Lately have you been noticing more women than usual piling in and out of hardware stores? Have you found your girlfriend rifling through drawers looking for your unused Home Depot gift cards? Are you suddenly thinking: OMG Jessica, totally! What gives? Did Tarzian Hardware start selling tampons?
No, you silly fools. What's going on is that women all over the city (yep, even FIPS founder Erica) have been reading everyone's favorite erotic BDSM novel 50 Shades of Grey and, consequently, rope sales are skyrocketing all over the city. So much so that when you take your usual walk around the hood, chances are you're passing a woman on her way home with or on her way to get a new kinky sex tool. “It’s usually men buying rope," a cashier at Park Slope's own Tarzian Hardware told the NY Post. "But the women, they’ve been coming in the last few months."
If you too want to hop on this popular bondage bandwagon, you must get the right type of rope. Several shops in a recent NY Post article suggest "soft-cotton clothes line rope" or "12-gauge, non-braided nylon" in order to be tied up comfortably and with a lesser chance of injury. If you aren't sure, ask a store associate, or you may end up like Sam and Mary.* Allow me to set the scene:
INT. PARK SLOPE HARDWARE STORE -- DAY
A bewildred Sam and Mary scan the wall of rope trying to decide which one to buy.
Sam: I feel like everyone is looking at us. Does it seem like everyone is looking at us? Do you think they know why we're here?
Mary: I don't know, does it matter?
Sam: Yes, Mary, it does. If someone snaps a picture of me coming out of a hardware store with rope that isn't for tying a mattress on top of a car, it will be all over the inter webs.
Mary: Inter webs, huh? Well, if you wanted to blend in, you shouldn't have worn that ridiculous trench coat and sunglasses. You look like you're auditioning for Spy vs. Spy the musical.
Sam: It's called…a disguise. A disguise, from the inter webs.
Mary: Well, there are SO MANY kinds of rope, we should've used the "inter webs" to figure out which one to get before we got here. Let's ask a store clerk or some--
Sam: Shh shh! What are you crazy?! Never. Ask. Let's just grab one and get out of here. Look, blue. I like blue. Get the blue one.
Mary: You're picking this based on color? I don't know, it's kind of hard and looks a little thin…
Sam: Blue is calming, just get it, it'll be fine.
Sam and Mary pay the cashier for the blue rope, and exit the store.
INT. SAM AND MARY'S GROUND FLOOR APARTMENT IN A PARK SLOPE BROWNSTONE THAT MARY NEVER REALLY WANTED TO LIVE IN, BUT SAM SAID IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO RAISE KIDS, TO WHICH MARY REPLIED, "I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO HAVE KIDS..." -- DAY
Mary: So...you wanna go first or you want me to do you first?
Sam: Me me me me me!
Mary begins to tie Sam's hands behind his back. He winces.
Mary: Don't be such a little bitch about it.
Sam: It hurts!
Mary: (Mockingly) Blue is calming.
Mary continues to tie Sam up, and as he struggles the rope gets tighter.
Sam: Seriously, this doesn't feel good. Maybe we do need a different kind. It's like rug burn but with a million tiny rugs stretched along a rope.
Mary: Could it be…ROPE BURN?
Sam: Ha. Ha. Whatever it is, it hurts. Please take it off.
Mary starts tugging at the rope to get it off but it only gets tighter. It's tangled and knotted and will not come off.
Mary: I can't.
Sam: Come on Mary, I'm not kidding take it off. My hands are turning purple.
Mary: Indeed they are. I'll get some scissors.
TITLE CARD READS: "ONE HOUR LATER"
INT. SAM AND MARY'S BATHROOM -- NIGHT
A pile of shredded rope sits at Sam's feet. There are rash-like rope burn all over his wrists and ankles.
Mary: I'm not gonna lie to you, babe, that does not look good.
Sam shakes his head while muttering to himself quietly.
Sam: This is going to be all over the inter webs…
*Neither Sam nor Mary were harmed in this article, as they do not actually exist.