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My least favorite website in the world, worse than fucking Jezebel, is that Health Department site where you search for your favorite restaurants and find out they all have rats. 

Now, the ONLY good thing about this website is that YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT -- So needless to say I was a little ambivalent this past summer when I heard about the Health Department's plan to make you look at their restaurant ratings by requiring owners to post them in their entrance windows. 

Here was my concern: Maybe publicly-displayed restaurant health grades are like those horrendous calorie counts on FIVE GUYS' menus, or like the details of the water-boarding process that the US government uses to keep us safe: Maybe I'm just WAY happier not knowing!

So while walking up and down 7th ave over the last couple of months, I've been somewhat hesitant to look too closely at restaurant windows: I've started to dread, somewhat, the impending letter-grade invasion.

Especially in the last few weeks, I've definitely noticed that the placards are starting to trickle in. It doesn't seem all that bad yet, but maybe that's because there's one unsettling factor that keeps it from seeming real: How come all the ratings I've seen are just a bunch of fucking A's!? Why isn't even the shittiest Mexican rat-hole sporting AT LEAST a goddamn B?

Well TODAY I discovered the answer, thanks to the NY Post's hard-hitting coverage of VerminGate.  (Shocking spoiler: Restaurants have accidentally been forgetting to post their shiny-new 'C' letter-grade certificates in storefront windows next to their 'Zagat-rated' plaques and take-out menus.) 

So for the sake of journalism, as much as it makes my nuts hurt to read about how the food I eat is  prepared in rodent-excrement, I just HAD to go back to my least-favorite website to see what these Park Slope fuckers have been hiding.

Here's a listing of the Park Slope results carrying the biggest WOW factor; not the ones that are necessarily the WORST, but more like unexpected twists of surprise, e.g. "WOW, "Sette" is a rat-hole?" or "DAMN, PURITY diner is getting a mutherfuckin A*??"

*Speaking of Purity diner, more on that scene after the jump...

Click to read more ...


Raccoon Terror Threat Alert = Red

This post goes out to allllll you mofos who thought that my post about the vigilante Park Slope raccoon who got beheaded a few months ago was a leetle too over the top...cause I'm just wondering how "over the top" you think shit will be when a motherfucking, titty sucking raccoon breaks INTO YOUR GODDAMNED APARTMENT AND EATS YOUR BABY!???

9-month-old Baby in Georgia Nearly Eaten By Raccoons; Animals Chewed on Face, Head, Hands:

A baby was hospitalized on Wednesday after being attacked by a pair of raccoons as she slept in her own crib.

The 9-month-old Georgia girl is listed in critical condition and suffered extensive injuries to her head, according to The Covington News.

The raccoons entered the home around 4 a.m. through the side panels of a window air conditioner in the mother's bedroom, where the baby slept, authorities said.

You know, I gotta say, if I've learned one thing through all these raccoon incidents it's this: those bitches are BALLSY. Like, they just don't give a FUCK who you are or what the fuck you think you're gonna do to them. If they wanna eat your baby's face, they will goddamned eat your baby's face.

I mean, DAYM.

Consider yourselves warned (AH-gain).


EAT IT: King of Cupcakes Blows & SOUPPPPPP!

photo via: Here's Park slopeHere's what's been goin down...IN YOUR MOUFS.

+ The King of Cupcakes, at 240 7th Ave: I will pay $3.25 for a Sprinkles or Magnolia cupcake, but those look delicious, taste delicious, and, oh yeah, they're big enough to be visible. The King wants to charge you $2.75 PLUS TAX (huh? on a baked good? huh?) for a total of $2.99 for a miniature version ("The Prince") of what is, duh, already a miniaturized item. The reviews are in on Brooklynian, if you want to hear from anyone optimistic enough to actually buy these things. The King size, which is no fun if you want to sample multiple flavors, goes for just a hair over $4 with tax. I went by three times this weekend and still could not convince myself to drop cash on cupcakes I could barely see. These are decidedly smaller than the cups of your muffin pan at home. Plus the frosting-to-cake ratio, unlike most other places, leans far into the too-little category (like, lots of naked cake) and they looked kind of melty. (What is up with Park Slope's failure to serve cupcakes at proper temperature? LadyBird serves them straight from a refrigerated section, even if you say you're eating it right then.) PASS! The King does have a handful of gelato varieties, including pumpkin, which I sampled and it was meh, and some cheesecake slices that looked decent enough. [ed note: I tried these bitches on the night of Halloween, and I agree completely: the cake to frosting ratio is COMPLETELY unacceptable! I do not, I repeat DO NOT want any visible cake on my cupcake. In fact, I want the frosting to be so plentiful, that thing needs to be hard to lift. These things could not have been more mediocre...they are what the word "meh" was invented for].

