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Monday
Oct042010

I Heart Park Slope Because It Sucks Less Than Manhattan

Never have I felt as much affection for my Park Slope neighbors as I did after this weekend's trip to the shitshow that is the meatpacking district.

I obviously needed a reminder. I'm sorry, new mommies, for kind of hating you this week. 'Cause for every entitled asshole in the slope, THERE ARE AT LEAST 50 in the five block radius my impressionable tween and I walked this Saturday afternoon.

"Mom, what does pretentious mean?"

Yeah, good question.

Honestly, what the fuck has happened to this city? It was like a prep school reunion. A frat party. A fashion magazine spread.

I have decided that from now on, I will only wear florals and gingham when crossing over to the island. Maybe a pinafore. As a matter of fact, I'm going online to the Lily Pulitzer store right after I finish this post because I am embarrassed, I tell you, embarrassed at how monochromatic my city is becoming.

I felt as apart as the couple from Toledo: eyes wide, Wicked playbill in the guy's back pocket.

Even as gentrified and white as we seem most of the time in Park Slope, there are still NORMAL people here. People who stop and listen to the spiel of the ubiquitous causey representatives that litter our sidewalks. People who care about shit beyond how much shit they have. Our hair is still in desperate need of dye at times, our clothes schlubby and not always black, our unibrows untweezed, eyes bespectacled.

On the loooooonnnng subway ride home, the lights flickered and when they came back on, people looked like themselves again. Perfectly imperfect. 

Okay, carry on.

Friday
Oct012010

BREAKING: People At The Park Slope Food Coop Hire Hookers!

Short of the raccoon decapitation story, I'm pretty sure this is the best submission we've ever received here at FIPS HQ.

You see that pic of that woman in a hoochie mama dress, wearing fuck me heels up above? Well someonnnnne who works at the Coop is looking for her cause this bitch allegedly stole their dog!? And she may or may not be a hooker!? And they're offering you cash mon-ay if you can find this little skank-a-rella! And two months worth of Coop shifts! (ok, kidding about that last bit...cause two Coop shifts would be worth more like $2500).

Anyway.

Our new fave Coop Spy is this dude Aaron Naparstak, who noticed this remarkable flyer on the bulletin board outside their office during his last make-up shift. And sidenote: Aaron also confirms that's its totally fucking annoying to work with all those mofos with tales of bitchtastical shift leaders and check-out girls who ring your ass up while on conference calls. But who cares about any of that shit now...THERE'S A HOOKER DOG THIEF ON THE LOOSE!

Our list of shit to be deathly afraid in Park Slope is gettin kinda hectic, hunh?:

  • Bedbugs
  • Tornadoes
  • Raccoons
  • Opposums
  • Hooker Dog Thiefs

I'm off to get Oliver micro-chipped....AH-gain.

Friday
Oct012010

BREEDER vs BREEDER: New Moms Gone Wild

Fine, I'm in. I hate us too.

I've said it myself: people are assholes or not, whether or not they have kids. But, there is something particularly godawful about the entitlement of the new mommy. I can understand that this is probably hormonal and you will get over it, but I must ask that you go away until you do!

Yesterday morning, I was literally almost mowed down on the way to drop-off by a gogo-booted mother speedwalking with her stroller. We were waiting for a light to change so I don't know where she thought her bitchy, "excuuuuuse me" was going to get her but she didn't give it a passing thought as she jack-booted her fat ass in her retro mini dress down the street. What happened to the motherhood of arms!? Or some united shit like that...

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Sep302010

Bedbug Terrorism...Shit Just Got REAL

By the time you read this I may have very well strapped some concrete blocks to my ankles, and jumped off the side of the Brooklyn Bridge into the rough (ish), icy (ish) waters of the East River to end it all. Cause quite frankly, I don't know how the fuck I can go on with my day knowing that aside from worrying about getting bedbugs:

Now I gotta worry about Bedbug terrorism!???? On craigslist?? AYFKMWTS!?

Some stupid motherfucking, cocksucking sonofabitch recently placed the following ad:

Free Bed Bugs/ Good Sabotage, Revenge (Midtown)

Do you hate your roommate and are moving out? Leave a fantastic goodbye present. Nothing says ‘Eff You!’ like some BEDBUGS. I have bedbugs safely stored in jars for the perfect sabotage. Free of charge, will meet anywhere. 

Ok, fine: who knows if this person is full of shit or not, but evenso: the whole idea of this just puts me at a code red level 9 suicide watch.

Do they have bedbugs in Canada? Alaska? Hawaii?? WHERE CAN I GOOOOOO????

(via Brick Underground)

Thursday
Sep302010

BREAKING: LA TAQUERIA DUNZO

photo: BrownstonerWell, if you don't belive in the careful, fragile balance of the universe, clearly your ass hasn't taken a look around Park Slope recently. Because apparently there is a new mutant force in play in our neighborhood and it works like this: for every new restaurant, one must close. The latest victim: La Taqueria.

From FIPS reader Ben:

"Walked by La Taq [yesterday] morning on 7th Ave. and there's a sign in the window saying the restaurant/bar part is closing for good. The takeout area will remain open. I wonder if the costs of keeping up with the Department of Health got to them? Hear anything about this one?"

And here's the thread on Brooklynian. Never ones to disappoint, the Brooklynian posters delved right on into attacking the owners, and then fighting over whether or not attacking the owners was "harsh" or not. Goddammit I love that site.

Anyway.

Au revoir, La Taq! (kinda!)