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Wednesday
Apr252012

10 things you probably don't need to know about Australian Wildlife before going to the Prospect Park Zoo

 

G'Day, Mate! Did you know that Prospect Park Zoo has given their "Discovery Trail" an Australian theme? Well, they have, which means if you decide to visit, know that you'll be able to walk around with emus, dingos, wallabies and a kangaroo.  And if you've got a horrid little child to ditch, you're in luck!  There are now animals in the neighborhood that will gladly eat your baby!

I happen to be something of an expert on all things Australian, having vacationed there, once.  Also, I used to love the kangaroo salad at Long Tan, before it shuttered.  So, before you go to the Prospect Park Zoo to feed your baby to a dingo, here are ten things about Australia that might be fun conversation-starters with other strangers on the Discovery Trail.

1.  No matter how much you love the Prospect Park Zoo, it pales in comparison to even the lamest of zoos in Australia.  In Australia, you can't fling a boomerang without hitting a wildlife park.  And these are not just any wildlife parks.  They let you pet the Kangaroos and hold the Koalas.  You'll encounter wallabies that are so overfed by tourists that they won't even bother to smell the recently purchased kibble from Wallaby Feed Kiosk.  And these zoos and wildlife parks are everywhere.

A cassowary

 2.  I hope they don't have any Cassowary roaming around, because those birds are fucking terrifying.  They're basically dinosaurs that evolved, but just barely.  Think about what you'd do if you were walking through the zoo and stumbled upon a velociraptor with blue feathers on its head.  You'd shit your pants, right?  

Dingos.

3.  Dingos come in colors other than just that light reddish-brown color.  Here is a picture of a few dark brown and black dingos hanging out in the outback.  My spouse took that photo, and I was there as a witness. Not all dingos are the same color.

4.  Speaking of dogs, the women in Australia are way less attractive than the men.  This might account for the fact that Hugh Jackman is a dreamboat and he's married to this.  The one exception to this rule is Kylie Minogue.  There's a picture of her in someone's attic, and it's aging, even as I type this. 

5.  There are saltwater crocodiles in Australia, and they are gigantic and horrible. Just thinking about them makes me have to go to the bathroom. Urgently.  When I was a kid, my mom took me to see a puppet show at the mall, and there was a crocodile puppet that ate all of the other puppet animals. After that, I became convinced that there was a crocodile that lived under my bed, so I slept in the VERY CENTER of it, with my arms flat against my sides, because I decided that the crocodile under my bed was a JUMPING crocodile. Since then, I've learned a lot about crocodiles. If you're ever chased by one, you should run in a zig-zag fashion, because though they can outrun humans, they can't turn very easily.  Zig-zag fashion, guys.  Remember that. FiPS may have just saved your life, here.  You're welcome.

6.  Australian animals are, generally speaking, poisonous.  The Funnel Web Spider and the Red Back Spider are among the most venomous in the world.  They have a snake called The Death Adder.  The motherfucking DEATH ADDER.  A snake with a name like that is no joke!  Tasmanian Devils are not poisonous, but they all have face cancer.  It's not contagious, but it's really gross-looking.

A wombat.

7.  Wombats are adorable.  If there's a wombat at the Prospect Park Zoo, they'll probably have a sign that says not to pet the wombat, because it will bite you.  They had those signs at all of the wombat enclosures in Australia.  Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not true.  They only put those signs up there because wombats are so ridiculously cute that they're worried that if they don't lie to you about the whole wombat-not-biting-anyone thing, people will climb into the enclosures and hug the adorable wombats to death.  Look at the above photo -- there I am, petting a wombat in Australia.  Either it's safe for everyone, or I'm a wombat whisperer. But even if you get bitten, I think it's worth it.

Fucking kangas.8.  There are lots of different kinds of kangaroos, and they all love to fuck in public.

A barrier reef clam

9.  Don't forget about the undersea wildlife!  I don't think the Prospect Park Zoo is going to construct a replica of the Great Barrier Reef in the middle of Brooklyn, so you should really think about going there sometime soon to see the real deal.  After all, it's going to die pretty quickly once the polar ice caps melt.

10.  There are wild camels in Australia, and they're native to the continent. If you see these camels and think that some crazy Arab sheik took his camels with him when he vacationed in Australia, but they escaped and reproduced and now they're everywhere,  well, you're wrong. They are a separate species and have always been there.  Those camels started off in Australia.  You're not going to see any Australian Camels in Prospect Park, though.  They probably could have put them in the zoo, but nobody would have believed it was a real thing.

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