares: PARROT ON THE LOOSE

Usually, FIPS Cares puts us on orange terror alert for missing dogs, but when I was walking along 12th street yesterday afternoon, I came across this little gem:

That's right—we've got a PARROT on the loose.  His name is Tango, and he says things like "Come on" and "Hello."  So if you're walking down the street and you come across a bird that says hello to you, call 917-364-8768.

Monday
Aug092010

Bedbugs in Park Slope, Part VII: Can I Ever Go To A Stoop Sale Again?

Leaving aside the precarious, life threatening nature of transporting shit in the city... can I never buy used furniture again? Can I never pick up a stoop sale skirt with the innocent acquisitiveness of old? Is this the end of curb alerts and movie theaters? Used book stores? Libraries!!!???

Because I won't have it. I won't let the bedbugs beat us.

My dad had three barns and a farmhouse filled with 1000 year old moroccan doors, dozens of magic carpets, and maple dressers bought for a buck. I was borne and bred to buy used and it pains me to think I will be forced to subsist on new, cheap IKEA furniture for the rest of my days. 

But everywhere New Yorkers turn these days, the specter of bedbugs haunts us.

According to stats from 311, bedbug complaints went up almost 50% in Kings county from 2008 to 2009. Violations in the city went up 240% between 2006 and 2009. The city now has a Bedbug Advisory Board.

So what's a girl to do? Is anyplace safe? CT, upstate, Longisland? 

 

Sunday
Aug082010

MOVE YR CAR: PPW @ 2nd Street

Head's up: If you've got a car parked on PPW around 2nd Street, move that shit by tomorrow at 7.  And if you're thinking of parking there, don't.  Paul Rudd, Zooey Deschanel and crew are a-comin' on through to make a likely mediocre movie.  Lock up your spouses.