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Monday
Nov222010

LOCO FOR LOKO: BROOKLYN ASSEMBLYMAN GETS SHITFACED FOR SCIENCE

There's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics: For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending a Brooklyn PTA meeting, one of the most annoying parts about them (which is like saying "one of the worst parts of cancer") is having these PTA jerkoffs standing around name-dropping Z-list "borough celebrities" and diddling each others' self-importance clits while keeping their arms folded and their heads a'nod.

So granted, while there's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics, even *I* had to learn a Brooklyn Assemblyman's name after he performed this heroically ridiculous stunt in the name of lawmaking:

Here's Assemblyman FELIX ORTIZ (a local rising star and a name to watch out for) downing 2.5 cans of Four Loko before puking and shitting his pants in front of a scruffy "doctor" and hot milfy "newswoman."

The ONLY way that I could possibly give Ortiz more props is if he had simultaneously decided to test the Health Department's statistics on STDs in the Latin American community by mounting the blonde newswoman and entering her without protection.

It'd be a sacrifice, sure, but I'm sure a public servant like Ortiz would be willing to do almost ANYTHING for the sake of the community. 

Fave part of the video -- better than watching Ortiz down that putrid shit or try to walk a straight line afterwards -- is at 2:02 when the American doctor pronounces GUARANA with a Spanish accent like some douchebag language-studies major saying "en-chee-LA-tha" to the guy behind the counter at Uncle Moe's. 

It's so awesome that Ortiz would do this. I will vote for him in every election for the rest of my life to keep him in office forever like King George, even though I don't know if that's possible because I don't know if "Assemblymen" have term limits or even what they do. 

I feel fine about this guy being in office FOREVER, regardless of his policies. Who cares what he thinks about the issues anyway? Nothing he could ever do could POSSIBLY affect a single human life. 

Monday
Nov222010

WHO GIVES A SHIT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Listen up, party people.  We know that regular FIPS readers are a special, self-righteous type of animal.  But we want to dig deeper.  Past the self-importance, past the delusions, and right into your sensitive, insecure little hearts (we know you have them).  

So why don't you take a few minutes and fill out our reader survey?  Basically, we want to assign a percentage to how many of you are BALLER, BR-ALLERS, and BREEDERS and other ish. Oh yeah, and find out all the shit you like and all the shit you don't. 

So yeah: we included some scary free-form boxes where you can tell us EXACTLY how you feel about FIPS, free of multiple choice qualifiers. This is your chance to personally tell us to fuck off OUTSIDE of anonymous comments!  Shit's gonna get ugly. We'll probz even post the funny ones at a later date (though, we'll of course still protect your identity).

And to encourage you to give us valuable demographic information your deets, we're giving away an 8G iPod Touch to one lucky random FIPS survey taker.  Think of it as a mini-iPad.  One that's probably less likely to get jacked on the subway.  

You know you wanna do this!

[ed note: Please, please, pretty please fill this bitch out you guyz? I'll love you forever and ever and evah. Consider this your small, totally insignificant (but still) teeny, tiny, piece of payback for all that original content we dump on your faces every day. You still probs owe me like $74.50, but whatevs. I WILL TOTALLY LET THAT GO...if you just fill out the survey. K? Love u long time--Erica]

Monday
Nov222010

The Weekend That Was: Retrocyclers

Obviously, I don't have my finger on the pulse of Park Slope life as much as I like to think I do 'cause I missed this tweedy cyclist tour. Here are some highlights courtesy of Ennuipoet's (name!) flickr page via our friends at Gothamist.

Speaking of ennui, you people like to make fun of BREEDERS but none of us have time or energy to make asses of ourselves in such vintage style! 

What other get-togethers are going on around here that I wasn't invited to (and am not sure I want to join!)?

Sunday
Nov212010

BREAKING: The Prospect Park Y Just Kinda Exploded

About 10:30 this morning at the 9th Street Y, some kind of coolant/bile/actually coolant starting gushing from the ceiling. The scene at the place:
Of course, most of us went on with our merry workouts (related: I feel like someone just sat on both of my lungs.) Anyway, happy Sunday morning or something.
Friday
Nov192010

BEST THING EVER ALERT: Punch Me Panda

Rob Bennett for The Wall Street JournalUhm, this might be the best thing I've ever seen...like in my whole entire life.

This dude, Nate Hill, has created a roving art project called: Punch Me Panda. Basically he dresses up like a gigantic panda, and walks around Brooklyn looking for people to punch him. It costs a penny a punch...and based on these photos from the WSJ, it's TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT.

You can even call this dude for an appointment!? (Call or text 347-742-2293). Should we have the Panda meet us all at the corner of 7th Ave and Union Street tonight for a FIPS sponsored punch-a-thon?? For a penny a punch, all punches are on me!

In the meantime, you can get more Panda action on Twitter.

(via the WSJ)