Tomorrow's St. Patrick’s Day, which means that in the next 24 hours, people all across the world are going to show their undying support for drinking the Irish by dressing themselves and everything around them in as much green as possible. Paper shamrocks, plastic Leprechaun hats, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts – these are all acceptable forms of dress and decoration with which to show such support. You know what’s not acceptable? Dyeing things green. It’s just not natural. Yet should you find yourself with a bottle of artificial color additive and the need to splash it all over something this St. Patrick’s Day, do yourself a favor and steer clear of the following items:
There’s nothing more nauseating than the sight of a grown man sliding a bottle of Manic Panic Green Envy onto the check-out counter at a Hot Topic, knowing that he’s going to take it home and slather it all over his head. You know what’s douchier than a soul patch, gentlemen? A green soul patch.
Do you know how excited dogs get in anticipation for St. Patrick’s Day? They don’t. Because they’re dogs. All they want to do is eat, sleep and lick their genitals. Pets don’t celebrate holidays, therefore we shouldn’t force the festivities onto them in the form of green fur, fake bunny ears and ugly Christmas sweaters (the one exception to this rule is Halloween, and only if you’ve dressed your teacup Chihuahua in an Ewok costume, in which case please take photos and email them to me immediately).
3. Eggs and Ham
I’m sorry but I must be crude.
You could not, SHOULD NOT dye your food.
Artificial color enhancers
Surely cause all kinds of cancers.
So please think twice before you eat
What looks like moldy, rotten meat.
Green pee. Green pee. Green pee. Green pee. Green pee. Green pee. Green pee.
Nothing screams, “IT’S 2012, AND THE WORLD IS ENDING THIS YEAR!” like a group of kayakers gleefully wading down a toxic-looking body of green water like they’re in some kind of post-Apocalyptic Seurat painting. If this is the image cities are going for, why stop there? Why not release a swarm of locusts into the air and call local radio stations with a few asteroid sightings?
From the surveillance camera of a government spy plane hovering 10,000 feet in the air, a naked, green baby looks an awful lot like an alien life form. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.