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Wednesday
Oct062010

Park Slope and the Thin Blue Line

Um, will someone please let me into this family?  A story from yesterday's Brooklyn paper reports on a father and son from the Slope who sent a camera twenty miles up into the stratosphere.  Skip the story and watch the vid; this thing is so well-planned out and full of yuppie hubris, I am beaming with 'hood pride.

I may have done rocketry with all the boys at Gifted Summer Camp in Westchester (caps for emphasis, obvs) but this beats the bloody shit out of that. 

Luke Geissbuhler: Dude. Adopt me.  I want to send shit into space with you.

Wednesday
Oct062010

SQUIRREL HAS TONS OF BABIES IN PARK SLOPE / COUPLE HAS “YOGA ROOM”

Not sure how we missed this one from Gothamist, but just so you know: an adorable mommy squirrel has taken up residence amongst our prime Park Slope real estate to do what all the rest of us do: BREED. Apparently this squirrel has been cranking out a shit load of babies next to Kenneth and Michelle’s “Yoga Room” window. Rather than being totally grossed out, they’ve created an entire website with pictures, videos, and a bunch of other squirrely crap.

Unfortch, this has predictably attracted the worst kinds of people:

Dear Mommy Squirrel,

How did you lose the baby weight? What do you think of the merits of homeschooling vs. public or private schools? Are organic nuts expensive? Please advise.

– Michelle

Dear Mrs. Sqirl,

What is it like to see these sqirls grow up and be big kids? What kind of nuts do you eat? Other than nuts what do you eat anything else?

Sincerily,

– Courtney

EPIC FAIL, Courtney and Michelle.

I myself once had a super intense hang sesh with a baby squirrel. After letting it nibble on my fingers, the wildlife lady I took it to said “it probably has rabies.” My little friend was taken away in an airtight plastic box and HAD ITS BRAIN REMOVED. I was told there is a 0.5% chance that I have dormant rabies, SO GREAT.

Hanging out in your yoga room with some adorb rodent pack seems so sweet and innocent. UNTIL THEY KILL YOU. I could go rabid any day.

Tuesday
Oct052010

MUGGINGS UP "SLIGHTLY" IN PARK SLOPE

Uhm, jayzus. From Gothamist:

"Tuesday night just after 11 pm I got mugged in Park Slope, on Park Place between 6th and 7th by two young African American women (this is a dark block with lots of big trees). I was robbed and bashed on the head by something that felt like a bottle (but may have been something else), and ended up in the hospital with stitches.The cops who came told me this is now a pattern - they are targeting women walking alone on dark streets and asking for directions, either to downtown or in my case, to Court Street. I screamed and they ran away, and grabbed my purse in the process. Please be careful, because they are not afraid to assault you. Previously, they tried to mug another woman on St. Johns, also in Park Slope, same m.o."

This prompted the 78th precinct to confirm that there has been a "slight uptick" in pslope robberies.

Ok, so word to the wise: if you're a lovely Park Slope lady and someone asks you for directions, run your ass off in the other direction FAST. Like you're chasing the Wafles & Dinges truck down 7th Avenue.

Of course the btchz at Brooklynian dove right into discussing this, and in record time,  it only took them 3 posts before moving the discussion on to racial profiling and name calling. I might submit that thread to the URDB just for funzies--it really is impressive.

Tuesday
Oct052010

This Week in WTF: Drunken Dog Fights

Do I really need to add dog ownership to my list of crazy, unlikely ways to go in Park Slope?

Because I just CANNOT believe the story of the black belt karate actor/bartender getting illkayed last week by this sorry, jowelly poodle-owning crazy man above. According to a friend, on top of being a poodle owner and a loose cannon, "Pagan is a chef who was preparing to launch a line of cooking spices."

What a way to die: trying to untangle your mini pinscher's leash from that of a felon's poodle outside a hipster hangout and accidentally brushing against fuckhead's wife, which so incenses him, he stabs you to death. (And, by the way, why did the perp only serve seven years for a prior murder?)

Hold the presses! According to Gothamist, it was a Shih Tzu, not a poodle. Even better. And in his defense, Pagan's wife told the Post, "He has slight bipolar. He couldn't focus. He has ADD. He has diabetes." 

I think we need to add to the don't take the bebe to a bar lecture, "LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT."

Also, leave your crazy bipolar, diabetic, attention-deficit-disordered felon chef (and his serrated knife) at home too!

Monday
Oct042010

UPDATE: I RETRACT ANYTHING POSITIVE I SAID ABOUT PROVINI

Last year around this time, Provini was getting a heavy dosage of haterade from Yelp because they reportedly told a baby-toting customer that Provini was "not a kid-friendly restaurant."

Since I hate having a screaming child ruin my meal because their oblivious parents couldn't be bothered to fucking, you know, PARENT their kids, I wrote a praise-filled post on here titled, "Provini Hates Kids?  I Love Provini." 

For those of you who read the blog regularly, you know that the content up in here is about 90% negative and 10% positive, so it was a big deal when I went out on a limb to give kudos to a restaurant that would show such blatant disregard for the neighborhood's baby-friendly, high chair-supplying status quo.  "Fuck yeah," I said.  "I can go to Provini and not have to deal with 10 million crying babies!  Hooray!" 

Well, mark your fucking calendars, because today is the day that I do something I haven't done in a very long time.  That's right.  Here is where I admit I was wrong. 

Click to read more ...