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Friday
Aug082014

Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

COMMUNITY – Stray cat strut!

Meowwwwww. I don't bother chasing mice around. I slink down the alley looking for a fight. Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night. I don’t know how relevant that is. Feels right though. There is a new monthly swing night starting in Park Slope. It starts with a half hour class and the first guest is Cynthia Hopkins. She’s the cat’s pajamas. Really whizz bang terrific, daddio!

GIG – Sexual Harassee

I’m not sure harassee is a real world. In fact it sounds like something Pootie Tang would say. Sa Da Tay. Yeah. This dude is looking to hire a flirty secretary. For clerical errands and fun. Maybe you’re into that. We don’t judge here.

RANTS - HYGIENE

The first person suggests doing all sorts of hygiene things with baking soda. Like a WD40 for the human body. Could definitely get into that. I’m cheap as hell. Then somebody responds! He or she got burns on their skin from using baking soda in place of soap. Oh no! Also, he/she felt like their teeth were going to fall out of their head when they used it as toothpaste. We’re going to need our teeth. It’s almost corn season for god’s sakes. Stay away from baking soda. Be safe out there.

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Friday
Aug082014

Gracie Does Brooklyn

Image via west elm

Imagine my how my interest was piqued when I received an email from all-of-a-sudden-ubiquitous west elm [sic: they like it lower case, because, ya know] proudly announcing the furniture emporium’s “iconic NYC makeover – bringing Brooklyn to Gracie Mansion!” My goodness, I wondered, what could west elm [sic] possibly know about Brooklyn? So I did some digging around.

I had taken west elm [sic] to be some latter day Pottery Barn (remember when their stores were everywhere, their catalogues stuffed your mailbox 3 times a week, and Phoebe Buffay [hippie] hated it, while Ross and Rachel [yuppies] loved it?). PB, as I’ve affectionately never called it, had disappeared from my sight lines in recent years, but shame on me, I should’ve known better, because west elm [sic], like Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, and the rest, is just another holding in 98-year-old Chuck Williams’s portfolio of tasteful, vaguely urban, mid-upscale home furnishings purveyors.

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Thursday
Aug072014

REVIEW'D: Table 87

Fucking Mayor de Blasio...AMIRITE? Dude's doing his damnedest to drive the whole "I eat my pizza with a fork & knife because people totally do it back in Italy" thing home. SAME AS THE OLD BOSS. After pulling that shit in Staten Island & getting called out, dude went on vacay to the motherland a few weeks back & pulled that shit AGAIN. BDB whipped out a f'n fork & knife and went to town on a slice. RIGHT IN F'N NAPLES. It's like he's trying to prove some lame point. For Brooklyn's sake, get it together Billy. FOLD THAT SHIT. REPRESENT CORRECT.

As far as I know, since becoming mayor he hasn't exhibited that dainty, hands-off business in Brooklyn. Still, I bet when the de Blasios lived on 11th St & ordered a pie, BDB pulled out a fork & knife. Then his son Dante was all OH HELL NO. Afro.

Lately, I've learned that there's definitely an argument for using a fork & knife, but I'm not entirely sure this is why the mayor does so. These days, your standard NYC pizzas are basically "dollar slice," "takeout slice," "old school slice" & the recently-exploding "authentic/gourmet slice." For that fourth category, a fork & knife definitely come in handy. For everything else...use yer damn hands.

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Thursday
Aug072014

WHASSUP: SEE WHAT STICKS EDITION

Sometimes I just have to throw a bunch of shit at you and see what sticks. It's my spaghetti theory of entertainment. If I only go by my tastes, there's sure to be haters and nay sayers. If I try to please you, you may think I'm placating and find me insincere. Instead, I'm here to say here's 7 days worth of shit to fill you time and I don't give a shit what you do. Isn't that refreshing? The truth!

Okay, okay, I give a partial shit. I hope you have some fun on one of these days out. If you don't, please don't come crying to me. I stated my disclaimer in no uncertain terms. I tossed this at you. Let me know what stuck!

WHASSUP, you inevitably wonder as you mop up cold spagheti. Here's WHASSUP:

Thursday, 8/7, Park Slope Bingo Club, Union Hall: B-fore, B-nign, and other inadvertent BINGO phrases I haven’t learned yet. Grab your dabbers and let loose for the most fun you can have for 5 bucks. $5 to play, 7:30pm doors, 8pm show

Friday, 8/8, Cruel Summer 80’s Dance Party, The Bellhouse: The 80’s were certainly cruel to me.  I’m talkin’ flat-top, jams, over-sized kicks, and a black/red leather Michael Jackson jacket. Yep—I was a jew-ish kid of the 80’s. Perhaps the dancing will help me forget woes. $10, 8pm doors, 9pm show

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Thursday
Aug072014

FIPS Broken News: Bedbugs Found on N Trains

Taking a cue from the Pavilion, three N trains got themselves some bedbugs. The Daily News says the pesky fuckers were definitely found on cushions in conductor cabins. No word either way on whether they made it into public spaces. The MTA pulled the infested trains out of service for fumigation. “When we found them, we exterminated them,” said MTA spokesperson Adam Lisberg, authoritatively.

We’re now faced with an impossible choice: do you worry more about theoretical Ebola outbreaks or these bedbugs OR do you try to play it cool and act like you don’t give a shit about either?

 

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