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[Sex In The Slope] Abe Lincoln

In order to avoid becoming a complete solitarian this winter, I've been forcing myself to spend a few hours a week at Gorilla Coffee, where I sit amongst the living, drink overpriced herbal tea, and write these pretty words that you're currently reading.

One afternoon, the cafe was unusually crowded, so I agreed to share my table with Jim, a gentleman who was in need of a place to sit. He set his coffee mug down, settled himself into the wooden chair adjacent to the table, and complimented my Wonder Woman notebook. I thanked him, and then became engaged in a half hour-long conversation about the Beastie Boys, monster trucks, and the Yiddish language...overall a completely non-flirtatious and wholesome exchange.

As I was readying myself for a graceful exit, Jim mentioned that he was going to sell his LPs, including some Beastie Boys albums, but if I was interested, we could meet again at the coffee shop, and he would bring his unwanted records for my perusal. Since he seemed harmless enough, coupled with the fact that I find it nearly impossible to pass up free shit, I gave him my number and left quietly.

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BREAKING: What's With The Disgruntled Coffee Workers of Park Slope?

I'll have you know that Ozzie's Coffee cares about the people. Per their website, they are 95% free and fair trade. And organic. They are powered by public service ads from Google about the virtues of going solar and micro financing goat herders in Malawi.

But, apparently, as ordained by the National Labor Relations Board, they are also union busters. Or, at least, they fired a barista for his union affiliation. Ozzie's said they fired the dude because he was a complainer and a pain in the ass. 

First Gorilla and now Ozzie's? And wait, wasn't there that brother-sister fight between Cafe Regular and Cafe Martin? What the hell is going on around here? I'm thinking we need a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins in Center Slope where sanity can reign.

Per the Village Voice courtesy of the Brooklyn Paper via I don't know who...

The shop's owner maintains that the firing had nothing to do with Bauer's union membership but instead took place because he was "constantly complaining to customers and other employees." Apparently Bauer is continuing to stage protests outside of the establishment, which probably won't predispose his former employers to give him his job back.


Bagel Market Loves Ur Dog

Ok, as a long-time La Bagel Delight devotee, my feelings toward the new Bagel Market have been somewhat conflicted and slow to develop.

Initially they started winning me over with their mini-bagel options, but this sign above kinda takes me over the top. Basically you can call ahead, place your order, and if you're with your dog, they will come bring your order to the door--so you don't even have to tie the pooch up!

As everyone knows: I have a dog that's way the hell too hawt to leave tied up outside a store, so this service is BIG TIME appreciated. In fact, I wish more Park Slope businesses would do this shit too.

Only hitch is, their phone number doesn't seem to be listed ANYWHERE online. So while I'd love to try this doggie door delivery service out, and have all of you try this doggie door delivery service out, I guess we're all SOL until we uncover the magical digits.



FIPS has done its share of investigative reporting when it comes to the clusterfuck that is the Methodist Hospital, and then again here we discovered that Methodist WILL give you a c-section whether you want it or not!

Until now we thought the only good news about Methodist was that they have hawt ER doctors, but NOW THIS: Methodist is the place to go to get all the good shit (like Adderall... this IS Park Slope after all, ppl.)

Some bitch (Pauline Wiltshire – anyone knows her?) who lives in the nabe had a whole operation set up that involves residents and workers at the Methodist Hospital. This went down for the last 1.5 years: she got a shit-ton of prescripsh Adderall, placed ads on Craigslist (like this one – you're welcome), accepted payments via PayPal, and mailed the amphetamines via the USPS. I sure hope she played it safe and sent the shit via certified registered mail with a tracking number and a delivery confirmation signature.

Apparently she's a student at Windsor University School of Medicine in the West Indies (the fuck?), and she wasn't coming to kick it back in the BK until Christmas. Staying consistent with her good business practices, when undercover Drug Enforcement Administration agents e-mailed her for some Addy, she made sure she could satisfy the demand. So she had her sister Sarah (who works at a law firm!) send the pills from Tennessee. Stellar customer service, if you ask me.

I can't find Pauline's mug shot unfortch (she's under house arrest on a 50K bail), and Sarah hasn't been charged (yet?), but this pic of the sisters on The Smoking Gun is almost as good.

So, again, does anyone know her?? I want her Methodist contacts...


Who Gives A Shit? Pine Needle Gate

It didn't take long but we have a new local scandal for a new year. No, I don't mean the suicidal dude who tried to kill himself over the weekend by jumping out his window only to land on a life-saving mound of garbage bags, courtesy of our beloved Sanitation Department. 

No, you know it's a whole new day, a whole new year when you go down to take out the recycling on the first Sunday evening of 2011 and see five separate irate notes yelling at the inconsiderate dumbasses who dragged their Christmas tree down the stairs sans bag and vacuum cleaner.

The perps left a telltale trail of pine needles from their door (they tried to clean up a touch by the actual door to cover up) but nothing gets by my good neighbors. And not a one of these notes was from me, either. 

Thank Gawd our tree is still standing in the corner; there could be a knock on the door any minute.

We are going to wait until it is so crispy, it catches on fire as we throw it out of our 4th floor window, yelling "look out below." No, actually, my family treehugger wraps our tree in enough plastic and duct tape to ensure that it will never shed a needle and then drags it up to the park to alleviate a little of our liberal guilt over killing it in the first place.

And yes, the same household who brings us the annual pine needle procession tried throwing it out the window a few years back. I watched in shock and awe as the dude stood on the fire escape with the tree and the wife tried to direct from below. And they're very nice the other 364 days of the year.  

So, where do you come down on this most important issue of 2011 (so far, anyway)? Would you pull out the vacuum? Would you publicly spank your neighbor for not? Would you buy them a giant tree bag for next year?

Do you give a shit?

Also, Attention Lazy Christians!!!! Per their press release, "the environmentally-friendly staff at 1-800 Mr. Rubbish will be voluntarily (as in free) picking up discarded holiday trees on January 8th and 9th as part of Mulchfest. All neighborhood residents living in the area between Union and 15th Street and between 6th Avenue and Prospect Park West can leave your tree at either end of your block before 1:00 p.m. on both days for pickup."