Who Gives A Shit: Which Sexy Assed Jew (Living or Dead) Would You Most Like To Get It On With?

UPDATE (from Good For the Jews' Rob Tannenbaum): Let’s declare a tie for first: A pair of tickets each to mistresspix (“Jesus Christ. I'd crucify him in bed and then he'd rise again in three days for more”) and stegothesaurus (“Gilbert Gottfried. The screaming would be legendary among my neighbors, and I'd be so annoyed by him that we'd have really hot angry sex”). Both are severely disturbed and belong in the front row at Good For the Jews.

Please remind the losers—I mean, the runners-up that tickets are only $12 (less than a movie) using the FIPS discount code. If you have their names, I’ll make sure they’re on the guest list; if you have their emails, I’ll write to them and ask for their names. Thanks!

Ok, so if this question seems totally fucking bizarre to you, I'd understand why.

BUT, it will make total sense when you realize that the answer *could* win you two tix to a Good For the Jews show this Monday, Dec. 7th!

These crazy Heebs are putting the "Ha [back] in Hanukkah" for their 2009 tour. And in case you're not familiar, they do Jewish music for people who hate Jewish music--i.e no songs about dreidels or impromptu Israeli folk dancing.

Their special guest stars will be JDub Records band DeLeon, plus comedians Morgan Murphy and Seth Herzog, Mediaite.com writer Rachel Sklar, and other surprise funny peeps. The tour is sponsored by Jewcy.com.

Here's the scoop:

Monday, December 7, 2009
Doors at 6 pm, show at 8 pm
HighLine Ballroom
431 W. 16th St.
New York, NY 10011
Buy tickets at the HighLine Ballroom box office, online at
www.highlineballroom.com or by phone at 866.468.7619

(DISCOUNT CODE = GFTJ FOR $12 TIX)

Anyway.

So the one simple question of the day is: Which sexy assed Jew, living or dead, would you most like to get it on with and why?(and can I pre-emptively suggest that you do not suggest your wife, girlfriend or such other boring bullshit. Your shit needs to be c-r-e-a-t-i-v-e if you want results).

This time you should leave your email contact info in the comments (erica @ shuthefuckup dot com format is ok), so that we can get in touch with your ass after you drop your witty brilliance all over our faces.

You gotta be in it, to win it, bitches.

COOP SHAME TSHIRTS, THE REDUX

Fuck being out of town for a wedding, cause I end up spending a million dollars and then end up missing shit like this: COOP SHAME TEES.

FIPS set the trend by featuring this shit, but now everyone is jumping on board...and quite deservedly. Cause it looks like my holiday shopping is all done for the year (Grandma, I apologize in advance, but this is really better than those bath salts).

Take your pick among the best, because you know you missed your damn shift and liked it: 

-Suspended at the Coop

-Grace Period at the Coop

-On Alert at the Coop

Oh yeah, and end hunger in Brooklyn while you're at it: a percentage of the proceeds goes to a Brooklyn hunger-relief charity.  Seriously.  Making fun of people while feeding the needy?  It doesn't get better than that.

Park Slope is fucking famous, guys.

Ring ring, paging Adrian Grenier?  Hit us up and we'll buy you one so you can wear it loud and proud, you cheat.

Now, next order of business: one of you single Slope boys (yes, all of five of you) has to knock me up so I can make brilliant use of that hot pink Got Kombucha? onesie.

Get em while they're hot here.

Meredith is a freelance writer who can often be found yelling at her computer in the Tea Lounge while editing her first novel.  She lives on the border of Park Slope and Windsor Terrace, depending on who you ask (but defends Terrace Bagels to the death, regardless).  She self-indulgently writes about  all of these things on her personal blog, Meredithturits.tumblr.com.

TIME WARNER SUCKS: I WILL CUT A BITCH

Ok, its all fun-n-games, bitches...that is until my MOTHERFUCKING CABLE GOES OUT.

Yeah, our recent Thanksgiving weekend six day internet outage was not funny. Like not funny at all. But at least I have an iphone and the Teat Lounge as a backup option. But now you Time Warner stupid bitchdicks are crossing a line you really don't wanna be fucking with: me-n-my TV.

Your one saving grace is that this happened after last night's new Glee episode aired. Had you slut-tards fucked that one up I'd be protesting in the streets this morn with all of the OTHER PEOPLE ON THE PLANET WHO HATE YOUR ASSES MORE THAN HITLER.

I've checked both TV's, I've reset my Tivo...and we got nothing.

Listen to me now and listen to me hard, Time Warner: N. Park Slope, cable outage, fix that shit now. I do not want to call you up and speak to your angry, stupid, ill informed customer service "reps." I do not want to make an appointment for Feb 09ers (sorry, that's our first opening!), in order to have some pot-smoking in his van all day, doesn't know shit about coaxial cables dimwit come over and make up shit about why my TV ain't workin. I don't want to read this morn on Gothamist, that a little motherfucking rain from last night took down your entire Northeastern grid. I don't want to hear it.

I don't care what you do...just get this shit fixed and get it fixed FAST.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with a few more of my fave quotes from (surprise, surprise!) some more of your unhappy customers:

"Time Warner cable is SATAN!!!!"
--robnyc

"The most unreal thing comes AFTER the many hours of run-around on the phone when the Time Warner service guy actually comes to your house. Holy shit. These are the most incompetent, uneducated, ill-prepared and surly service people in all of New York City. Time Warner Cable may as well have picked up a homeless man on the street, gave him a uniform, name-tag and truck and sent him over to my place to fix the cable."
--Helicopter Dad

"Time Warner is such a piece of shit I cancelled it. I'd rather have no cable/internet than deal with them."
--Issy

And our personal fave...

"As a rule for life I don't go into a Time Warner store on Friday..depending on the time of day I might not be let out of jail till Monday morning."
--Patrice C

How Rich Are You?

According the to data on this addictive new site Envisioning Development:

• The median income in Park Slope in 2006 was $84,600
• An avg 1 BDR apt was $900, an avg 2 BDR was $1800 and an avg 3 BDR was $2700

Also, looks like most people round here are either housekeeper every day rich (High Income = the pink boxes), or housekeeper every week rich (Middle Income = green boxes).

In other breaking news, Coopretards are annoying, Two Boots is overrun with whiny brats and Maclaren strolers are kinda cool if you're a BREEDER who likes to live on the edge.

(via Curbed)

BK MEATUP: 'Have Young People Been Scared Away From Office Sex?'

NY Mag is totally wondering.

But based on the raunchy photocopies that have been rolling on in (fax us now, people! 646-964-6540) I'm gonna offer up a pre-emptive no. At least not at our Naughty Office Party Holiday Meatup.

Does that count?

Get your tix, people...you gotta be in it to win it and these mofos are going like hotcakes (take a chance on you).

BK Holiday Meatup

Wednesday, December 9th

7-11pm

The Bell House

Buy your ticket to the BK Meatup!

Follow the @BKmeatup on Twitter

RSVP to the BK Meatup on Facebook!

Become a Fan of the BK Meatup on Facebook!