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FIPS Broken News: Brooklyn Postal Workers Charged For Redirecting Pot Packages

Police arrested 8 United States Postal Service workers, including two Brooklynites, in connection with a marijuana racket at the Bethpage, Long Island post office. The workers would flag suspicious packages but not for the authorities. Instead they would redirect those packages to themselves.

“Abusing their positions of trust as postal employees, the defendants allegedly stole hundreds of packages to further their drug dealing efforts,” United States Attorney Loretta Lynch said in a statement. The agents seized 12 packages totally 129 pounds of wacky tobaccky. That's $100,000 - $930,000 in street value, which seems like an absurd range but I guess it depends on how good that shit turns out to be. 

The arrested workers are looking at mail theft and drug conspiracy charges. No word on whether there will be additional charges for the overall shitty USPS service we're all subjected to.


Whassup: Decemberists Edition


Ah, December, the Friday of the year. It is also, incidentally, the worst month in which to be born. You will be doubled-up, as far as presents go, with Christmas. (It should go without saying, this is a very #firstworldproblem.) Jesus Christ, for instance, never once got that pony he asked for. And then they crucified him. Tough life. But your life is better, even if you were born in December, because you have the greatest gift of all: No, not your health, because you live in NY and subsist on takeout. I'm referring to hard liquor, of course! It shall flow through your veins like the Christmas spirit all this month, as you celebrate Brooklyn style. Welcome to Whassup: Decemberists Edition:

* NOW OPEN: Brooklyn Doughnut Plant (Prospect Heights): Yesterday, the first Brooklyn outpost of the Manhattan pastry heaven Doughnut Plant opened. These bastards make huge, square, gourmet (I suppose?) doughnuts filled with PB&J and peanut butter and banana cream. Go get yourself fat. You know you wanna. 

* Thursday, Dec. 4: A Little Chaos, Littlefield: If you were born on the East Coast, you may not know exactly what the Midwest is. For example, the Midwest does not mean Buffalo, so when Buffalo snuggled up under 5,000 feet of snow last month, that did not mean all of the central United States was buried (as some of my friends seemed to assume). So maybe this art opening will help. Brooklyn realist painter LJ Lindhurst is showing a series of (painted) snapshots of seemingly mundane events in Midwest life. They will all be of a fat Packers fan eating a casserole. 6pm, FREE.

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Hey Lazy Asses You Can Get Your Christmas Tree Delivered!

It's the most wonderful time of year when Christians go out to street corners and drop 70 bucks on long-dead evergreens to hoist in their living rooms and the Jews just laugh at them. Actually I'm wrong about that, there's something called a Hanakkuh bush, it's like a thing. It even has a wikipedia page. I had no idea. 

But are you tired of dragging a tree up the street or strapping it to the top of your car or doing this to find the perfect Christmas tree, well here's exciting news: You can get a Christmas tree delivered right to your door, it's like Fresh Direct but for Christmas trees. The company that does it is called NYCtrees and it was founded by two New York brothers Harold and Louis DeLucia. The service offers 4-10 foot Fraser firs delivered to Manhattan, Brooklyn or Queens. Every delivery comes with a tree stand and expert installation. The installers will even clean up the needles before they go. Yeah, I KNOW, that's pretty awesome since my tree is always crooked and I'm always picking up needles from five trees ago.

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Do You Know The (CT) Muffin Man?

Photo credit: Toby Gingold


Always a hospitable place, the center Slope branch of Connecticut Muffin on the corner of 7th Ave. and 1st St. has a lot of us wondering about the dapper man in the skull cap who is there almost every afternoon, obsessively making some kind of structures out of the straws, cups, lids and napkins that they graciously provide.

Some days he takes up two tables in this tiny place and they leave him alone. It started in the summer when he positioned himself outside, drumming very intensely on benches and tables, then he moved inside and began his "hobby," as they call it. His name Is Robert; they don't know anything else about him but have no problem with him unless he does his drumming inside or the café is full, i.e., during the early morning 321 rush. He's silent, absorbed.

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This is the kind of shit that makes me seriously murder-y. 

Pikachu, an adorable 12-15 pound, gray black terrier, who is 15-years-old and deaf, was STOLEN from in front of Mr. Lime fruit shop on 7th Avenue between 8th and 9th streets at aproximately 4:30pm yesterday. How do we know that she was stolen? BECAUSE WE HAVE THE VIDEO OF THE MAN WHO SWIPED HER. 

Pikachu's mom and dad called the police and reported that they were very responsive and helpful, watching the video and spending about an hour looking around the neighborhood for the asshole who did this. Unfortunately, they came up empty handed. 

However, we just got some amazing news: a good samaritan found her wandering on 8th Ave last night and brought her to a vet. They saw a post on Pikachu on FIDO this morn, called Pikachu's parents and the happy family was reunited. PHEW! 

Poor Pikachu's adventure brings up a valuable lesson for the rest of us dog owners: don't ever leave your dog tied up alone...anywhere. Even in Park Slope. 

Now go back to eating your Thanksgiving leftovers and getting fat. 

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