UPDATE: This was a poorly executed and not very well thought out April Fool's joke. DON'T click to "read more" cause there's no more to read. YET. However, a conclusion to our Target shenaningans is forthcoming v. soon.
Insane developments have taken place in the battle of the Atlantic Center Target! It may be very hard to believe what we're about to tell you - but we've got the evidence to back it up!!
Over the past week, there have been two constants running through my days & nights. First, starting about a week back, I attempted to go without my daily kajillion cups of coffee. Without fail, every day by 5pm, I ended up tuckered out & taking naps. Second, when I could stay awake, I couldn’t stop listening to Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” That song fucking rocks my face.
Then, later in the week, whilst watching a bit of the NCAA Tournament, I saw an ad for World of Warcraft. Who’s in the ad? Ozzy Osbourne. The very next day, I was watching something on FOX (something ribald no doubt) & during a commercial break, I discovered the existence of The Osbournes: Reloaded, which premieres tonight. It was like Ozzy had found out how much I had been rocking out to “War Pigs” and decided to start stalking me. I went back to coffee the following morning.
In honor of all this coffee & Ozzy, this week I’m taking the Block-Off! to the two blocks that are home to Ozzie’s Coffee & Tea—5th Ave from Garfield to Carroll and 7th Ave from Lincoln to St. Johns. Sure, Ozzie’s isn’t spelled the same as the first name of the guy who brought us such classics as “Crazy Train” & "Bark At The Moon," but I’m pretty sure Ozzy can’t even spell his own name any more, so it’s all good.
As the two blocks both inhabit the persona of the ex-Sabbath front man, one will bite off the head of a dove, but that won’t be enough, so the other will bite off the head of a bat. As both acts are equally gnarly, the two will be forced to revert to a good ol’ substance consumption contest & go shot for shot, pill for pill, smoke for smoke, rail for rail until only one Ozzy remains…& that Ozzy will be totally awesome. Let the Prince of Darkness turned aging rocker spokesman-endorsed judging begin!