Stop. The. Motherfucking. Presses.
The flawless Beyoncé followed up her epic Super Bowl performance with an annoucement of a European and North American tour. The "Mrs. Carter Show Wolrd Tour" (awwww) will hit the states this summer. And just as you might have expected, SHE'S COMING TO BARCLAYS! YAY!
Queen B will swing by on August 3 for the last stop on her tour (welcome home, gurl!). Tickets go on sale Monday via Ticketmaster at 10am, and run from $50-$250. Meaning after scalpers, you're probably looking at $400-$550 for good seats. TOTALLY WORTH IT.
There's a lot of things we've come to expect from a Beyoncé show. There will be a lot of projections. There will be guest stars (we'd bet all the money in the world that Jay-Z shows up for "Crazy in Love" and "03 Bonnie & Clyde" - and don't be shocked if Gaga, Rihanna, and Azelia Banks show up to do their big new single). There will be dancing. There will be more backup dancers than you know what to do with because the only thing Beyoncé loves more than Beyoncé is backup dancers who dance like Beyoncé.
But there are a few other things we're expecting when Beyoncé hits our fair borough:
10. More convincing lip-syncing.
Yeah yeah. That second national anthem was impressive and everything. But if she's going to try and avoid all that "Beyoncé didn't sing live" controversy, she's going to have to do a better job at lip-syncing than she did at the Super Bowl. Might we suggest watching a few episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race? Jujubee can turn it out!
9. LaTavia Robertson's one-woman show.
The former Destiny's Child member has been working on a one-woman show with Real Housewives of Atlanta star Phaedra Parks for years! We're guessing it'd be performed in the lobby? Perhaps the bathroom? Farrah Franklin and LeToya Luckett will totally be there!
8. The Barclays Center itself.
Whatever! Some of us at FIPS haven't been inside yet! (Though that will probably change when we see the Postal Service and Jenny Lewis perform there in June)
7. That awkward moment when Kim Kardashian runs into Kris Humphries.
Kim will be there with Kanye, visiting their bffs Jay-Z and Queen B herself. Kris will obviously be there because all basketball players hang around the locker room (right?). Maybe they'll make up and go shopping at the Rocawear store together!
6. "Countdown" with that kid who did the "Countdown" snuggie video.
Look, Beyoncé steals from "is inspired by" other performers all the time. Like her 2011 Billiboard Music Awards performance of "Run the World (Girls)." Or her "Countdown" video. So why doesn't she pay it forward and throw that kid that did that killer snuggie parody "Countdown" video a bone and invite him to come perform with her?
Here's what: we know Beyoncé has seen the video. She blogged about it, after all. And we know that she's also a fan of incorporating YouTube videos in her shows. On her Sasha Fierce tour, she showed plenty of clips of all those folks doing their best "Single Ladies" dance. So it only makes sense that she's take it to the next level and bring the kid out on stage with her. You can do it B!
5. Hologram Michelle Williams.
She did the best she could at the Super Bowl. But Michelle Williams has a habit of falling during performances. And you know B doesn't want to risk that happening again. Besides, doesn't Michelle have some performance of Fela! that she needs to be at? Just give us a Michelle hologram and we'll be okay.
4. Real Kelly Rowland.
We're okay with having a Michelle hologram, but we will not accept hologram Kelly Rowland. We want the real thing. Preferably with a mini-set of her own where she can be joined by David Guetta and we can all find out what happens "When Love Takes Ooooooovvvaaaaaaaa. YEAAAAEEAAHHHH!"
Beyoncé's lil' sis has a killer EP out right now. You should check it out. And then you'll understand how badly we want Solange to be B's opening act.
2. More dates. And subway rides!
Really Beyoncé? You're just going to give us one date at Barclays? It's the end of your entire tour. We want eight fucking shows like Jay-Z did. And we want you taking the motherfucking subway too!
So extend that shit, B. And while we'd ideally like a two-month residency, Vegas-style, we'll take just a handful of shows. 4? 5? Whatever works for you boo!
1. Jay-Z and Beyoncé performing "The Circle of Life" with Blue Ivy as our Simba.
Just go with us on this. We all know Blue Ivy is the motherfucking future Queen of Pride Rock. Beyoncé performing at The House That Jay-Z Built means that we deserve the moment to bow down to our future leader. Gather round folks - this is the moment we've all been waiting for:
MAKE. IT. HAPPEN. B.
Anything we missed that you want to see? Let's got to the comments and brainstorm some more stuff.