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New to Park Slope? Ignore EVERYTHING You Read in the Daily News

I happened across an article in the Daily News Money section (??) this morn entitled "New to Park Slope? Follow these rules."

Ok, rad. I'm thinking, of course, that this piece is gonna be a hella entertaining, tongue-in-cheek, humor-filled missive about life in our fave nabe we love to hate/hate to love.

I've read this article several times now, and I still have no fucking clue what its about. It seems to be a cross between a list of things to keep in mind when parking your car and a list of things to keep in mind in order to NOT make your multi-million dollar brownstone look like a piece of shit, bring down your neighbor's home values, and embarrass yourself.

Let us parse, shall we?:

1. A stoop is the brick or stone half-walls that jut from either side of the front door. Yours is attached to your home. Here’s the rule part — if it isn’t yours, don’t decorate it - OHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, Daily News. So like we *shouldn't* spend 2.595 millies on an 1888 revival townhome on Lincoln Place, for instance, and then start decorating next door to make it look like the pic above? Good one! Got it!

2. Contact information: This is a biggie among all city-dwellers, not just alone old-school Slopers. Once you leave your car double parked, you must either place your phone number or address on the dashboard - Ok, back to the parking instructions it seems. I just so happened to walk by a hot, silver Porsche Cayenne with two car seats and an Obama bumper sticker on it last night that was double parked in front of our building. This was the note that I happened to glance at on the dash:

Dear Asshole,
First of all, if you can read this you are already WAY to close for comfort to my expensive fucking car. Back the fuck off. Second of all, if you need to get out of your spot during the 78 seconds I'm double parked here while I go pick up my daughter from her playdate, just chill. I will be right back. If you *absolutely* cannot wait, please call my cell: 800-STFU-LOL.

3. Dress Code: Your neighbors don’t want to see your underwear or anything else under your robe, for that matter - Speak for your goddammed self, Daily News.

4. Stealth (Wealth): Old-school Slopers...literally cringe when they see the new wealthy residents do things like drape a 50-foot flag across the entire front of their home - Again, why is my fucking taste level called into question? If you're able to afford to buy a 2.595 million 1888 revival townhome, I think you should feel free to fly your gay pride flag without reservation.

In conclusion, I'm pretty positive this is the single stupidest thing I've ever read in a real life, for profit newspaper. Not only are these rules retarded, they have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Park Slope (except, I guess that there *are* stoops in PSlope...and cars).

Way to go, Daily News.

Reader Comments (4)

So walking around the slope bottomless, while cutting a Rick Flair promo and pointing to space mountain, doing windmills is a no-no huh? Seriously though did you really expect Hemingway from the hacks at the Daily News, that's like expecting to read a music review and actually finding out if the record is good or not. Most local news media just treats us like we're fucking rubes and they're the carnies.

November 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanny

@Danny: V. good point...and HA! I don't expect *much* from the Daily News, but for some reason this was a paricularly shocking steaming pile of journalistic shit that:
a. made little sense
b. had zero to do with park slope
c. seemed like 2 diff stories that they just jammed together with no further explanation.

Also, Dear Ric Flair: Pls come to Park Slope. Danny and I will take you out for a slice at Two Boots and show you the time of your life. xo

November 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterErica

I can't wait until you get started on these useless parts of the internets:
for abusing the royal "we" and probably self-abuse:
If your name is Kuntzman, you've said it all.
The true symbol of that is bad in PS. Trustafarian 50 year old going on 25 who thinks she is all PS has to offer and more.

November 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Erica, The Nature Boy Ric Flair would love to join you guys for pizza. Also you guys can find me on my weekly field trips to the slope between 9:00 pm and 4:00 am, when I am wondering around bottomless, cutting Ric Flair promos, informing the locals about the ride on space mountain. This magic all happens when I leave Black Sheep.

November 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanny

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