+ Crespella Crepe & Espresso Bar, next to the F/G stop on 7th Ave: They currently do coffees, sweet crepes, and a selection of Robicelli's cupcakes. The guys at the counter were really friendly and told me that in the next week or so Crespella will debut a chickpea flour-based batter for savory crepes, so I might go back to try those, or one of the sweet ones.

+ IF YOU WANNA GET SOPHISTICATED 'N' SHIT: There's a new little euro cafe in town, Venticinque at 162 5th Ave. Drink lots of Italian stuff. Wear black.

+ ANOTHER PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND LOOK CLASSY: Soigne Restaurant and Wine Bar will open December 1st in the former Magnolia space at 486 6th Ave.

+ OMG YOU GUYS, YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!: A pizza--no, no, you read that right--a pizza joint will be taking over 140 7th Ave!!!! Finally some g-d- 'za in this g-d- nabe!!! Here's Park Slope reports that at least the pizza is not supposed to be all that bad--an outpost of Gino's in Bayside. On Yelp Gino's has half-a-star-higher ratings even than VIPizza in Bayside, which is srsly great, so maybe i'll be tempted to try it...if i haven't already walked by one million other pizza places. No word yet on opening day.

+ GET YER HOT SOUP: The Soup Bowl is replacing Uncle Louie G's ice cream at 321 7th Ave from now until March. Supposed to be some pretty gourmet shizz, but let's hope they don't forget about Italian Wedding!

+ SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT: The pizza rustica slice (which is basically a quiche) at Brooklyn Larder on Flatbush. HOLY FUCK. I mean, jesus. This is some fucking delicious $%#&^@! 

+ SPECIAL PLEA: Yes, cupcake truck, I saw you on 7th the other day. Yes, fro-yo truck, I saw you too. Though I'm not particularly keen on eating either of you out of a truck, I would like to see more of you. I would like to see a Dosa truck, and maybe once in a while a street gyros that does not taste like barf rolled up with mayonaisse tzatziki in a pita. Like, a flaming saganaki truck would be awesome in Park Slope.


COOL OR NOT COOL: Letting Your Little Boy Dress Up As Daphne From Scooby Doo?

Ok, so I really, really thought we were done with Halloween stuff, but then I saw this: 'My son is gay. Or He's Not. I Don't Care.'

It was written by a mom who's son decided he wanted to dress up as Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween...and she didn't see what the big whoop was, so she let him do it. Then he got made fun of by kids and parents alike at his Christian day a lot.

I gotta say, I was incredibly touched by this woman's take on the whole sitch (which was basically: all you mofos need to relax, cause even if my son IS gay, who gives a shit??). I mean, as you can see, her son is pretty much rocking it the fuck out in his costume. And while I don't really spend a lot of time passing around the BREEDER love platter on this here blog, I do think she deserves a hefty helping.


I'm still a leetle bit confused regarding how on this motherfucking Earth she thought there was ANY chance in hell her little dude wouldn't get slayed by all his friends at school, and/or other uptight parents for his girlie costume. I mean, I think its INSANITY that they all acted like they did, but also it wasn't exactly a shocker to me to hear that they freaked.

Anyway, what do you gays guyz think? Cool or not cool?


When Adrian Grenier Is Not Working At The Food Coop, He's Jogging In Prospect Park

At least according to this interview from the L Magazine with him and his band the Honey Brothers:

Do you have a favorite park in Brooklyn?

I have a new appreciation for Prospect Park. Growing up in Manhattan I didn't get out to this side of Brooklyn much, but since I moved here it's been an awesome park. In fact, every time I go running in that park, I'll be listening to music on my iPhone, and every once in a while I have to just pull over and take a picture of something that looks totally incongruous with what you normally find in the city [ed note: LIKE A GOOSE DEATH CHAMBER, FOR INSTANCE?? OR A SEVERED GOAT HEAD??]. I took this picture of a horse tied to a tree with these blooming cherry blossoms, and it felt like I was in a fantasy, but in fact it was Brooklyn, and it was kind of remarkable.

Remarkable indeed.

If you're so inclined, you can go check out the Honey Brothers at their benefit show for the Open Space Alliance at the Music Hall of Williamsburg this Sat.

And sidenote: first person to send me an cell phone pic of Adrain Grenier running in the park in short shorts wins a lifetime supply of my undying love-n-respect.