It’s the time of year where we all hope so hard for a snow day that we convince ourselves it’s going to happen and end up getting drunk... only to wake up, realize it never snowed, and go to work hungover. In case we do get a genuine blizzard, here are ten way you can use FiPS to your advantage:
Read about Patrick Stewart. He’s Captain Picard.
Find pictures of MILFs and DILFs to masturbate to. We all masturbate so much during snowstorms that we eventually need something other than “regular” porn to get us off. That’s when you start thinking about your neighbors.
Submit blog posts about the storm that we’ll never actually post. I’m sure they’re great posts but we’re too busy finding unimportant things to write about.
Follow this emergency preparedness guide: Hard liquor of choice. Beer. Marijuana. Frozen pizza (tasty AND ironic). Netflix. Torrent movies and TV in case you lose internet. Tissues and lube. That book you’ve been meaning to read since 2007. Aspirin. Cigarettes. Extra battery for your laptop. Board game other than Scrabble. Sled or garbage can lid.
Compose 1,000 word comments in high prose telling us what assholes we are. I’m pretty sure we could blog the cure to cancer on this site and still get flamed in the comments. Take the extra time allotted by a snow day to not just shit all over us, but shit all over us in style.
Click on our ads to make us money. And by “us” I’m not sure who I mean because I’m sure as fuck not getting paid to write this. But that’s ok since I do it out of the goodness of my own heart.
Read about places you’d like to be eating if they weren’t closed. We talk a lot about food here. Read those old articles and imagine how nice it would be to eat something other than the leftover Chinese food condiment packets in your cutlery drawer.
Find more pictures of MILFs and DILFs to masturbate to. As if you could really convince yourself you have anything better to do. I want to rub one out just thinking about how much I’m gonna wank it during this snowpacalypse.
Get the news. Ha! You guys think we report real news. This shit ain’t NY1, kids.
Post the cure for cancer in the comments. I’m pretty sure one of you assholes reading this is so spiteful that, after reading the shit I spoke about commenters, you’ll use the time being holed up indoors to find the cure for cancer. So fucking post it. We need that shit.
[Ed. Note: Inspired by a post on Park Slope Patch entitled "10 Ways To Use Patch During A Blizzard."]