I happened across an article in the Daily News Money section (??) this morn entitled "New to Park Slope? Follow these rules."
Ok, rad. I'm thinking, of course, that this piece is gonna be a hella entertaining, tongue-in-cheek, humor-filled missive about life in our fave nabe we love to hate/hate to love.
I've read this article several times now, and I still have no fucking clue what its about. It seems to be a cross between a list of things to keep in mind when parking your car and a list of things to keep in mind in order to NOT make your multi-million dollar brownstone look like a piece of shit, bring down your neighbor's home values, and embarrass yourself.
Let us parse, shall we?:
1. A stoop is the brick or stone half-walls that jut from either side of the front door. Yours is attached to your home. Here’s the rule part — if it isn’t yours, don’t decorate it - OHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, Daily News. So like we *shouldn't* spend 2.595 millies on an 1888 revival townhome on Lincoln Place, for instance, and then start decorating next door to make it look like the pic above? Good one! Got it!
2. Contact information: This is a biggie among all city-dwellers, not just alone old-school Slopers. Once you leave your car double parked, you must either place your phone number or address on the dashboard - Ok, back to the parking instructions it seems. I just so happened to walk by a hot, silver Porsche Cayenne with two car seats and an Obama bumper sticker on it last night that was double parked in front of our building. This was the note that I happened to glance at on the dash:
First of all, if you can read this you are already WAY to close for comfort to my expensive fucking car. Back the fuck off. Second of all, if you need to get out of your spot during the 78 seconds I'm double parked here while I go pick up my daughter from her playdate, just chill. I will be right back. If you *absolutely* cannot wait, please call my cell: 800-STFU-LOL.
3. Dress Code: Your neighbors don’t want to see your underwear or anything else under your robe, for that matter - Speak for your goddammed self, Daily News.
4. Stealth (Wealth): Old-school Slopers...literally cringe when they see the new wealthy residents do things like drape a 50-foot flag across the entire front of their home - Again, why is my fucking taste level called into question? If you're able to afford to buy a 2.595 million 1888 revival townhome, I think you should feel free to fly your gay pride flag without reservation.
In conclusion, I'm pretty positive this is the single stupidest thing I've ever read in a real life, for profit newspaper. Not only are these rules retarded, they have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Park Slope (except, I guess that there *are* stoops in PSlope...and cars).
Way to go, Daily News.