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I'm A BR-ALLER

Diktionary

*BALLER - n. Kid free-n-lovin it

*BFI - n. Brilliant fucking idea

*BREEDER - n. Baby maker

*BR-ALLER - n. a BREEDER who's proven themselves to be cool enough that, despite their tendencies to procreate, can still maintain the basic principles of a BALLER attitude and lifestyle.

*COOPRETARD - n. Any annoying person who works at the Park Slope Food Coop

*D.I.N.K-n. Dual income, no kids

*FIPS - n. Fucked in Park Slope; the most badass'd blog on the dub dub dub

*SILTH - n. Sloper I'd Like To Hurt

*SAHM (or "SHAM") - n. Stay At Home Mom

 *SCHADENFOER - n. The feeling of envy and/or hate toward literary wunderkind and Park Slope resident, Jonathan Safran Foer

My Bebe Is Cuuute

I'm Hawt

Tuesday
09Feb2010

FIPS Food Throwdowns: The Guacamole Edition [Barrio vs. Rancho Alegre]

Posted by: AuthorAmanda | DateTuesday, February 9, 2010 at 12:59AM

So, it's Sunday, you're hungover, you don't want to move, and you're trying to decide which place in the nabe has the best General Tso's. Or maybe you're wondering if there's a restaurant in existence anywhere that is capable of bringing you a burger and fries that isn't soggy and terrible from the time it's spent hanging out in its styrofoam home.   

BAM!: FIPS Food Throwdowns! A monthly series where we order the same exact thing from two different Park Slope restaurants, get it delivered, and evaluate which was better.  It's a culinary smackdown...a triumph of the delivery will.  I know your lazy asses are so ready for this shit. 

So this is how it's going to work.  The places will be judged by certain criteria:

Ordering ease: Ever had to spend 15 minutes on the phone just trying to order a fucking chips and guacamole only to find out they have a $30 minimum and don't take American Express?  Yeah, thanks, Los Pollitos II.  We appreciate it when a place makes it simple.

Delivery time: Anything under 15 minutes is a miracle.  Anything over 45 minutes, I'm grabbing my torch and pitchfork.  

Price: Because you should never spend $40 on takeout unless it's 4AM, you're drunk, and you decide that you and your two friends need 5 large pizzas.  

How'd it hold up?: Soggy fries, leaking miso soups, cold pizza—even though I know my food is being slung over some guy's shoulder and transported on a bike, I'd like it to not look like it was.  

Taste: Obviously.

Bonus: Extra sauces?  Plastic containers that you can use again for lunch?  Score.

I know all you foodies out there will inevitably hate the two places I pick.  I get it.  But I have to pick just two places to face each other in a head-to-head [mortal] combat.  Feel free to suggest which places YOU think are the best for each featured food/dish—FIPS Food Throwdowns are just a random slice-of-pizza life sampling. 

Here goes:

FIPS Food Throwdowns: The Guacamole Edition

Barrio vs. Rancho Alegre

Click to read more ...

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Tuesday
09Feb2010

FABULOUS IN PARK SLOPE: IT'S HERE!!

Posted by: AuthorErica | DateTuesday, February 9, 2010 at 12:47AM

Just a few short weeks ago, we all joined into the collective, crowdsourced inquiry regarding whether or not there was any "fabulous" left in Park Slope (hint: there was none)...and yeah, we realized that shit had gotten a *little* depressing around good ole' Park Slob (espesh after I lost that ebay auction for that MOTHERFUCKING CHINCHILLA SLEEVED COAT!), but we pressed on and crossed our fingers that "fabulous" might somehow find its way back to us chumps.

Well, good news, bitches!

Fabulous is HEEEEEEERE!

Click to read more ...

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Tuesday
09Feb2010

Dog Muggings: AYFKMWTS??

Posted by: AuthorErica | DateTuesday, February 9, 2010 at 12:03AM

(this is not Lexie)

If you think this friggin recession is over, think again ppl. I mean, how can the recession POSSIBLY be over when shit like this is goin down (FYI, Lexie is a little Westie who lives up the street from us and is buds with Oliver; his mom sent along this note):

"I ran out of milk Sat night at 6.30pm so bundled Lexie up in his little green coat and walked down to Union & 7th to get some milk from Ace Supermarket. I tied lexie to the door (where I could see him through the glass) and grabbed the milk. As anyone who's been in Ace knows, the milk is located right inside the door, so I only had my back turned on Lexie for 10 seconds or so ( I know, I know: people will shout at me for leaving him alone outside and I  never normally do, but I needed some milk!). I was back outside within less than a minute, and when I came out someone had STOLEN THE GREEN COAT off of lexe's back!?.

WHAT. THE. FUCK??? I mean, who does that? 

I thank god the dog coat thief didn't steal Lexie, but I never expected my friggin dog to get mugged!

Lexie is OK post traumatic incident, but I swear to God: if I see someone with a dog in Lexie's green coat you better run in the opposite direction!!"

Ok, see!? How in the fuck can the recession be over if people have now taken to stealing motherfucking dog coats right off of your dog's motherfucking back!?

Un. Be. Lievable.

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Monday
08Feb2010

Mo Problems, Mo Problems [Puffy-n-Biggie at the Meatup?]

Posted by: AuthorErica | DateMonday, February 8, 2010 at 8:31AM

Behold: our brand spankin' new advice column from my favorite dead rap superstar and yours, (Not) Notorious Big.

BOOM! [you're welcome]

Each week, coupla weeks, whenever the fuck he feels like it, Twitter Biggie is gonna answer your most burning questions about life, love and the pursuit of big booty bitches. If you've got mo problems, Biggie's got mo money answers.

In honor of Valentine's Day, we had Big Poppa tackle all of your burning questions about sex-n-dating.

Click to read more ...

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Monday
08Feb2010

IN-FIPS-TIGATION: THE GOOGLES ARE COMING, THE GOOGLES ARE COMING

Posted by: AuthorAllison | DateMonday, February 8, 2010 at 12:35AM

After I blogged about 17 PPW last week—and got absolutely NO dirt from you losers—I decided to investigate myself. 

It's true I tend to take vicarious (albeit slightly masochistic) pleasure in the beautiful, fixed-up, FINISHED homes of my neighbors in this great city. I peer in to brownstone windows when I walk my dog in the evening (I especially liked your beautifully decorated Christmas tree on Carroll between Polhemus and Fiske, whoever you are; all those handmade ornaments, no garish glitter or lights in sight); I lap up Apartment Therapy makeovers like ____ (insert your lick-worthy favorite here); I eagerly take the tour when picking up the rug rats at a new apartment.

Click to read more ...

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Monday
08Feb2010

WHO GIVES A SHIT: HOW SEXY DO YOU GET?

Posted by: AuthorMeredith | DateMonday, February 8, 2010 at 12:11AM

I know I'm like a couple of years late on this news - whatever, I've been locked in the Tea Lounge writing this book forever - but a friend just passed me an article from the Daily News that says the average New York woman sleeps with about twenty partners in her lifetime (the rest of the country a paltry nine, in case you're el curioso).  The Daily News compared our sluttoriousness to the "Sex and the City" girls, so BTW, if you ever thought they were whorebags, go give yourself a once-over in the mirror.

Click to read more ...

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Monday
08Feb2010

FIPS CARES: Xena the Pussycat

Posted by: AuthorErica | DateMonday, February 8, 2010 at 12:09AM

FIPS cares! (really...we do).

Ok everyone, listen up! We have another FIPS CARES community assignment. Why the fuck should you care? Cause maybe we'll be helping your ass next.

Xena the cat needs our help:

Dear FIPS,

As an avid reader of yours, i am turning to you for help. i can't rely on my normal BREEDER folks for help in this situation, b/c the problem stems from my procreation. Here's the scoop:

Click to read more ...

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